Sunday, December 30, 2012

Xmas 2012, and other things!

Hi all, Surprise, surprise, I’m fatter. A few little changes have taken place in my life, nothing major. Since I moved in with my aunt I’ve had regular visits from my doctor, though not the same GP who knew me when I was smaller and saw me do this to myself, she’s been seeing me for over a year now. In that time she’s been trying to get me to lose some weight and make some progress towards being able to walk and get some exercise so that I can be considered for weight loss surgery. I haven’t been weighed since the hospital, but like me, she knows I’ve put on a lot more weight. I can feel it in myself and how small the beds seem to be getting and she said she can tell just from looking at me that I’m considerably wider than when I first came here. She hasn’t judged me or been mean about it, which I’m really grateful for because I’m emotional enough as it is at the moment without someone drilling in how much of a pig I am. Because she’s so understanding I opened up to her about how much I’ve been eating and that I’m very much back on the junk food. She couldn’t believe the size of the portions I’ve been stuffing into myself, but my aunt showed her the kind of baking dish she has to make my food in. Anything like lasagne or pasta bake she does in a tray that’s about 3 inches deep and fills the oven side to side. And I always have other things at the same time. Because I’m bigger it’s become harder and harder for my aunt to change my pads, so now I sleep on my side, so that she can change it at night and in the morning without having to move me as much. In order to get me on my side I have a rail on the side of the bed that I can pull and she pushes from my side. It usually takes quite a few tries to get me over, then my gut just sort of folds onto the bed. I sleep better on my side anyway since my chest isn’t so crushed. I developed a lot more sores and some got quite badly infected a while back, so I get washed more often now. I was offered an assisted living nurse a few times a week but I couldn’t handle the idea of it. At the moment my aunt’s help is all I need but my doctor said that if my aunt needs more help taking care of me then it can be arranged. I also confided that I’m constantly bored, frustrated and lonely. My aunt’s suggestion to widen the doorway led to the idea that we could remove the wall between my room and the living room/hall. So a few weeks ago some of the wall was removed and two big sliding doors are now in the middle. Having the work done was so awkward. My aunt put up some temporary curtains so that the two guys who did the work couldn’t see me. I felt like a circus sideshow, even though they were only ever nice to my aunt and made no comments about me or the work they were doing. I never really saw them, but they saw the huge trays of food my aunt was bringing me, so they must have known what was going on. The only condition of the wall being open is that I have to hold it in when I need the toilet for as long as I can. If I can’t hold it then my aunt closes the doors until the next morning so that the smell doesn’t fill the whole house. I feel really horrible holding it in, it’s hard to describe, but I need to go all the time. My guts just get so bloated it actually hurts. I get a lot of diaorreha too, so sometimes I can’t hold it at all. My doctor puts that down to my diet and how quickly I eat, she thinks my body just doesn’t have time to process it. I have some medication but it just blocked me up so now I don’t take it. And my bladder hasn’t had to hold anything in about a year, so it’s been such a hard job learning to control myself again. The first week I just wet myself all day long and it hurt to try to hold it, but now I can hold it in for a few hours. I’m supposed to be losing weight again, but I’m just being a total pig. My doctor thinks that now I have less to stress and depress me I’ll eat less. She doesn’t understand that isn’t how it works with me. For example, today I woke up at about 9 when my aunt came to clean me. In the hour it took to clean me I was eating 4 buttered croissants, 4 pan au chocolate, 2 bowls of sugar puffs and 8 buttered cinnamon and raison bagels. My aunt just sees it all as routine, that I’ll never change, so rather than lecturing me or just refusing to bring me these things, she just does it anyway. She likes to make sure I’m full, and because I wasn’t, she made me a fry up while I watched some TV. Then she brought me the fry up consisting of 4 sausages, 4 rashers of bacon, 4 fried eggs, baked beans and 8 pieces of fried bread. On the side I had 8 rounds of buttered toast with jam and a big mug of tea with 2 sugars. Before I’d even finished the toast she cleared my plate and asked if I’d like anything else, to which my reply was obviously yes. By this time it was nearing lunch time so she gave me a pile of snacks, 5 packets of crisps, a multipack bag of assorted chocolate bars, a frijj milkshake and some haribo. I mentioned to my doc that I’m also very sexually frustrated because I can’t pleasure myself, but her reaction to that was less helpful. She said it was something I could look forward to doing again when I’ve lost enough weight. Given that I haven’t been able to touch myself since before I even reached 40 stone, and she now estimates that I’m around 60 stone, I don’t think that will ever happen. Because of my boredom and frustration, whenever