. . .

I don't know if anyone still reads this, but I've been thinking.

There's no way I can prove that it's actually me posting this, because no, I'm still not posting pictures (and if you know me you know why), but I doubt anyone's going to read it anyway. I just want to write down my feelings.

Lust, hunger, boredom, depression and optimism.

I haven't posted in almost a year and that was just to tell you about my freaky friend (who hasn't spoken with me since). Before that I can't even remember.

The point is I feel like I've ignored who I really am recently.

I'm 15 stone. That's tiny compared to how big I've been, and I'm still a greedy bitch. The only reason I've lost so much weight is that my mother stopped buying me food and giving me money to buy food. The fridge and cupboards were bare. It got so bad I just unplugged my mini-fridge and microwave and used under my bed to store the clothes I was getting too thin to wear.

I broke up with my boyfriend back in the summer, he was so demanding that I loose weight and eventually I just told him to fuck off, because while he made out he loved me how I was, I saw that I was really just his project, he wanted to make me thin and totally change my look. I wear what I wear because I feel comfy but he wouldn't accept that. He even wanted to change my hair!

The next day I flipped out at work and quit. I got stressed out and just walked out, I regretted it later but didn't want to go back on myself and apologise so I never went back. I spent my last £10 on McDonalds but it didn't even fill me up, I just felt even emptier and knew that was another 1 pound I wasn't going to loose that month.

But I feel a lot better now. As the months went on I tried to get on with life and get out of the house more. The last time I spent a long time being depressed I gained loads of weight, and even without the food around I figured the lack of excersise wouldn't help, so mum paid for a gym membership for me. I went when I could be assed but gave up a while before Christmas.

Loosing weight hasn't made me feel good at all. If anything I feel worse because I feel like I've had to change myself. I am what I am, I'm a feedee, I love to eat and I want to eat! Why should I have to be someone else.

I'm sorry if some of this is a little odd, I'm drunk. I've had too many tonight, I drank all of dad's beers and a bottle of wine from the cellar because I've been feeling depressed. I don't even know how many beers I had. And I'm soooo hungry. I've cried from the hunger, all I've had (all that was in the house) is some toast without butter and some snack a jacks and my stomach literally hurts :'( I want FOOD! Mum won't give me the money and I feel so damn hungry!

I've spoken to mum about it (not now, but I've felt this way so many times) and she's just said that dad wasn't happy to be wasting so much money on making me so fat. She said it was what made me so unhappy and she couldn't bring herself to keep feeding me. I still eat well, but there's no junkfood, nothing good to cook and I've had no money to go get anything.

I've got a job now, I work in a supermarket, but I've only just started and I get paid a month behind so no money until the start of March (I think). I'm moving out too. I found a flat I really like and dad's agreed that it'd be good for me. It's close to work and near Sarah (she got me the job there) so dad's paying the rent for me. The job wouldn't cover it, even though I'll be getting about £700pm when I'm getting paid properly. It's 1 bedroom, small bathroom and a livingroom / kitchen. It has some furniture but dad's getting me a new TV and fridge feezer and I picked a nice double bed from the Littlewoods catalouge. It was expensive but he said it doesn't matter. He's been so generous but to be honest I think they just wanted me out of the house, I'm too old to be living at home without even working.

I move out in two weeks (that's when the guy living there moves out. I kinda wish he was staying, he's so cute :P He's going to Malaysia for a year, he's even learned the lingo. I hope he hasn't got a bride when he comes home haha :P). I'd really like to get to know him, not just because I don't want to have to move out next spring :P

Basically I'll have to pay some of the bills, which I think will be just £100 a month from me, so I'm going to have money again. I'll be able to eat again! Yay :D I can't wait to stuff myself, it'll be the first time I've really felt full since about summer! Even Christmas was dissapointing! I can't beleive how long it's been since my poor tummy's been satisfied :S Even then I haven't eaten the way I used to since about 2006 :( I'm sooo looking forward to payday. I'm fantasising about all the food I'm going to get. I'm thinking, McDonalds, KFC and Pizza Hut for lunch and see how things go from there ;) I don't just want to be stuffed, I want to eat all I can and stay that full until I pass out! Oh god I'm actually fucking wet just thinking about it!

Anyway, apart from the searing hunger pains I feel better to have laid my life out in text. It's always made me feel better and I badly needed to do that. I'm going to have one last hunt for something to eat now and go to sleep.

I knew something would bring me back to this blog. Hopefully this is the start of some much needed happiness in my life. And lots of food :P lol. SOOOO HUNGRY!!!

Bubi for now. Lots of Love and thank you for still reading . . .

Ali xXxXx