Monday, November 15, 2010

November 2010

Ok . . . It’s been a long time since I blogged, so I should probably start by mentioning some of the bigger changes in my life.

First of all, I’m single. Henry walked out on me around December last year. I say around, he was on and off the idea of leaving me for a while before hand and he moved out his stuff, claiming he needed to get his head straight. Then just after new year he told me he wasn’t coming back.

Also, I was pregnant, but it didn’t really last long. It was only about 2 weeks after I took the first positive test that the tests started being negative. Henry knew but he didn’t really get excited or worried, he probably knew that with the state of my body, it wasn’t going to make it. To be honest, I knew it too.

Anyway, those things are long behind me now.

I became depressed around then and stopped going out. I literally didn’t leave the house for about a month, well, only a few times to get shopping. I have been getting deliveries most of the time though, as it’s much easier. I go for a drive from time to time, though mostly just to drive-throughs to be honest, but I’ve seen Sarah a couple of times this year.

I quit my job and have been signed off work with depression. As well as paying my bills, I’ve talked my parents into sending me £600 a month for food and videogames (I have finally purchased a current gen console, a 360).

Because I’ve shut myself in, I’ve had little to do but eat and watch TV. I piled on weight slowly and around July this year I really started to feel ill, so saw my doctor.

Apart from just telling me to loose weight, she said a lot about my lifestyle and how it was self destructive and I really need to get off my ass and do something about it before it’s too late. Rather than being her usual nice self, she was stern and mean. I haven’t seen her since. I got her to weigh me on her scale before I left.

I weighed in, in July, at 36 stone 2 pounds, which is 506 pounds, or almost 230 kilos.
I almost certainly weigh more now.
It was around then that I started to realise how hard it’s become to walk. For half a year, I hadn’t needed to get up for anything more than toilet, shower (and I have a shower seat), getting food, accepting deliveries and going to my car, which means one flight of stairs. I was not only breathless, but also weak at the knees, had pain in my back, hips and thighs, felt my heart pumping so hard it hurt and profusely sweating.
These things are now worse.
I also began to suffer migraines, even worse than any I’ve had before.
I get sick with a cold at least once every 3-4 weeks, even in the summer.
I can’t now sleep on my back as the weight crushes my chest, so I tend to sleep sat upright.
Worst of all, I get random, sometimes worrying chest pains that go beyond heart-burn.

I have only left the flat a handful of times since then. 2 or 3 times to see my mum, a few times for late night takeaways (in the car, obviously) and once just for the sake of driving because I was bored, though, inevitably, I ended up getting food in. It has been about 2 months since I last left my flat, apart from putting out bin bags every now and then, and as long as nobody closes my wheelie bin, I don’t even need to walk down the stairs as I can just throw it straight in (but sadly someone does keep doing that!). One of my neighbours takes it to the kerb with their own, always has, even though I don’t know who it is.

Because walking is a chore, I don’t walk around much. I’ve stopped cooking as I can’t stand by the oven for more than a minute or two. I only have oven meals, microwave meals and takeaways, apart from cold stuff like cream cakes and ice cream and stuff at room temp etc. I used to enjoy cooking but I just can’t manage it anymore. I got a dishwasher, and apart from changing the liquid and emptying it now and then it’s pretty simple, so I don’t have to do dishes anymore either.

I don’t clean the flat. That’s one thing I can’t excuse. I just can’t bring myself to get up to do it. There’s no way I’d manage it and there’s no way I could get my mother to come over to clean up after me. She knows what I’ve done to myself but I think she’s put it all at the back of her mind. I can’t risk her cutting my food money. I don’t know if it smells but it looks a sty in here.

