November '13

Hi all,

Not a lot has changed since I last posted. I still haven’t been up off the bed, I’ve accepted that I will probably be here for the rest of my life. However I may have lost a little bit of weight. I had a bad chest infection a few weeks back, just as it started to get really cold, and I couldn’t eat for 3 days. It wasn’t just ‘oh, I don’t feel like eating’, I was literally throwing up anything I tried to eat within a couple of minutes. I couldn’t even drink anything fizzy, I was on water for most of the 3 days until I started to get better, and for the 2 weeks after my aunt was really careful on what she let me eat, it was mostly toast and soup and to be honest I didn’t mind because I had felt like hell for so long but my guts were roaring with hunger.

When I felt better, my aunt told me I looked a lot better, and not just because I was feeling well but because I looked noticeably slimmer. It was hard for me to see any difference, but she pointed out that the skin on my legs was a lot looser (I think because they were so much less swollen with fluid) and my belly wasn’t as big as usual. I still couldn’t see it but my mum agreed that I looked a lot healthier.

They asked me to try to keep eating less and to try to move more, but I again refused to listen. I told them straight I wanted to get back to eating normally again as I was feeling fine, but as a compromise I agreed to do some exercises in the morning, noon and evening. Ultimately they want me to finally get back off the bed and at least into the wheelchair. I don’t know if that is possible but they seem to think I can do it even by Christmas. Obviously, I at first tried to get out of doing any exercise. I claimed my chest hurt, my head ached, my back ached, but my aunt said that was always the case and I needed to do something, so refused to bring me any food until I had finished the moves with her. It’s just stretches really. It’s very hard work for me, obviously, because I haven’t done anything physical in a long time, but I’m mostly just stretching my arms up and twisting my torso for a minute or two. At first I was feeling sick and gasping for air after a few seconds but now I can do about 2 minutes of gentle movement before I start to feel really bad.

My doctor made a few checks on me while I was ill, but given that I’m not really accepting any of her help, she isn’t really being all that helpful to me. She thinks I am a lot slimmer than I was in the summer. She said she was really concerned about how big I was getting back then but was a lot happier to see me smaller. She thinks I could get up if I tried hard enough and agrees I should be doing some exercises to build myself back up to getting out of the bed. She said if I can get up, she wants to weigh me, to which I said sure, because I know I’m not getting up any time soon.

The truth is, I’m scared shitless of getting out of bed. It will be the first step in a long and hard and painful journey to making me a normal, functional human being again, and I really don’t want to be one anymore. I don’t think I can take the stress, mentally or physically, of doing anything with my life. So since I have been getting back into the swing of my old diet, I have been totally stuffing myself to bursting point every waking hour.

It may seem strange because I’m always complaining about how bad my life is stuck in this room, but I know how much worse it will be while I’m getting better and I’m not ready for it. So once again, I’m deliberately fattening myself up.

By now from reading this you probably have some idea how much I eat, but I have been taking in some extra help to get my body back to how it was earlier in the year. I’m still having my usual 4 meals a day, but I’m getting lots of extra ‘snacks’ that I wouldn’t have thought of before, like I will eat whole tubs of chocolate Philadelphia, peanut butter and nutella straight from the jars, double cream straight out of the carton, condensed milk straight from the tin, entire packets of biscuits like oreos or digestives, and probably other things that I can’t think of off the top of my head, but you get the idea. My aunt would flip if she knew I was drinking cream straight, but I make my shopping orders online and I get her to bring them into me so I can sort stuff out before she puts things away (like toiletries and snacks) so I just hide stuff like that as best I can in the bed before she comes back to put stuff away. Plus Vicky is being an amazing help. I haven’t specifically said I want to gain weight but she knows how I feel about pushing my limits and she takes any excuse at the moment to have a fast food binge with me so its easy to get her to pick up junk food, muffins, cheesecakes, donuts, creamcakes etc . . . we eat so much together its crazy. I have pretty much eaten constantly and had constant stomach aches for a couple of weeks now. I only stop eating to do my few minutes of exercise, to have my wash and pad changed, to sleep/nap and when I think I will puke. So, yeah, probably going to put all that weight back on and then some ;)

Yesterday I ate so much for dinner I thought I was going to have another heart attack. Most of the family were over again for the day so I got cleaned up and stayed poop free until the evening. I managed to get an old t-shirt on with help but obviously it didn’t really go on properly so I was still half wrapped in a blanket. I did look half presentable though. I even had my hair up in a bun and did a little makeup to make my face seem a little less rank.

My cousin Kate was the first to say hello to me. She is still 12 stone apparently and she doesn’t think she will lose any more weight without surgery to remove the skin. That might be half the truth, but given that somehow she is back to eating normal food again, I think there might be more to it. When she first had it done (about a year ago, I think) she could hardly eat anything, then it was just tiny portions but no fat, then she was just eating like normal but small portions, and this year (according to Vicky, because obviously I didn’t go in the dining room) she was eating fairly big portions for someone who is supposed to have a tiny stomach. Still less than average and much less than our family average or what she used to eat, but quite a bit nonetheless. She even said she is glad she can eat again because she’s looking forward to really pigging out at xmas dinner. How she could go through with the band and then totally change her attitude back to fat ass mode within a year amazes me. Then I saw Tim, who is about the same as he was before but growing into his weight rather than just expanding further outwards, and Jess who is now 13 and supposedly weighs 25 stone (ish, nobody is quite sure since she won’t go on a scale).

