Ok, so it's 7am and I've been up since about 3. I got to sleep at about 10 last night then woke up needing the toilet. After a long struggle to get myself out of bed I sat on the toilet and broke the seat. It's still in one peice, it's just that one peice isn't attatched to the loo anymore. I felt my knees creak and hurt as I stood up from such a crouched position and headed back to bed. Before I even got into bed though I got dull hunger pains. I find them like needing to take a piss, I just can't get to sleep until I've done something about it. So I went to the fridge and stuck a 1.6kg macaroni cheese dish in the oven. That took about 45 minutes so in the meantime I ate 6 pork pies, 2 sausage rolls, a large cheese and bacon quiche and a can of coke, then it was ready.
I just want to point out that I was sat in the light of the oven, my bf at his house because he finds it difficult to sleep with me on hot nights (or at all, it seems).
I sat in bed and ate and ate. I felt my stomach swelling with every bite and about half way through the dish it started to taste yucky but I kept going. I know that cold or re-heated it tastes worse and I didn't want it to go to waste so I forced it all down. One dish is something like 3 times your daily recommended allowance of fat, and my stomach really didn't like it. My stomach said stop, my mouth said no and my fucked up brain said keep eating.
When I was finished I felt worse than when I started so I decided I needed something to soak up all the fat (that may sound weird, but it sometimes helps). There was a big victoria sponge in the fridge so I had half of that but just felt sick.
It was about 5.30 when I'd finished eating and I haven't gotten back to sleep.
I've been thinking about my life this whole time and how I've completely ruined it. I had everything anyone could want: a great home, loving parents who respected me, a loving boyfriend who'd do anything for me, great friends, a great job . . . Now I'm a recluse. I haven't been out in almost 2 weeks. That's not out at all, not even to the shop. I had 2 deliveries from the supermarket, some takeaways and pizzas but I've not even stepped out of the door. My bf is getting sick of my attitude and laziness though he still caters for it since it makes me happy when he shops for me. My mum is angry with me for still not going to weight watchers and letting myself get so huge in such a short time. There was a time when she was always congratulating me for doing so well, now it seems all I get is the truth. I quit my job (what the fuck was I thinking?!) because I can't stand or walk for very long without feeling bad and sweating like a pig. I haven't seen Amiee in ages or Sarah since about 2 weeks ago and I'm starting to go crazy.
In the last couple of hours I've not been able to move off the bed, I feel too sick and heavy to move and I've not only regretted eating all this food tonight but I've regretted every bite I've ever eaten in my life. I regret eating 10-20,000 calories a day for the last couple of years. I've thought back to how it all started, my mum practically force feeding me as a child, not being allowed to play outside and sitting indoors all day stuffing my face. Spending a whole school summer holiday one year cooking treats for myself and wondering why girls picked on me. Turning to food at times of stress.
After letting myself baloon to 24 stone a couple of years ago my mum put me on a horrible diet/exercise regime. I didn't have a job or my own place so I was under her control. When I slimmed down to almost 14 stone I felt, almost happy. I wasn't me, but I was what the world wanted me to be. I went out and didn't get tired and ate out and didn't leave feeling sick. I didn't walk down the street and feel like a freak. I shopped in the same stores as my friends (I actually fucking had friends). I wonder now as I sit here, practically disabled by my weight already, wether I'll ever really feel happy. I know now that despite the sexual thrill I get from seeing myself grow, that's all there is to it. I only feel like sex now because of what I'm doing to Henry, I don't find my body attractive anymore. It's just a blob, I'm not even a well shaped blob. My belly hangs over onto my waist and it's uncomfortable to let it hang out, and I feel funny wearing trousers over it. My arms are flabby and I have horrible rolls which get sweat in them. I have some sore spots on my lower back and under my arms because I can't reach them to clean them anymore. I can hardly fit into my shower let alone move around in it.
And what happens if I feed Henry to my size? He'll get as lazy as me, we'll probably find sex impossible and then what will we be to eachother? A couple of fat fucks, too big to get up and unable to move so we keep eachother company.
As futile as I think it is, I've stopped using condoms in the hope of getting pregnant. I told Henry my periods stopped because of my weight and diet, but it's not true. They're a little out of sync but I put that down to my lack of exercise.
It's about 7.30 now. I still feel ill. I'm probably going to spend the whole day indoors again feeling sorry for myself. I might get the exercise bike out but I doubt it. I'm laid on my side right now, my belly spilling about a metre onto the bed. I can't sit up and use the laptop, it won't rest on my belly.