My hygiene isn’t great at the moment either. I can’t reach all the folds I have now, especially the ones on my legs. Showering is exhausting so, as its cold in the winter, I’m only doing it once a week. I brush my teeth before bed every night but I can feel it’s not doing much good with all the sugar in my mouth overnight, some of my teeth ache all day. My hair is a mess and frankly I don’t care about my personal appearance these days. I don’t really wear clothes, just a big t-shirt and some jogging bottoms, I usually have a blanket over me to keep warm. I’ve got some sores on my back and bum, but I’m treating them with cream. I think they’re bed sore but they come and go so they’re not so bad.

My belly is where most of my weight has gone. Being on my ass has probably moulded me this way, as I’ve put on the best part of 10 stone whilst sat on it. My belly spills between my legs and hangs to around my knees. My breasts sit under my armpits when sat up, unless I can rest them on my belly. If I’m standing straight, they hang down to about where my hips are. I don’t know what size they’re meant to be anymore, it doesn’t matter as I gave up on bras. I have folds on my legs, around my knees and down to my ankles. My feet are swollen and kind of reddish compared with the rest of me which I put down to water retention or something stupid like that. My arms are pretty flabby, with my bingo wings hanging down about a foot at their lowest point when I hold my arms out straight.

I spend about 12 hours a day in bed, but only manage to sleep 2 or 3 hours a night some nights. I make up for it other days, sleeping for over 20 hours once. But mostly I just nod off on the sofa after a big meal for an hour or so before I eat again. Those 12 hours in bed can be more exhausting than being awake. I still have the fridge by my bed and I still keep it as stocked as possible, but go through a fair amount in the night. I usually drink around 2 Litres of coke over the night, and as I’ve gotten used to it over the course of the year, I don’t have to get up to pee until morning. My capacity for holding in fluid is surprising, I only pee 2 or 3 times a day, and I have a big shit once in the morning and once before bed.

My days are all quite similar, so I did a diary today, so that you can see what I get up to.

I woke up at around 5 with a blinding headache, so I took some ibuprofen with some sprite. I drank the best part of a litre and needed a piss, but I held onto it until about 7. I wasn’t able to sleep, or get comfy, so I got up for the toilet. While I was up, I took a pack of 4 assorted cream cakes into the bathroom with me. I ate them all before I went back to bed and tried to get some more sleep. At about 10 I had drifted to sleep and back but it was too bright now so I heaved myself up to sit on the sofa. There I ate 4 gooey centred double chocolate muffins. For my actual breakfast, I filled a mixing bowl with coco-pops and poured in 2 pints of whole milk. This is approximately 1 whole box of real coco-pops, but I go for the Tesco’s own in the big box, so it’s less expensive and amounts to about half a box. Either way, it’s enough to feed a family of 6 for the morning. I still go for whole milk, frankly as it tastes best with my cereals. One of my other favourites at the moment is Krave but I can’t find a budget version of that.

I snoozed in front of the TV for a while before getting myself lunch at about 12.30. I put 2 11” stuffed crust pizzas in the oven, one meatballs, one ham and mushroom, and about half a bag of oven chips. The pizzas came out first and I sandwiched them together, fillings on the inside, like a massive calzone. I then got the chips out of the oven, dished them up and took a jar of Mayo from the fridge. I had about half a jar, but dipped the chips in until it was totally empty, then finished the chips with some salt and vinegar and ketchup. I then finished the rest of the pizzas, which had gone a little cold. For dessert I had a 600g double chocolate gateau. I practically swallowed it without a second thought. When I was done I felt satisfied, but not really, full, so I sat eating cookies and drinking milkshake to fill myself up. I started to feel sick after one pack of cookies but had started the 2nd, so finished that before I stopped.

I was watching an episode of the Simpsons when I reflected on what I was doing, sitting there lazily, my stomach laden heavily with unhealthy food, and realised that this moment, when my stomach hurt from my overindulgence, was as hard as my life gets these days. And in that moment I remembered why I let myself get like this. I do feel lonely at times but I honestly can’t be doing with any other kind of life. Only having a loving feeder would make this better, but I’m not ready for a relationship. Anyway, that’s another story for another time. The point is my life is so easy, I get to eat all I want and I don’t have to move a muscle.

