Dinner Out

Hi all,

I'm so ashamed of myself, I swore to myself to start living healthily, and I've been doing ok. I'm down below the 3000 calorie mark and I'm feeling fitter and full of vitality. In fact I've lost 7 pounds but I think that might have even been down to just not eating constantly, I gave my system chance to flush it all out.

Anyway I've been so good for the last week or so that I've started to really get cravings, serious cravings for all sorts of foods. Sausages, bacon and chocolate mostly, but also fattening cereals and crisps and stuff. And I'm just not getting full enough, even when I eat thirds or forths at meal times I'm left feeling like there's still more room I should be filling.

It wasn't giving in to those that I'm ashamed of, because even though I have so far tonight eaten about £30 worth of chocolate and snacks, I did something far worse tonight that kind of turned me to eat all those treats.

It's my aunt's birthday. Not my aunt who came to my birthday, this is my mum's brother's wife (well she's an aunt I think). Anyway we were invited to go to dinner with her, she wanted to go to this Chinese restraunt out of the city where they do all you can eat for, I dunno, I think it was either £15 or £20. She's bigger than me and mum put together :P she loves to eat. She's gotta be 35 stone I swear! Her car seats needed to be adjusted and she gave up on driving ages ago because she has a bad knee. But anyway, we drove out there and parked a short distance from the restraunt, I was in these horrible tight shorts and my belly was down on my lap, bouncing away. I was embarassed when these kids stared at me and I heard one of them say "whoa fuck me, she's huge" when they were a bit behind me, but they might have been talking about my mum.

So that's the first little emotional trauma I have to deal with, but it's nothing I don't get whenever I walk somewhere anyway, so I'm ok with it. Then I saw my aunt and uncle waiting outside having a fag, she looked massive, with huge fat arms and an arse that was leaning on the wall, even though her head was a good foot away. And after saying hi to my mum and dad, what's the first thing she says to me?

"Oo 'eck you're geddin' bigger all the time aren't ya? Last time I saw you, you was only a syze sixteen!"

I felt worse then, as always, but I didn't assume she meant to hurt my feelings. Mum jumped in to my defence. In a chatty way as opposed to a confrontational way.

"Actually she's started eating healthily just this month, she's lost over half a stone!"

"Aww well done Ali!" Was all I got, but it didn't make me feel any better.

What did make me feel better was watching my aunt being helped up just three steps by half the family, and then almost wedging herself in the door frame.

But then when we got in we were all being stared at. I mean the only one of us who wasn't morbidly obese was my dad and he's a little chubby these days. Some more of our family were already sat at the big round table, which I guess is probably how the staff reffered to us while we were there. I plonked myself down and felt the chair creak, and my mum and aunt both also just managed to get on their chairs.

The table was in a corner and my mum and aunt were wedged in, so their men had to bring thier food. I swear they'd have to be feeders just to put up with them. When my mum eats at a buffet she sends my dad up about 10 fucking times! I bet he's a bit of a closet feeder really. But I had free roam of the restraunt, and I was starving hungry. My cravings were getting to me and I just so badly wanted to stuff myself!

So I'm starving, feeling bad and at a buffet? Not a great start for someone on a diet but I wasn't concerned about that, I just wanted to eat!

When they gave us our plates I was up like a shot and I filled it as much as I could, sat down and started gorging myself as quickly as I could. I was eating like a pig and before anyone had finished their first plate I was on my second. The third time I got up I could feel my belly was getting heavier and fuller, but I wasn't bothered. I was getting noodles, rice, sweet and sour chicken and pork, chilli beef and chicken, beef in black bean, duck pancakes, kung po king prawns, all sorts. I counted, the first 5 plates, fine, then I decided enough was enough, undid my belt, let my belly hang out and rested for a while.

I noticed my mum and aunt still scoffing away, and chatting obviously. One would talk for a while, the other would eat, then they'd swap and go on for ages. 'Til my aunt changed the subject to me.

"So Ali, I guess that's your diet down swannie today then?"