my aunt is out I’ve been trying to contact Steve, begging him to come and sort me out, but he hasn’t come, always making excuses and saying he doesn’t want to anger my family any more. It gets so bad sometimes that I feel sick that I can’t finish myself off. I still get aroused all the time and it just depresses me and makes me cry that my pussy has to go unloved forever. Vicky is still coming over with fast food quite often, but her mum is angry with her for getting so big that she’s outgrown all her clothes. There isn’t much left in my wardrobe which fits her either. She’s also struggling to walk and breathe and she’s getting lots of colds. She seems to be ill every other week, so she has spent quite a bit more time at home. All of it in bed eating, apparently. She still has it in her mind that she’s going to end up like me and be happy about it. I’ve given up talking her out of it. When I was really bad I was going through a bottle of whiskey in a day and I’m back up to that again some days. I don’t think I’m an alcoholic, because I don’t feel any worse if I go without it, but the fact that I can put away a litre of JD in a night is pretty shocking. It’s costing too much to drink that much on a daily basis, but I find it helps me deal with the monotony and boredom as well as the aches and soreness all over my body, so until my aunt stops me I’ll be getting drunk every night I can. Xmas at my Aunt’s place was the usual affair, except I had to spend it in bed. The doors were open and my family all came in to see how I’m doing. I tried to clean myself up and look as presentable as possible, but that’s not easy when all you have to wear is a bedsheet. I was so pleased to see my cousins. Kate, who just turned 19, had put on so much weight over the summer that she got a gastric band fitted back in November. Obviously as this was her first xmas with it she was bitchy and annoyed that she couldn’t eat like everyone else, she can’t really eat anything with too much fat, so she just nibbled on her dinner and had some of her jelly that she’s allowed to eat. So far she hasn’t weighed herself apparently but she thinks she’s lost some weight. Before the operation she’d gone up to almost 20 stone. My little cousin Tim has been put on a strict diet because of his diabetes. He hates it, and because it was xmas he was allowed to pig out. Apparently he’s something like 23 stone, which for a 13 year old is just shocking. Knowing his mum and dad, I don’t think his diet will last much longer though. His mum said she was getting cravings for Chinese and Indian food, she hasn’t had any in a few weeks now, so I can see things getting back to normal at some point. Then there’s Jess, she turned 12 a few weeks ago and we had a party for her here. It says something that they had to buy 2 birthday cakes when there was only 4 kids turned up. She was weighed by her GP back in autumn and was apparently 20 stone. Given what she ate over the festive season, there is no way she didn’t put on yet more weight. Fortunately for her she’s quite tall for her age, about 5ft, but she’s still having trouble with just life in general. Getting school uniforms is near impossible for her mum, and apparently she wears through her school shoes in a couple of months. Rather than put her on a diet, which her mum thinks will mess her up (even though Tim’s on one, wtf?) she’s just tried to make life easier for her, like helping her get dressed in the mornings and helping her get her seatbelt on, things like that. Apparently she even has to help her in the shower because she’s not cleaning herself properly, she doesn’t realise that she needs to get into her folds or she goes to school smelling terrible. There was even talk of, if she gets bigger, buying her a scooter. Sometimes I despair at my own family. Vicky came over too, obviously, and she spent the most time with me, chilling in my room with me and eating chocolates and snacks. I had the doors open for lunch, but at about 3 I shat myself so the doors were closed. Vicky doesn’t mind the smell so we had dinner together as she didn’t want me to be alone. We ate so much we both just passed out in pain later in the evening. I think my aunt came in 4 times with our food, we had a whole xmas pudding each and a 500ml of double cream each. Vicky thinks she weighs about 40 stone. Looking at her I’d say she’s right. She wore a huge purple top and a pair of leggings up and over her belly, but the top rode up enough for her fat to be exposed whenever she moved. She struggles to get out of her seat the way I used to, but she seems a lot fitter than I was. Presumably because she doesn’t spend all day every day at home. She still sometimes goes out, not just in the car. She can even waddle around Asda when she as to, as she has still occasionally been coming over with desserts and treats for us to share. When we last had McDonalds, she got through 3 big mac meals and 2 boxes of nuggets, among other things. While we had some privacy on xmas I tried to get her to open up about sex, asking her why, if she’d never had it, she hadn’t ever sorted herself out before, and when I said about how I can’t play with myself anymore, she admitted that she’s been too big to reach herself for quite some time now. She has however been dating. A friend she hasn’t seen since school has been messaging her on facebook so they met up. Seems he wasn’t aware that she’d doubled in weight since leaving