I must have nodded off because when I came to the TV guide was on and it was 4.04, so I was feeling a bit peckish. I had 2 rustlers quarter pounders and half a 450g vanilla and chocolate cheesecake, as well as most of a 2l bottle of coke, 4 packets of Walkers crisps, 2 Twix and 2 Mars bars. I was thinking about what to have for dinner when the doorbell rang and I had to heave myself out of the me shaped dent in the sofa. Breathless, I answered the door. It was a delivery from Tesco, so I let them bring up 8 bags. I tend to get a delivery every day, I spend enough each time, but sometimes if I have enough in the flat I’ll make it last 2 or 3 days. Especially if I’m getting takeaways.

Among the items I’d ordered was 12 cream filled doughnuts, so I sat eating the lot. I felt sick when I’d finished so washed it down with some coke, then took some antacid tablets. Despite this, I decided it was time to start drinking, so began on some Southern Comfort in my coke. I also put a 4 person pasta bake into the oven, knowing that by the time it came out, I’d be hungry, which I was. I ate the whole thing, cleaning out the dish with my tongue, when I needed to use the toilet again, my bladder on the brink of bursting.

It was around 7 when I’d finished all my pasta and everything I could reach from the sofa, so I decided on pizza and chicken, followed by a late night curry. I got my pizza at around 8.45 (though I’d ordered it for 8.30, I was bloated from earlier so didn’t care, I was only eating through boredom anyway), a 16” monstrosity with everything on it, and on the side, a bucket of chicken pieces with coleslaw and fries. It came with a 1.5l Pepsi, so I drank that while I ate.

Full from the start, I pushed down every sickeningly fattening bite, over and over. I felt sick and as I felt my stomach swell to its biggest and I forced in slice after slice, I cried to myself. It’s times like this, I thought, when my ‘friends’ are enjoying their lives and all I do is force feed myself, that I hate myself and wish I weren’t so fat, and didn’t need so much food every day. I was in agony as I forced in the last of the chicken and fries, which were cold by now. I left a few bones and crusts in the box and leaned back into the sofa, crying, barely able to breathe, food struggling for space in my stomach.

I carried on drinking coke and Southern Comfort until I fell asleep but woke up at around 11 badly needing the toilet. Thankfully, in Plymouth you can still get a curry that late, and I was on the phone before I was even off the toilet.

Before long I had a heavy carrier bag with a chicken madras, a chicken tika massala, rice, 2 naan breads and some poppadoms. I took them to bed, sat up comfy with my cover over me and began eating.

I haven’t been able to sleep all night, so I’ve snacked on cakes, ice cream, doughnuts, milkshakes, chocolate, crisps and all the usual stuff. My bed is surrounded by junk food containers and sweet wrappers. I know my diet is bad but I literally need all the fat, the sugar, the salt, the carbs, even though I do nothing with them but sit and grow. I don’t eat fruit or veg mostly because if I order them, they go to waste because I don’t like them therefore don’t eat them.

I literally can’t get up at the moment because I’m feeling so full and heavy and weak.

I don’t know what I’m going to do, to be honest. I can’t give up the food, but it’s going to kill me. I’m partially tempted to eat myself to death, as that seems like the easiest option, but in the end I’m dependant on my parents, so unless I get a feeder who’s willing to basically commit manslaughter then I’m screwed on that front. I don’t want to go over 40 stone because I know I’m going to be too heavy to get up by myself. Unfortunately it’s inevitable. Fuck, I probably already am over 40 stone by now.

Fuck, I’m not ready for a relationship but I need one. I tried to masturbate just now but the exertion of holding up my belly and rubbing my clit made me feel sick and I got pains in my heart. I felt my fat rolling about and crushing my chest. I need someone to feed me and get me off but I really don’t want anyone right now. I’d rather just be alone. There’s no way I’d get a fucking home nurse, that’s for sure.