I was so bloated I tried to talk and air rushed up and I kinda burped, but not quite. I don't know what you call it, half burp half hiccup, fairly silent. You know what I mean anyway. Then everyone lauged at me. I tried to smile but I couldn't make it beleiveable. So then she says:

"Aww sorry Ali I guess you're lyke me, see food and eat it! Haha!"

They all laughed again and I thought fuck it, got my plate and piled it high again. I ate another 3 plates then as I got to the end of the 3rd my stomach really started to hurt, like when I ate those 3 pizzas. It just suddenly comes in a burst like my stomach is being blown up with air. My belly was pressing against the table which it wasn't before and it was getting hard to breathe properly again.

But I didn't really feel like stopping. There was lots of nice food still around and I knew I could manage a little more. I had another plate of noodles and chicken and some more beef with rice, about another plate and a half. Then the pain kicked in harder and it felt like I'd just eaten two whole footballs (soccer balls to you Americans).

No one seemed to notice how much I'd eaten or that I was sweating and breathing heavy and rubbing my stomach under the table. It was really unfomfortable, I'd eaten almost 10 plates of Chinese food and no one cared.

Then everyone finished and we talked for a few moments (although I could hardly breathe let alone talk!) and the bastard waiter brought me the fucking desset menu! He passed us all one and I picked a fudge cake, a pinapple fritter, a banana fritter and some of their salcombe ice cream (two scoops of strawberry, vannilla and chocolate), and then he brought them in like, maybe 5 minutes at the most. My stomach was in agony it was like I was digesting a fucking live dog!

I almost passed out at one point, maybe because I was having trouble breathing, I don't know but I got all dizzy and faint. I carried on eating but I let my uncle pinch a banana fritter (not that it made any difference). Then when I'd finished the ice cream I drank my glass of coke (which fucking caned, my stomach felt like I'd just dropped a bomb in it) and I felt like I had to burp.

Something in my stomach just bubbled up and I wretched and vomited on my plate. Noodles, cake, ice cream, chicken. No one seemed to notice. Then I coughed a lot and everyone turned and saw the mound of vomit on my plate. They were all disgusted and I cried and felt my stomach jump again and I puked up even more than last time. It splattered onto the table cloth as well this time, I made such a mess. I cried and made a bit of a scene.

Anyway I went to the bathroom and heaved up some more until I felt ok to walk and when I got back my dad had cleared it all into a box (not the plate he just stacked that with some others). I'm not sure wether the staff knew about it or not but they must have given him the beer box, but he'd put all our leftovers in it so I can't know if they knew.

No one really spoke to me after that, mum just asked was I ok and everyone said goodbye when we left and went our seperate ways. I think mum was ashamed of me, dad wasn't showing anything. We got home and I've dug into a stash of snacks I've had here. I feel so stupid doing that! Shoving food down until it came back up. I even puked so much I had to flush the chain twice and I was still stuffed.

I don't know what mum's gonna say in the morning and I'm dreading ever going back there, or to any all you can eat place for the rest of my life.

I'm so full right now and I'm still eating. I thought I could control myself but obviously it's beyond me!

Bubi for now, hugs and xx's

Ali

New life!

First off I'm sorry I haven't replied to your emails. I tell you what, if you wanna chat to me still send me an e-mail and tell me how uv bin doin, ask me a few questions and I'll reply when I read it. Sorry, but you know me, I'm lazy lol :P

I thought I'd try and go easy on what I eat for a few days and yesterday I only ate a little, compared with what I normally wolf down, and I realised that I'm not actually hungry. It's in my head, and when it's not it's my brain tricking me into thinking I'm hungry. I only ate half my usual breakfast and pushed lunch back to about 3, then had dinner with my family. I had seconds but I realised it made me full and when I took time to think of it, I didn't want any more.

I snacked quite a lot so I went well over my doctor's suggested 2000 calories, but really I think I did well and I'm pleased with myself for not giving into my usual gluttony. I've eaten loads of fruit in place of some of my snacks and got my mum to do extra veg for me at meal times and filled up on those and it's really worked, I feel much better. Also I feel stronger, getting up isn't as much of a challenge lol :P and the stairs aren't something I dread, and really that was down to a lack of energy. Sure I was getting calories, lots of them lol, but I still felt lazy because there was nothing healthy in my diet.