Right now I just wish to god I could stop eating . . . but even with my stomach still getting over my unhealthy overindulgence, I can feel myself forcing myself up to make breakfast.
I'm going to eat all I want today, as much as I feel like change, nothing is going to change who I am inside so I won't fight it. I have a huge meal planned for Henry, and hopefully some sex will cheer me up. I've ordered some clothes that are due to turn up today, so if they do I may see if he wants to go out. I'll still feel like a freak, but I feel more of a freak staying in.
Well, I'm going to make breakfast. I'll write again when I feel like it.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Hi all,
So, interesting week.
First of all I didn't go to Weight Watchers this week. I really didn't want to sit around for an hour and a half with a bunch of women who think fat is disgusting. My mum is angry with me for not going to my first proper meeting since she's paying. I might go to the next one just to please her.
Back home last week I saw myself in the mirror. I realised I have to step back further to see my whole body in my dress mirror as it's so narrow. I've lost my shape completley, my breasts are saggy and flabby and you can't see the nipples without moving them as they're touching my belly. My gut spills down over my thighs and my butt sticks out pretty far. My belly looks stretched, I have deep purple stretchmarks on the sides where it's pulled itself down and on my hips and on the underside of my flabby arms.
Friday my bike came and Saturday Henry put it up for me. I used it for 5 minutes, felt like I was going to have a heart attack, then came off it and stuffed my face with a 4 pack of double chocolate muffins.
Monday since I didn't go to Weight Watchers and wanted to know what I weigh I asked to see my docotor, and luckily got in that afternoon (I have an awesome doctor). She weighed me in at 32 stone 8 pounds (456 pounds). That's 2 stone in 2 months, another bad gain and it worried my doctor. She's never seen me get so big, she's always warned me that I'd end up getting bigger if I didn't change my lifestyle and she was right. We spoke about how I'm feeling, with my back pains and general lack of fitness (like I can't even walk around town much anymore, stairs are a no-no and I get seriously out of breath just having sex), my diet and my lifestyle. She even asked me whether I was taking any action and whether surgury had crossed my mind, but didn't reccomend it.
Yesterday I didn't go out until late, I spent the whole day on the sofa pigging out. I was bored, having watched every dvd I have and with nothing on TV I just zombified in front of daytime TV. I couldn't get full even though I ate a box of cereal, 2 oven pizzas, oven chips, several muffins, cream cakes, 4 bananas, 2 apples, loads of chocolate bars, donuts and half a tub of ice cream, plus whatever else I can't remember. I made myself a huge saucepan of pasta (it was probably 5 healthy sized servings) and sat eating the whole lot. I felt like I was going to burst, then Henry phoned saying he was coming over after work (this was probably about 4.30) asking if I wanted him to pick anything up.
I told him I'd binged all day and eaten all the goodies in the flat, so he went to Tesco to get a few more treats (or should that be necessities) for me. He said I'd have to stop eating so much because he wasn't saving any money this month, having spent nearly all his wages on me, but he knows I can't. He brought me back 2 big mac meals and a double cheeseburger. It was a little hard to eat it all since I was still bloated from all the pasta but I wanted it badly, my brain was crying out for something fatty and delicious lol.
I had to get up for the toilet and for the first time I was too heavy to get up by myself. I felt weak, my legs and back aching, my stomach bloated, I just couldn't get up. I tried rolling to one side, even rolling off but it was too hard and I just felt out of breath and sick from all the exhurtion. Henry laughed and helped me up and I tried to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal, and he took it like a joke, but to me it felt serious. I feel like I'm getting reculsive and it's giving me a pretty good idea of what I have in store if (or more likeley when) I become immobile.
I wanted to go out so Henry took me to the cinema. I wanted to look good but none of my jeans or skirts fit me so I went with the grey jogging bottoms I've worn recently. They're a size 32 but they've been stretched quite a lot, I know I'm bigger than that. I wear them over my belly button and they dig in a little which holds them up nicely. I had a black XXXL men's t-shirt on to cover my lack of shape (despite the fact that it hugged me) and wore my trainers, which are in need of replacing because I've worn them out quite a lot :S One of the worst things about getting so big is that it's so hard to get good clothes. I'll need to beg Henry to buy me some over the net.
We saw drag me to hell (it was really good, scared the shit out of me). I had a large popcorn, nachos, a hot dog, 3 scoops of b&j's and some malteasers. When we left I was starving and coaxed him into pizza. I got him to eat a large deep pan with the works and he got me the same with some wedges, dunkers and we both had plenty of dessert. I felt like the biggest girl in there, I know a few people stared at me. I heard some kids laughing at me too (or at least I feel like it was me).
