Dreams and shit x

Hi all!

So, I said I would update again, and here I am. For once actually doing what I say I will do. Weird, no?

First of all I want to talk about a weird dream that I had. I used to dream more often than I would have a night where I didn’t, but since I have been bedbound I have dreamed less and less and it’s got to a point where if I have a dream and I remember it I’m like “wow, that was odd.”. I think there are a few reasons for that, and here is why I think I dream less.

1) I sleep weird. Apparently you only dream after a few hours of solid sleep, and its pretty rare that I will sleep a solid 8 hours. My sleeping pattern for the night is getting off to sleep around 1 or 2am and waking around 9am-12pm. In that time I don’t sleep straight, I wake up for various reasons. Usually I’m too hot, too cold, I can’t breathe properly, I think even my snoring sometimes wakes me. Often I need the toilet, which is a fair reason for a normal person to be woken up I suppose, but all I can do about it is piss the bed. I often eat during the night too. I wake up sometimes with a growling stomach. When I’m sleeping is probably the only time I’m not eating for more than an hour, and so after a few hours of sleep my guts are just having fits of hunger and that can wake me up too. I don’t eat big during the night, a pack of cookies, some crisps, leftover Chinese or pizza, whatever is easily to hand and I will eat it. Thirst is a big one too, I can wake up and drink a litre of fizzy drink in a few gulps if it’s a hot night. And I have lots of naps during the daytime too when I’m resting off heavy meals I quite often drift off after eating.

2) I don’t do anything while I’m awake. I used to dream a lot about things like school, work, new jobs, change, when things changed that they would go back to how they used to be, things like that. Since I became this lifeless blob there has been nothing to worry or drive me and I think those things fuelled my dreams before.

3) I’m stupider than I used to be. I used to have a lot going on up in my brain. It may not have seemed like it to people reading this shit but I used to actually use my head. I didn’t do well in my GCSEs for various reasons and never went on to do higher education but I was smart. The closest I come to using my brain these days is playing videogames and I don’t even challenge myself on them. Playing at this distance from the TV (a few feet away from the end of the bed) I only game casually for a few minutes/hours at a time and when I feel like I have to concentrate I just give up.

4) I’m bored. That’s pretty obvious. I’m so bored I feel like I could literally chew my fingers off out of frustration.

5) I haven’t had sex in 4 years since my last boyfriend left me and I haven’t come in about 3 years since I was last able to reach my vagina. Lots of my dreams used to involve sex, or something erotic that was leading up to sex. I used to wake up feeling horny sometimes and have to finish myself off before I got up. I remember one time waking up at school dripping wet between my legs, I don’t even know what I was dreaming about, but I had to go straight to the shower to finish myself. With a total lack of any kind of sex life and only a heart crushing sense of frustration whenever I do get horny, any and all dreams of this kind seem to either be forgotten immediately or not happen at all.

So anyway, the other night, I had a dream. It was neither pleasant or unpleasant, it was just weird.

I haven’t really been able to walk in about 4 years, but I was walking through an orchard. I was looking at the apples and pears hanging from the trees and walking further and further into the orchard which went on for as far as I could tell. Then I started talking with a caterpillar which was on an apple and it warned me that the spiders would be after me if they saw me looking at their apples. They were only little spiders but they started to appear out of nowhere, webs blocking my path and driving me forward and they made me kind of scared so I started trying to run but I could only shuffle along. Then I realised how fat I was and that it was weighing me down and stopping me from getting away. I kept going and eventually the orchard turned into a wasteland, like when they knock stuff down to make way for new houses and stuff. Then I see a people carrier and Jess is in it who I haven’t seen in years and haven’t even spoken to in nearly as long. She is ushering me into the car but there is only one seat in the back in the middle and I have to sit there as she gets in and speeds away. She said the world is ending and we needed to get to somewhere safe but on the way we got stuck in traffic and we just abandoned the car and ended up in a Burger King where I ate and ate and ate (because in real life I was starving hungry, I often dream eat haha) and she told me she has missed me and she came to find me.

I don’t remember anything else but during the next day I sent her a message on Facebook saying Hi (that was literally it, I didn’t say by the way I had a weird dream about you). I haven’t heard back yet but it made me want to get back in touch.

It also made me think a bit about what it meant.

I think it was saying I’m driven away from being healthy (fruits) by my fears (spiders) and they drive me to the wastelands (being big and lazy) and that inevitably leads me to more food. And that it reminded me that I had an old life before I became a blob and those people are still there and are still my friends. And maybe my fears are that I’m scared to change, scared to go back to being normal, scared of what I will do with my life if I could leave my bed, leave the house, go to work, drive a car . . . I’m so useless now and have been for so long that I wonder if I can ever do anything again.

But anyway, that was my dream and that was that.

I saw Sarah too. Not in my dream, in real life. I got her to bring over KFC and Krispy Kremes. I paid her for it, but I asked for fucking loads. I even asked for 2 packs of 12 donuts because I wanted to see if I could eat 24. Its been a while since I have, but I put them aside for when she had left. We talked and chatted about all sorts and I ate so much I ended up feeling properly sick. I was so glad to see her eating so well too, she ate a LOT! Since she got with her new guy she hasn’t cared about her size at all and she has just ballooned. She is the biggest she’s ever been and is wearing a size 28-30. Her sex life makes me so jealous, apparently she gives him blowjobs all the time, even in the bathroom of a nightclub a while ago. He loves her soft curves and her boobs (they are huge, 44F) and he made it clear that she didn’t have to worry about her weight after a night when they went to the cinema and he fondled her in the back in the dark. He couldn’t get between her legs because the seats have armrests and they squished her legs together, but she got so turned on that they had sex for hours that night and he made her orgasm twice. By the sounds of it he isn’t a feeder. Maybe an FA, but most likely he is just a good guy who knows a good girl when he sees one and isn’t interested in her weight. They fuck about 3 times a week and they don’t even live together. She has put on weight and she thinks most of it is from the drinking. When they’re together she drinks cider and lager and goes through several pints a night. For a change though she doesn’t care because her man doesn’t care and I just really, really hope they don’t break up because if they do she’s going to be devastated and she’s probably going to hate herself.

I couldn’t be more jealous of the sex though. I told her how I’m gagging for a good seeing to and we reminisced about how easy it used to be for us to go out and find someone to get laid with. Well, for her it was easier haha! But I did have some luck. She knows about some of the guys I used to chat to online and Steve but I told her I’m still scared of getting with a feeder in case I end up how I did before.

Anyway, when she left I had my dinner of sausages, chips and beans and for my dessert I began wolfing down the donuts. I struggled, not because I got too full, but because they’re so creamy and sugary. I was starting to feel weird and begin to shake slightly by the time I got on to the second box, and then I was starting to really feel queasy. I got to a point where there was 5 left and I just stopped and said to myself “no more”. I washed them down with some Dr Pepper and then felt better a few minutes later so foolishly forced them all down really fast. I sat there feeling sick for a few minutes taking sips of Dr P when suddenly my body sort of spasmed and I threw up all down my front. I was only sick the once but it was quite a lot and I felt horrible afterwards.

I have been pushing myself with food ever since, trying to find out my limits. Last night I was sick on Indian food, having god knows how much Korma, rice and chicken tikka and 4 naan breads, I was so sick I filled a few inches of my bucket. Today I have been much the same and I’m currently sickeningly full of pasta. Supper time is coming up so I’m going to have to go or I will smother my laptop in grease.

Love love! Ali xXx