This is definately going to be a permanant change for me, I feel so, so much better. I think loosing weight is something that is beyond me for the time being, I suppose I'm still a major chocoholic and I am very, very lazy :P so I'm not going to slim down yet. But as much as you all like me how I am, I can't live at this size, and since I've balooned so much these last few months I really think I should take control of myself and stop getting fatter right now.

I'll do ok for the time being I think, if I can just control my diet for a few months, then I can probably loose a few stone (at least 5, I can't go on carrying this much weight, it's too much!).

So anyway, I'm afraid it's bad news for you guys, but I'll pig out once in a while and think of you, then tell you what I ate lol :)

Bubi 4 now, hugs and xx's

Ali

Doctor's Appointment

I haven't felt well for the last few days so I went to see my doctor this morning, I didn't really want to go but my mum insisted just in case it was serious. I knew it couldn't be, and thankfully it wasn't, but you know what parents are like. I went on my own, the last thing I wanted was my mum asking the doctor what I weighed, and I didn't even know until this morning.

I ate so much at breakfast that my stomach felt heavy and bloated and I found it hard walking to the bus stop. Usually after breakfast you know I lie down or watch TV for a while, but I had to go early. I tried cradling my belly again but it was no good, I was nearly sick from all the food sloshing around inside me. Anyway I was glad to get to the doctor's, the bus stop isn't far from the entrance anyway. I got in, sat down and belched. It was kind of funny, everyone looked at me lol :P. Anyway I had half an hour to wait so I took out a chocolate bar and started eating. I wasn't planning to do a blog today so I wasn't counting, but when I realised I'd run out I thought 'holy fuck', because I'd just eaten 2 mars bars, two packs of munchies, a large twix and a crunchie in less than 10 minutes. I knew that because of all the wrappers lol, I rarely count them when I buy them, I just take all I can carry :P

Anyway that just gave me such a belly ache, but I managed to just ignore it and wait for them to call me. I got in and spoke to my doctor, she commented that I'd put on a lot of weight since I last saw her, which was nearly a year ago. I kinda apologised and she said it wasn't her I had to be sorry to, it was me. She asked me what I'd come in about, I told her I just generally felt ill, stomach pains, headaches, and some other embarrassing things that I probably shouldn't mention.

She tapped at her computer and had a think about it and asked me a lot about my diet, I reckon she immediately figured my weight was to blame. I told her the truth, but obviously not the whole truth. I told her what I ate in a normal day, what I drink, what excersise I take, blah blah blah, and then she told me what she thought.

She thinks I'm not eating enough!!! Lol. Well not exactly, she thinks I'm getting too much fat in my diet and not enough vitamins and carbohydrates and stuff. And she thinks I need more excersise. She told me that with what I eat it's no wonder I was gaining weight, and also said that I was dangerously overweight and should seriously think about cutting down on my daily intake. I told her I'd tried but I simply get too hungry, she thinks thats probably just because my body's used to it but if I can cut down for a few days I'll stop wanting more food.

She told me what I needed to do, basically what all doctors tell my mum, eat healthy, cut down to 2000 calories a day and try and get a little excersise. Well fuck that I don't want to!!! She said she didn't think there was anything seriously wrong with me, but if I got worse then to come back and see her. She said it was probably just bad food for the last few days. To be honest that sounds about right, the only veg I've had all week has been a couple of things from mum and the lettuce in a big mac :P

Anyway, before I left I asked to use her scales. It was sort of embarassing, my belly bulging over my waist as I bent over to look at the reading lol :P but I finnally saw, you ready? It was:




























Weight : 297 pounds

Or : 21 stone 3 pounds (I think, I'm not 100% sure lol)






So I've put on over a stone since I outgrew my home scales, and you know what, I think I can see every single one of them packed onto my belly lol.