Vicky arrived late but she brought me some extra treats which I asked her to get (including 2 tubs of clotted cream, my new guilty pleasure), and she ate with me. She is still around 35 stone and isn’t trying to lose weight like her mum wants. She’s not being as much of a pig as she used to though, which is good I guess. Her mum only allowed her one plate of the roast dinner and one of each of the two desserts (trifle and chocolate sponge with custard), but thanks to her excellent excuse of bringing me my plates, she was able to scoff a little extra haha ;) but I just totally lost track of what I was eating. I was bloated like a huge balloon, my upper belly became firm and painfully stuffed. I had so much that I was feeling light headed by the time she brought the desserts in. I had 2 bowls of trifle and 2 of the cake and custard. It was really rich so I decided to empty my tubs of clotted cream into the custard and I forced it all down, my eyes rolling in my head and my stomach aching like crazy.

When it was all inside me the wall just hit me and I realised how bad I felt. I was struggling to breathe, I felt like I would faint, my stomach hurt, my chest felt tight and every heartbeat was like it was pumping treacle, I couldn’t be still but it hurt to move, I was having to constantly swallow with a dry throat to stop myself from being sick and I had to ask Vicky to give me some time alone so I could have a little cry and groan as I rubbed my belly. I haven’t been so full in so long, I actually thought I might die. I was sweating like crazy and I think I could have actually had a heart attack if I had tried moving more. I felt a lot better after an hour and after I had a shit, it seemed half the pain in my guts was just me having the runs.

Today I had an absurdly huge burger. Sarah has been eating at a pub with her boyfriend which we used to frequent and they always did really huge, really nice burgers. She jokingly asked them if they did takeaways and they apparently do, so she got me a burger which had 2 ¼ pound pattys, lots of bacon, a ton of cheese, onion rings and salad and it was so tall I had to dismantle it just to get it in my mouth. Was so lush though. She brought me 12 krispy kremes again too because she is an angel like that, but they only had the ring donuts so I pretty much swallowed them all whole. We chatted for a while but I was sleepy and she had to be places so she wasn’t here for long. I had dinner almost right after she left and my aunt had made a huge platter of leftover roast from the big dinner she made yesterday so I am absolutely stuffed right now. I’m scoffing down a few chocolate biscuits with chocolate philly on them right now. I don’t really want them, in fact my stomach is killing me, but I need to put some weight on.

The thought of deliberately gaining weight again has got me so fucking horny. I can’t really do anything about it but I have been playing with my tits whenever my hands have been free. I have ignored them so much this past year that playing with them they feel tender and sore but it’s still turning me on like crazy. I keep massaging my gut, as much of it as I can reach, lifting the folds and groaning with pleasure at the thought of growing bigger, patting it and just picturing how I could actually end up with my belly covering my legs entirely if I can keep this up. I forgot how much I love my fat when I give it attention, I just wish I wasn’t just teasing and frustrating myself.

I don’t know for sure what I weigh, my doctor guesses (based on how I looked when I came here about 2 years ago) about 45-50 stone. But feeling like I do right now, I want to be 60 or even 70 stone. I don’t even care if it kills me I just want to feel huge. I just don’t feel as big as I am, I haven’t really felt like I’m ‘big enough’ since I was in my flat turning into Steve’s butterball, but I want to be like that again . . . or bigger . . .

So yeah, there it is. I will either never update again because my diet has killed me or, more likely, I will get sick and lose weight again. But either way I won’t stop eating until I’m satisfied that I’m big enough and I don’t have to move anywhere . . .

By all xxXXxx

Dreams and shit x

Hi all!

So, I said I would update again, and here I am. For once actually doing what I say I will do. Weird, no?

First of all I want to talk about a weird dream that I had. I used to dream more often than I would have a night where I didn’t, but since I have been bedbound I have dreamed less and less and it’s got to a point where if I have a dream and I remember it I’m like “wow, that was odd.”. I think there are a few reasons for that, and here is why I think I dream less.

1) I sleep weird. Apparently you only dream after a few hours of solid sleep, and its pretty rare that I will sleep a solid 8 hours. My sleeping pattern for the night is getting off to sleep around 1 or 2am and waking around 9am-12pm. In that time I don’t sleep straight, I wake up for various reasons. Usually I’m too hot, too cold, I can’t breathe properly, I think even my snoring sometimes wakes me. Often I need the toilet, which is a fair reason for a normal person to be woken up I suppose, but all I can do about it is piss the bed. I often eat during the night too. I wake up sometimes with a growling stomach. When I’m sleeping is probably the only time I’m not eating for more than an hour, and so after a few hours of sleep my guts are just having fits of hunger and that can wake me up too. I don’t eat big during the night, a pack of cookies, some crisps, leftover Chinese or pizza, whatever is easily to hand and I will eat it. Thirst is a big one too, I can wake up and drink a litre of fizzy drink in a few gulps if it’s a hot night. And I have lots of naps during the daytime too when I’m resting off heavy meals I quite often drift off after eating.