Anyway, that’s my life at the moment, still as fucked up as ever, now with the prospect of getting immobile without any help around. Terrific.

Wonder if anyone reads this still, leave a comment if you do and maybe I’ll do another one soon.

For now I’m going to try to get some sleep, its 4am.

Laters

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Updates from MySpace

These are updates from last year that I did on MySpace. Sorry they're all in a mess and probably suck but for those of you who missed them, here they are.

August 1, 2009 - Saturday

Update
Hi all, I can't get onto blogger so I'll upload this update here temporarily . . . I've been up and down like a yo-yo this past week. I spent 2 weeks sat around the flat feeling sorry for myself. I really got a taste of what it will be like to be immobile. Especially with my friends posting pictures of themselves getting suntanned in exotic climes while im sat on my sofa sweating and literally getting bedsores. I don't know for sure what my weight got to, but my mum and my bf both had a go at me and convinced me to go and get some exercise. I had literally not even done stairs in over 2 weeks and the only thing that had made me breathless was large family readymeals.

I went for a drive to the moors and Henry and I went for a walk for a little while. Everything ached and hurt but I began to get over it and really started to feel better. Since then I've been getting as much walking done as I can. I can't go far before I'm out of breath, and I keep going on yahoo when I stop for a rest so you may see more of me. I got my weight down to 30 stone 9 pounds, my scale finally agreeing to weigh me. I lost a lot of weight really fast and felt the difference. I weighed Henry in at 26 stone 11 that same day which I was really proud of and he was really excited that it made me so happy. That night we had the most amazing fuck I've had in a long time and . . . well . . . I'm hoping that I'm pregnant.

I began to feel weird and get sick for no reason and took a test which said positive. I'm not 100% but I really am shocked that I've got a positive result. I don't know whether to check again yet, but I will when I get around to it.

My weight has obviously gone back up because my scales refuse to weigh me again. I will be going to my doctor next week if I get another positive result so I will get another weigh in.

I estimate my daily calorie intake to be about 10,000 at the moment, but I'm doing a lot of walking and using my exercise bike. I want to be pregnant and if I am I want to get a bit fitter to make everything easier. I'll do a test soon and see how things go.
11:28 AM
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October 28, 2008 - Tuesday

Poorly
Hi all, Only a short blog as I have a throbbing headache, but I've nothing else to do today. I've been awake since 4.30 this morning and being sick and I've got the runs. I've been ill for a few days now and glad I'm not working. Have the heating on full and still cold :( brrr. Haven't eaten much because it comes right back up and all I can drink is fruit squash, anything else, even water, doesn't agree with me :S I'll go to docs if I get worse, but seriously, all she's said to me in ages is loose weight and you'll feel better so I don't actually expect help. I got to go, feel something bad coming :( eek!
6:54 AM
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October 18, 2008 - Saturday

Shit
Hi all,

It's been a busy few weeks for me and I'm not a happy bunny. Let's start with the first of my problems. A few days ago I apologised for missing so many days work and my boss told me that, while she hadn't wanted to mention it at the time, she was glad because she wasn't able to find enough work for me. The problem being that with a fall in house prices people seem less likley to do home improvements. We sell the stuff that you need to refit a bathroom or kitchen and various other things like that, and currently we have a pile of stock worth a good few grand in a warehouse that nobody's buying. That leaves less paperwork and she's doing it herself. Even her son has got another job! So being a lazy bitch with rich and generous parents, I said to her only to call me in if I was needed. I'm not technically redundant, but I'm technially not working. This means I'm spending all day on my ass eating junk and playing ps2, and I think I'll hit 30 stone by xmas without a doubt.