I'm so close to 300 pounds it's scary :$, but now I think of it I'm probably over 300 lbs because I went to McDonald's after I came back from the doctor's. I stuffed myself fucking silly lol :P I had a big mac, 2 cheese burgers (this time I made them doubles) and a chicken sandwich, followed by 3 portions of fries, a muffin, a donut, an apple pie, a crunchie mcflurry and a dairy milk mcflurry and 2 strawberry milkshakes and a large coke. I was so stuffed I got a taxi home lol. I managed to waddle to the taxi rank, my stomach was so full it hurt lol, but it was kind of erotic at the same time. I undid my belt and button in the taxi and the driver looked back at me in the rear veiw mirror. I was sweating and I groaned. It was so funny, you know what he said?
"Say, you're not having a baby are you?"

I laughed so much, he thought I was pregnant. I guess you would though, I came in with a huge round stretch marked belly, sweating and groaning in pain lol! :P

That's the first time that's happened so far but I doubt it'll be the last.

I got home and told my mum (not my weight she'd have a fit!) and she cooked me extra veg with my dinner :P I have no intention of cutting down on the junk food so really I have to just force down more veg when I have a meal lol. Maybe I'll try a macdonald's salad, although that'd be pushing it lol.

Bubi 4 now, hugs and xx's

Ali

So Fucking Full

I'm so fucking full right now, I can barely breathe. Mum made noodles and chicken in black bean sauce for lunch, but I had already been out for lunch. I had my McDonald's usual before I came home and mum had dinner ready. It was so good I sat down and ate 3 portions and then she brought out strawberry sponge cake and she gave me an absoloutly HUGE portion swimming in custard. When it plopped down into the bowl I was nearly sick, I was just so stuffed that the thought of eating it made me want to vomit.

I had a problem, you see, my mum said I can eat as much as I want out of what she cooks for me but I'm not allowed to eat anything she hasn't cooked, she think's that'll be healthier for me. And since I could normally eat 6 portions and still pack away some sponge cake I didn't want to act suspicious. Plus being so stuffed was turning me on. I'd undone my jeans and was rubbing my stomach under the table.

I belched, took the spoon and started eating.

I swear I almost burst :P

I was finding it hard to breathe or move and my belly was really, really uncomfortable. It hurt like fuck and I couldn't get into a comfortable position. I waddled upstairs after a while and crashed onto bed where I've had a sleep for a few hours. I'm just surfing the net now, I still haven't done your emails sorry, but I'll do them soon, I did promise after all :P

So I'm just going to lounge around and have this cake that I baked this morning (I made a cake and managed not to eat any yet lol, which is unlike me). It looks so delicious, it's chocolate, 4 layers with cream in between and a layer of chocolate icing on top. It's massive as well, the cook book said 4,500 calories (serves 8-10 ppl) but I used extra everything to make it extra delicious lol. I'm not sure I can eat the whole thing tonight but I'll give it a shot!!

Bubi for now. Hugs and xx's

Ali

Hiya

Hi Everyone,

Sorry no update for ages I just haven't felt like it, and if I had I'd have nothing to tell you. I haven't done a lot, I haven't felt like going out although Sarah dragged me the other day and we both got wasted lol.

I've been eating so much, I'm probably a lot heavier. I don't want to buy more scales, someone suggested standing on 2 sets and I can see how that would work, it's actually a good idea, but if I buy more scales that's like saying to mum "hey I'm over 20 stone". She's probably heavier than 24 stone by now, I heard dad moan that he had less space in the bed. He wasn't moaning at her, he was thinking of getting a new bed :P . She only knows her weight because she has to go to the doctor quite often. The doc wants her to loose about 10 stone but he doesn't think there's anything to worry about for another 10 years or so, then she'll need new knees and probably kidneys and stuff too. I don't know I'm not a doctor, but it really puts me off my food when I think of me being that size and needing to go for check ups all the time.

Anyway I really need a way to work out my weight, there's a few places in Plymouth with those scales where you can put in 20p and weigh yourself but I can't find any that go over 20 stone. I can't believe I've gotten so big, I'm nearly twice as wide as I was last year, it feels so weird. Thursday, I went shopping, I had to squeeze onto the bus then got stuck in the seat and missed my stop!! I had to wait another couple of minutes and then cross and get a bus back to the supermarket! I was actually wedged in as I tried to stand up, my belly was stuck over the seat in front and my butt wedged onto the back rest of my seat. I've started getting used to the extra weight but sometimes I still make mistakes like that.