I ate some snacks before bed and woke up this morning with a massive appetiete. I'm gonna go sort that out, I'll write again soon :)
Ali x x x x X X X X x x x x
So, interesting week.
First of all I didn't go to Weight Watchers this week. I really didn't want to sit around for an hour and a half with a bunch of women who think fat is disgusting. My mum is angry with me for not going to my first proper meeting since she's paying. I might go to the next one just to please her.
Back home last week I saw myself in the mirror. I realised I have to step back further to see my whole body in my dress mirror as it's so narrow. I've lost my shape completley, my breasts are saggy and flabby and you can't see the nipples without moving them as they're touching my belly. My gut spills down over my thighs and my butt sticks out pretty far. My belly looks stretched, I have deep purple stretchmarks on the sides where it's pulled itself down and on my hips and on the underside of my flabby arms.
Friday my bike came and Saturday Henry put it up for me. I used it for 5 minutes, felt like I was going to have a heart attack, then came off it and stuffed my face with a 4 pack of double chocolate muffins.
Monday since I didn't go to Weight Watchers and wanted to know what I weigh I asked to see my docotor, and luckily got in that afternoon (I have an awesome doctor). She weighed me in at 32 stone 8 pounds (456 pounds). That's 2 stone in 2 months, another bad gain and it worried my doctor. She's never seen me get so big, she's always warned me that I'd end up getting bigger if I didn't change my lifestyle and she was right. We spoke about how I'm feeling, with my back pains and general lack of fitness (like I can't even walk around town much anymore, stairs are a no-no and I get seriously out of breath just having sex), my diet and my lifestyle. She even asked me whether I was taking any action and whether surgury had crossed my mind, but didn't reccomend it.
Yesterday I didn't go out until late, I spent the whole day on the sofa pigging out. I was bored, having watched every dvd I have and with nothing on TV I just zombified in front of daytime TV. I couldn't get full even though I ate a box of cereal, 2 oven pizzas, oven chips, several muffins, cream cakes, 4 bananas, 2 apples, loads of chocolate bars, donuts and half a tub of ice cream, plus whatever else I can't remember. I made myself a huge saucepan of pasta (it was probably 5 healthy sized servings) and sat eating the whole lot. I felt like I was going to burst, then Henry phoned saying he was coming over after work (this was probably about 4.30) asking if I wanted him to pick anything up.
I told him I'd binged all day and eaten all the goodies in the flat, so he went to Tesco to get a few more treats (or should that be necessities) for me. He said I'd have to stop eating so much because he wasn't saving any money this month, having spent nearly all his wages on me, but he knows I can't. He brought me back 2 big mac meals and a double cheeseburger. It was a little hard to eat it all since I was still bloated from all the pasta but I wanted it badly, my brain was crying out for something fatty and delicious lol.
I had to get up for the toilet and for the first time I was too heavy to get up by myself. I felt weak, my legs and back aching, my stomach bloated, I just couldn't get up. I tried rolling to one side, even rolling off but it was too hard and I just felt out of breath and sick from all the exhurtion. Henry laughed and helped me up and I tried to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal, and he took it like a joke, but to me it felt serious. I feel like I'm getting reculsive and it's giving me a pretty good idea of what I have in store if (or more likeley when) I become immobile.
I wanted to go out so Henry took me to the cinema. I wanted to look good but none of my jeans or skirts fit me so I went with the grey jogging bottoms I've worn recently. They're a size 32 but they've been stretched quite a lot, I know I'm bigger than that. I wear them over my belly button and they dig in a little which holds them up nicely. I had a black XXXL men's t-shirt on to cover my lack of shape (despite the fact that it hugged me) and wore my trainers, which are in need of replacing because I've worn them out quite a lot :S One of the worst things about getting so big is that it's so hard to get good clothes. I'll need to beg Henry to buy me some over the net.
We saw drag me to hell (it was really good, scared the shit out of me). I had a large popcorn, nachos, a hot dog, 3 scoops of b&j's and some malteasers. When we left I was starving and coaxed him into pizza. I got him to eat a large deep pan with the works and he got me the same with some wedges, dunkers and we both had plenty of dessert. I felt like the biggest girl in there, I know a few people stared at me. I heard some kids laughing at me too (or at least I feel like it was me).
I ate some snacks before bed and woke up this morning with a massive appetiete. I'm gonna go sort that out, I'll write again soon :)
Ali x x x x X X X X x x x x
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