My other issue is my periods, or more to the point the lack of them. Even though I eat the same junk day in day out for years, only the last couple of months have I felt affected. My periods usually last for 5 days or so, but my last one only lasted 2 days and it wasn't very bad, and that was too long ago now. My doctor guessed at polycisytismcaicicaposylosc ovaries, where cysts form and block a ladies natural 'processes', however she wasn't in the mood to give me any tests and frankly if it's anything serious I'm going to sue her (not the NHS, just her personally) but I'm not worried. She weighed me and her scales clinked to a good 25 stone (I jumped off in terror before getting the pounds) but that was a few weeks ago. I'm probably over 26 by now, but it's not like I'm watching my weight.

My mum said the other day that I 'just keep getting bigger and bigger' and then said that as long as I'm happy then she'll stop nagging me. Something tells me that her recent, and quite astonishing, gain of 4 stone has something to do with it. I didn't notice until she told me. She gave me a load of her old clothes too and hasn't started a diet so I'm guessing she's taken a leaf out of my book for a change.

I mentioned last time that Amiee is dieting, well I was out for a drink with her and her boyfirend (I don't know where mine was, 2 bottles of magners and he goes on unauthorised walkies) when she said 'I'm really craving a kebab. I could eat a dozen.' She laughed, then he said 'Yeah but don't, because you've done so well with your diet'. It was true, she is noticably slimmer and seems more energetic, but I wasn't having him talking like that. 'So, do you think I'm unnatractive?' I asked. He looked like he was shitting himself as I gave him the best evils I could manage. Looking back I was being a bitch. 'Yeah you're attractive but, Amiee wants to be thin.' - 'No,' I began, 'YOU want her to be thin because you think your mates are laughing at you, you think she's suppoed to be skinny. Do you actually think she's attractive?' - Amiee stopped me before I could continue but, being in a mood I just got up and went to leave. I asked Amiee to come get a kebab with me but she insisted that she didn't want anything and I left. I got a carrierbag's worth from my local kebab shop and went home for the usual binge. Amiee text me saying he apologised to me, but it's not my feelings I'm worried about. Harry eventually made an appearance but was too drunk and passed out on the sofa, his only contribution was making the cooked part of my breakfast in the morning.

I could probably keep ranting but I won't. If I think of anything else to say then I'll do another blog . . . Does anyone read this?

6:46 PM
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September 25, 2008 - Thursday