Then when I got to the shop I was so embarressed, I had to ask the shop assistant to help me get something. I couldn't reach into the freezer to get these pizzas I wanted, my belly's just gotten so big :( then he got it and I felt so stupid saying I actually wanted 2. And then I got him to get me this cheesecake as well. I felt so fat, especially since my clothes were all tight and my bare belly was hanging down covered in stretchmarks. But when I was shopping I looked around, because I felt a little self concious I wanted to see if people were looking at me. I realised half the girls shopping were at least 15 stone and I only saw two skinny girls and they didn't even stare at me or anything. I noticed a guy taking occasional glances at me as I filled my trolley but I don't think he was staring, I realised he might actually be like you guys, an FA (that's what you call yourselves right?). Anyway I felt a little better about it but I still feel really fat.

I've gotten over Brett, I wasn't really under him to be honest it was really just the thought that there goes another guy I like who I don't get to be with :( but anyway I'm better now :)

I'm sorry I haven't replied to your e-mails, I'll try to I just haven't felt like it and when I have felt like it I haven't had the time. Sorry, don't write again, it'll make it more confusing :P I'll reply to them next week :)

Hugs and xx's

Ali

Dumped :(

Hi,

I'm very pissed off today. Brett took me out to macdonalds and he started off being really nice, he brought me loads, and then he told me he was sorry but his ex wanted to get back together with him and she didn't want him even hanging around with me :(

I didn't cry or anything I just said ok, wished him good luck and he left. He txt me to say sorry afterwards while he was walking home and I am grateful he didn't dump me by text. But I eat when I'm depressed, I kept getting up for more, I wasn't paying attention like I normally would but I think I had 4 cheese burger meals with milkshakes, on top of my usual which I think you all know by now. I couldn't help it, I was sick. I had to go to the bathroom and vomit since I couldn't hold it in any more. I was out of money anyway, I came home and raided the fridge and I've been stuffing my face all day long :(

So now me Jess and Sarah are all single again, all dumped in the same week :( it's so fucked up. Jess will probably get together with her bf again I suppose, but where does it leave me? I don't want a boyfriend at the minute anyway, it's nice having all of you for now :P

Sarah's still binge eating I caught her in KFC ordering a twister, popcorn chicken and chips. I remember cuz I had the same :P

The scales at home aren't good enough any more. They only go up to 20 stone and I think they may have been giving me bad readings for the last few weeks, but they've reached the limit and won't go any higher. It's been amazing watching the reading go up and up but I have to stop. I've promised myself I'll start dieting as soon as I feel better. So probably as soon as I get a boyfriend who isn't already involved. Which is good news for you guys since that's gonna be a long time lol.

It's scary that I'm almost as big as my mum now, she's 24 stone which I've told you before. I've gained so much weight I'm visibly bigger than I was last year. None of my clothes fit from last year and I'm starting to find it a real pain in the ass to climb stairs or walk a long way.

Sue wants to go and get me laid on Friday night but I'm not sure I want to. I'm not sure I'll even manage to stop eating long enough to go out. I've been in a sort of sickly full coma since earlier at macdonalds. I don't know what I've eaten today, I wish I could say because it's more than yesterday easily. I feel sick again now I think I should throw up :(

I did vomit just now and it looks like so much food when you see it in the toilet, there's like, I don't know, well it's enough to fill the average bucket about half way and I'm still really full :$ I just can't stop eating. Why the fuck does my mum have to buy so much fucking food? You want to know what our weekly shopping bill is? An average week is about £3-400 and Christmas last year was about £1000 but our family chipped in too and there were a lot of people in. But that doesn't cout the takeaways I have that's another, er, maybe £70 a week. And I usually have someone treat me to things too so it's no wonder there's a never-ending supply of food.

I'm going to go now, I don't really have much else to say. I might be online this Sunday at about midnight so I might chat to some of you then. Remember I mean midnight gmt so you'll have to work it out ;)

Bubi for now

Ali