Hi all!
So, I said I would update again, and here I am. For once
actually doing what I say I will do. Weird, no?
First of all I want to talk about a weird dream that I
had. I used to dream more often than I would have a night where I didn’t, but
since I have been bedbound I have dreamed less and less and it’s got to a point
where if I have a dream and I remember it I’m like “wow, that was odd.”. I
think there are a few reasons for that, and here is why I think I dream less.
1) I sleep weird. Apparently you only dream after a few
hours of solid sleep, and its pretty rare that I will sleep a solid 8 hours. My
sleeping pattern for the night is getting off to sleep around 1 or 2am and
waking around 9am-12pm. In that time I don’t sleep straight, I wake up for various
reasons. Usually I’m too hot, too cold, I can’t breathe properly, I think even
my snoring sometimes wakes me. Often I need the toilet, which is a fair reason
for a normal person to be woken up I suppose, but all I can do about it is piss
the bed. I often eat during the night too. I wake up sometimes with a growling
stomach. When I’m sleeping is probably the only time I’m not eating for more
than an hour, and so after a few hours of sleep my guts are just having fits of
hunger and that can wake me up too. I don’t eat big during the night, a pack of
cookies, some crisps, leftover Chinese or pizza, whatever is easily to hand and
I will eat it. Thirst is a big one too, I can wake up and drink a litre of
fizzy drink in a few gulps if it’s a hot night. And I have lots of naps during
the daytime too when I’m resting off heavy meals I quite often drift off after
eating.
2) I don’t do anything while I’m awake. I used to dream a
lot about things like school, work, new jobs, change, when things changed that
they would go back to how they used to be, things like that. Since I became
this lifeless blob there has been nothing to worry or drive me and I think
those things fuelled my dreams before.
3) I’m stupider than I used to be. I used to have a lot
going on up in my brain. It may not have seemed like it to people reading this
shit but I used to actually use my head. I didn’t do well in my GCSEs for
various reasons and never went on to do higher education but I was smart. The
closest I come to using my brain these days is playing videogames and I don’t
even challenge myself on them. Playing at this distance from the TV (a few feet
away from the end of the bed) I only game casually for a few minutes/hours at a
time and when I feel like I have to concentrate I just give up.
4) I’m bored. That’s pretty obvious. I’m so bored I feel
like I could literally chew my fingers off out of frustration.
5) I haven’t had sex in 4 years since my last boyfriend
left me and I haven’t come in about 3 years since I was last able to reach my
vagina. Lots of my dreams used to involve sex, or something erotic that was
leading up to sex. I used to wake up feeling horny sometimes and have to finish
myself off before I got up. I remember one time waking up at school dripping
wet between my legs, I don’t even know what I was dreaming about, but I had to
go straight to the shower to finish myself. With a total lack of any kind of sex
life and only a heart crushing sense of frustration whenever I do get horny,
any and all dreams of this kind seem to either be forgotten immediately or not
happen at all.
So anyway, the other night, I had a dream. It was neither
pleasant or unpleasant, it was just weird.
I haven’t really been able to walk in about 4 years, but
I was walking through an orchard. I was looking at the apples and pears hanging
from the trees and walking further and further into the orchard which went on
for as far as I could tell. Then I started talking with a caterpillar which was
on an apple and it warned me that the spiders would be after me if they saw me
looking at their apples. They were only little spiders but they started to
appear out of nowhere, webs blocking my path and driving me forward and they
made me kind of scared so I started trying to run but I could only shuffle
along. Then I realised how fat I was and that it was weighing me down and
stopping me from getting away. I kept going and eventually the orchard turned
into a wasteland, like when they knock stuff down to make way for new houses
and stuff. Then I see a people carrier and Jess is in it who I haven’t seen in
years and haven’t even spoken to in nearly as long. She is ushering me into the
car but there is only one seat in the back in the middle and I have to sit
there as she gets in and speeds away. She said the world is ending and we
needed to get to somewhere safe but on the way we got stuck in traffic and we
just abandoned the car and ended up in a Burger King where I ate and ate and
ate (because in real life I was starving hungry, I often dream eat haha) and
she told me she has missed me and she came to find me.