school, but he is either desperate or he didn’t really mind. I’m probably going to go with desperate, as bad as that may sound. He’s not good looking, at all, not that I’m judging or trying to be bitchy, he is unemployed and just looks like shit most of the time. I have only seen photos of him on facebook though, obviously. Apparently he’s really sweet to her, but they’ve done nothing as far as the bedroom is concerned. Apparently she can’t even get up his staircase as its steep and narrow, so I’m not sure how things will go between them. She still thinks she’s destined to be like me, but now she thinks he’ll be there to take care of her. She’s so stupid it makes me want to cry, but she’s also my best friend now and I can’t really be mean to her. Talking of best friends, Sarah came to see me. It was a nice surprise, though it wasn’t on xmas, it was like, 15th or something like that. Anyway she had a present for me, which turned out to be perfume, which was nice. Helps cover up the smell, but I didn’t say that to her. Apparently she gave up dieting, she’s met someone who loves her as she is, which is nice and makes a change from the usual pigs she dates. He doesn’t like her to diet since he enjoys taking her out to restaurants and out for drinks on the weekends. She said all the weight she lost got put back on in just a couple of weeks of being with him, and even more has just piled on top. She still hates being fat, but she’s kind of accepted it by the sounds of things. I think now she has someone she loves and loves her back, she can live with her huge size. She’s wearing size 30-32, her biggest ever, but doesn’t want to weigh herself, she doesn’t think that’s a productive thing to do anymore. He’s a big guy himself, a drummer for a local band though I forget the name. Apparently I met him before while drunk one night many years back. He’s built like a tank but with a huge beer belly. She said the sex is amazing but a lot of hard work since both of them are so big. The only way for him to penetrate her is in the doggy style position, missionary just doesn’t work. He wears a 50” waist in jeans and has a belly that bulges out further than that, so that and her huge belly means they can’t get close enough. She went into lots of little details though, apparently penetrative sex isn’t something they do much of. It’s usually that she gets fingered or pleasured with her toy. She said she’s blown him at least once a day since they started seeing each other, which I thought was shocking, but even if she’s not in the mood she does it for him. She swallows too, apparently because with the amount she does it, it’s just easier. She’s been sex starved for a long time, which I think has a lot to do with it too. She’s doing some admin work at the moment and said she could probably find work for me that I could do at home, if I was interested, but I told her I would probably just be lazy and not get it done, either in time or at all, because I’m just like that. I saw my mum on xmas day, she was so nice to me, she misses me I think. She also misses cooking for me and on boxing day she did my breakfast, it was soooo good. Not that my aunt isn’t an amazing cook, but my mum just really knows how I like it. I think she probably used butter instead of vegetable oil for my fry up for starters. She wants me to come home, but if I do I know she will try to control my diet. I’ve been through this before so many times now, telling them that if I don’t get what I want I will run away with a feeder, but they never really give up. I suppose I can understand it, I am virtually on the brink of death every day. Anyway mum has lost weight, she’s down to a size 28-30, which is very slim for her, but she still had some clothes left over from a few years back. And one surprise occurrence was seeing my old friend Amiee on facebook. I haven’t seen her in years but she just suddenly popped up in my people you may know section and we got chatting. She has lost soooo much weight! She’s like a model! She’s a size 12 now, which is shocking because at one stage she was massive. After I lost touch with her she said she went through some hard times and turned to food, ballooning to about 25 stone before she had a massive wake up call when her boyfriend ran off with a girl who was half her size. She lost weight on Slimming World then had an operation to tighten her loose skin, so she just looks amazing. She’s saving up to have her breasts done though, after the weight loss they’re apparently not looking how she’d like, so she wants them augmented. Apparently her surgeon can put in implants for basically the same cost as the procedure she wants, so she wants to have them enlarged. She’s a DD cup as it is, but she figured what the hell as she loves male attention. I was pretty shocked to see her like that, I hardly recognised her. It reminded me of when I had a strange lesbian crush on her. Pretty stupid, but seeing how beautiful she’s made herself now just made me feel sad for myself and the way I’ve utterly destroyed my body. She goes on holidays all the time, one of the reasons she’s acquired herself a bikini body. They don’t even make swimsuits in my size, let alone bikinis. I didn’t tell her what I weigh, just that I’m unemployed and living at my aunt’s place. I don’t have any other news at the moment, but I will update when something else happens. Sorry, I really suck with this blog. Toodles! Love love love! Ali xxXXxx