Read other update first!
Anyway, more rain put out my bbq (but not before I'd had 4 burgers and at least 4 sausages) and we quickly packed our stuff into our tents and sure enough, my tent starts leaking! I wasn't majorly full but I couldn't move without my stomach hurting so I just laid down and read a book. I heard them chatting in the other tent, one of them said something about how much I ate, then another replied with something I couldn't hear and they burst out laughing. I love my cousin but she wasn't making me feel welcome. After a while they said they were going for a walk to the beach, and even when it's raining I simply love the beach, so I walked down with them. I'd packed a handbag with my purse and phone but then filled it with 4 snickers and 4 twix, all of which were eaten by the end of the walk, which can't have lasted more than an hour. I was exhausted, my legs were killing me and my back ached, so when I saw the tent almost drenched inside I decided to call it a day and go home. The girls didn't seem to mind, which put me in a shitty mood as I wrung out fabric and crammed it back in the bag. I said my goodbyes and went to tesco before going home, picking up a huge binge for the night. I don't remember everything but I know I ate 2 oven pizzas, 4 pot noodles, a large chocolate gauteo and a 6 person cheesecake, plus more that I can't remember. I went back to work the next day and binged badly all week. I think it was on the Thursday of that week that I 'dissconnected' myself from the world wide web. I'd left my laptop on the floor and stood on it as it was under some clothes. It crunched and now when I turn it on the screen stays black. I don't know what I weigh atm since I'm staying away from the scales. I know I'm still putting on weight, my clothes get tighter, my legs feel weaker, my car seems smaller and my mum's evils get worse. I think about 25 stone but I don't want to weigh myself to find out. I figure I'll do it at the docs for a humilation bonus. I need to go there as I've not had a period for almost 2 months and the last one wasn't like normal. I'm not pregnant, I just want to know what she says apart from 'loose weight'. Amiee has put on weight, she told me she's put on over a stone since the start of summer and she's going on a diet. Her boyfriend wants her to be really thin, I want to hit him, but she just doesn't have the money for a whole new wardrobe so wants to loose a stone. She said she was shocked when her Wii Fit told her she'd gained 10 pounds since she'd last used it and decided on the spot to loose some weight. As for Sarah, she's caching up with me, but I think it's going to upset her, she must be about 16 or 17 stone and I know how much she hates to be overweight. I've had a rocky road with my bf the last few weeks. It got really bad last weekend when he wanted to go out and I refused. He asked why and I told him it was simply that I'd brought a lot of food and wanted to stay in and eat. I'd said that as I pushed a slice of pizza in my mouth while sat watching TV. He went off on one saying I was obsessed with food and put it before him. I felt guilty but before I'd finished my mouthful he'd gone out. I tried to call him but he didn't speak to me for a few days until yesterday when he offered to take me for dinner. He apologised while we waited for our food. I ate 3 satay chicken, 4 dim sum, chicken chow mein, 8 sweet and sour chicken balls, peking pork, fried rice, a slice of fudge cake with 2 scoops of ice cream and a creamy sundee. He stayed the night but left early, making me feel a bit neglected, so I called sick and got up at 9 to make breakfast. 12 pancakes (some with lemon and sugar and some with syrup) a full english and 2 waffles with a tub of ben an jerrys cookie dough. i snacked as usual before having 2 large meals at mcdonalds and going on for the boneless bucket at KFC and a large pepsi, then for dinner I had 2 oven pizzas, a rustlers bbq rib and a rustlers 1/4 pounder. I just got back from the kebab shop and had a large donner, chicken sandwich and 2 large chips. I ate those and now I'm taking a nice hot bath (with a cheesecake, of course ;P) and later I'm having pot noodles and popcorn while I watch diary of the dead. The food has made me feel so good today, this lunchtime my stomach was so hard and stuffed that I felt like I could have brought myself to orgasm in seconds, but being out in public I wiseley decided not to. With every mouthful though has been the thougt, eating away at me, that Harry won't look after me if I hit 40 stone. I think it'll take me time, but I don't see us lasting forever. Anyway that's it, leave comments you ungrateful bicthes!
8:29 PM
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September 25, 2008 - Thursday

Blog Update
Current mood: hungry
Category: Blogging
Hi all, I'm posting on here because I can't get online atm (I'll explain later) and my phone won't let me log onto my usual blog. I'll cut and paste this to there when I get a chance. For now excuse any spellinging mistakes because my phone keypad isn't great for long msgs :P I may as well start where I left off. The camping didn't all go to plan :S I arrived at the campsite in the evening and there was a light drizzle soaking through my coat so I got in my cousin's tent for a while, which was only a 2 person 1 which already had 3 in it, plus me so my back was up against the side. I forgot that doing that makes the tent leak but after 10 minutes it was too late :( It'd made a puddle, soaking my butt and a pillow. As the rain didn't let up I just swapped it for the pillow I had in the car and went home. I came back the next morning and they weren't there but the tent was up so I put up mine and, not really that surprisingly, there were holes where I'd ripped it with the tent poles years ago. They came back shortly after I'd finished, they'd been to the beach while the sun was out. I'd brought a disposable bbq with me, thinking I'd be cool, and then I find out one of them's vegetarian and they're all on diets! I brought enough meat to feed a platoon of starving soldiers and only got them to eat 1 burger each! I, on the other hand, lost count of what I ate, and got a stomach ache! Sorry I'm busy (despite fact that I'm skiving today) so I'll finish this later.