I don’t remember anything else but during the next day I
sent her a message on Facebook saying Hi (that was literally it, I didn’t say
by the way I had a weird dream about you). I haven’t heard back yet but it made
me want to get back in touch.
It also made me think a bit about what it meant.
I think it was saying I’m driven away from being healthy
(fruits) by my fears (spiders) and they drive me to the wastelands (being big
and lazy) and that inevitably leads me to more food. And that it reminded me
that I had an old life before I became a blob and those people are still there
and are still my friends. And maybe my fears are that I’m scared to change,
scared to go back to being normal, scared of what I will do with my life if I
could leave my bed, leave the house, go to work, drive a car . . . I’m so
useless now and have been for so long that I wonder if I can ever do anything
again.
But anyway, that was my dream and that was that.
I saw Sarah too. Not in my dream, in real life. I got her
to bring over KFC and Krispy Kremes. I paid her for it, but I asked for fucking
loads. I even asked for 2 packs of 12 donuts because I wanted to see if I could
eat 24. Its been a while since I have, but I put them aside for when she had
left. We talked and chatted about all sorts and I ate so much I ended up
feeling properly sick. I was so glad to see her eating so well too, she ate a
LOT! Since she got with her new guy she hasn’t cared about her size at all and
she has just ballooned. She is the biggest she’s ever been and is wearing a
size 28-30. Her sex life makes me so jealous, apparently she gives him blowjobs
all the time, even in the bathroom of a nightclub a while ago. He loves her
soft curves and her boobs (they are huge, 44F) and he made it clear that she
didn’t have to worry about her weight after a night when they went to the
cinema and he fondled her in the back in the dark. He couldn’t get between her
legs because the seats have armrests and they squished her legs together, but
she got so turned on that they had sex for hours that night and he made her
orgasm twice. By the sounds of it he isn’t a feeder. Maybe an FA, but most
likely he is just a good guy who knows a good girl when he sees one and isn’t interested
in her weight. They fuck about 3 times a week and they don’t even live
together. She has put on weight and she thinks most of it is from the drinking.
When they’re together she drinks cider and lager and goes through several pints
a night. For a change though she doesn’t care because her man doesn’t care and
I just really, really hope they don’t break up because if they do she’s going
to be devastated and she’s probably going to hate herself.
I couldn’t be more jealous of the sex though. I told her
how I’m gagging for a good seeing to and we reminisced about how easy it used
to be for us to go out and find someone to get laid with. Well, for her it was
easier haha! But I did have some luck. She knows about some of the guys I used to
chat to online and Steve but I told her I’m still scared of getting with a
feeder in case I end up how I did before.
Anyway, when she left I had my dinner of sausages, chips
and beans and for my dessert I began wolfing down the donuts. I struggled, not
because I got too full, but because they’re so creamy and sugary. I was
starting to feel weird and begin to shake slightly by the time I got on to the
second box, and then I was starting to really feel queasy. I got to a point
where there was 5 left and I just stopped and said to myself “no more”. I
washed them down with some Dr Pepper and then felt better a few minutes later
so foolishly forced them all down really fast. I sat there feeling sick for a
few minutes taking sips of Dr P when suddenly my body sort of spasmed and I
threw up all down my front. I was only sick the once but it was quite a lot and
I felt horrible afterwards.
I have been pushing myself with food ever since, trying
to find out my limits. Last night I was sick on Indian food, having god knows
how much Korma, rice and chicken tikka and 4 naan breads, I was so sick I
filled a few inches of my bucket. Today I have been much the same and I’m currently
sickeningly full of pasta. Supper time is coming up so I’m going to have to go
or I will smother my laptop in grease.
Love love! Ali xXx