2) I don’t do anything while I’m awake. I used to dream a lot about things like school, work, new jobs, change, when things changed that they would go back to how they used to be, things like that. Since I became this lifeless blob there has been nothing to worry or drive me and I think those things fuelled my dreams before.

3) I’m stupider than I used to be. I used to have a lot going on up in my brain. It may not have seemed like it to people reading this shit but I used to actually use my head. I didn’t do well in my GCSEs for various reasons and never went on to do higher education but I was smart. The closest I come to using my brain these days is playing videogames and I don’t even challenge myself on them. Playing at this distance from the TV (a few feet away from the end of the bed) I only game casually for a few minutes/hours at a time and when I feel like I have to concentrate I just give up.

4) I’m bored. That’s pretty obvious. I’m so bored I feel like I could literally chew my fingers off out of frustration.

5) I haven’t had sex in 4 years since my last boyfriend left me and I haven’t come in about 3 years since I was last able to reach my vagina. Lots of my dreams used to involve sex, or something erotic that was leading up to sex. I used to wake up feeling horny sometimes and have to finish myself off before I got up. I remember one time waking up at school dripping wet between my legs, I don’t even know what I was dreaming about, but I had to go straight to the shower to finish myself. With a total lack of any kind of sex life and only a heart crushing sense of frustration whenever I do get horny, any and all dreams of this kind seem to either be forgotten immediately or not happen at all.

So anyway, the other night, I had a dream. It was neither pleasant or unpleasant, it was just weird.

I haven’t really been able to walk in about 4 years, but I was walking through an orchard. I was looking at the apples and pears hanging from the trees and walking further and further into the orchard which went on for as far as I could tell. Then I started talking with a caterpillar which was on an apple and it warned me that the spiders would be after me if they saw me looking at their apples. They were only little spiders but they started to appear out of nowhere, webs blocking my path and driving me forward and they made me kind of scared so I started trying to run but I could only shuffle along. Then I realised how fat I was and that it was weighing me down and stopping me from getting away. I kept going and eventually the orchard turned into a wasteland, like when they knock stuff down to make way for new houses and stuff. Then I see a people carrier and Jess is in it who I haven’t seen in years and haven’t even spoken to in nearly as long. She is ushering me into the car but there is only one seat in the back in the middle and I have to sit there as she gets in and speeds away. She said the world is ending and we needed to get to somewhere safe but on the way we got stuck in traffic and we just abandoned the car and ended up in a Burger King where I ate and ate and ate (because in real life I was starving hungry, I often dream eat haha) and she told me she has missed me and she came to find me.

I don’t remember anything else but during the next day I sent her a message on Facebook saying Hi (that was literally it, I didn’t say by the way I had a weird dream about you). I haven’t heard back yet but it made me want to get back in touch.

It also made me think a bit about what it meant.

I think it was saying I’m driven away from being healthy (fruits) by my fears (spiders) and they drive me to the wastelands (being big and lazy) and that inevitably leads me to more food. And that it reminded me that I had an old life before I became a blob and those people are still there and are still my friends. And maybe my fears are that I’m scared to change, scared to go back to being normal, scared of what I will do with my life if I could leave my bed, leave the house, go to work, drive a car . . . I’m so useless now and have been for so long that I wonder if I can ever do anything again.

But anyway, that was my dream and that was that.

I saw Sarah too. Not in my dream, in real life. I got her to bring over KFC and Krispy Kremes. I paid her for it, but I asked for fucking loads. I even asked for 2 packs of 12 donuts because I wanted to see if I could eat 24. Its been a while since I have, but I put them aside for when she had left. We talked and chatted about all sorts and I ate so much I ended up feeling properly sick. I was so glad to see her eating so well too, she ate a LOT! Since she got with her new guy she hasn’t cared about her size at all and she has just ballooned. She is the biggest she’s ever been and is wearing a size 28-30. Her sex life makes me so jealous, apparently she gives him blowjobs all the time, even in the bathroom of a nightclub a while ago. He loves her soft curves and her boobs (they are huge, 44F) and he made it clear that she didn’t have to worry about her weight after a night when they went to the cinema and he fondled her in the back in the dark. He couldn’t get between her legs because the seats have armrests and they squished her legs together, but she got so turned on that they had sex for hours that night and he made her orgasm twice. By the sounds of it he isn’t a feeder. Maybe an FA, but most likely he is just a good guy who knows a good girl when he sees one and isn’t interested in her weight. They fuck about 3 times a week and they don’t even live together. She has put on weight and she thinks most of it is from the drinking. When they’re together she drinks cider and lager and goes through several pints a night. For a change though she doesn’t care because her man doesn’t care and I just really, really hope they don’t break up because if they do she’s going to be devastated and she’s probably going to hate herself.

I couldn’t be more jealous of the sex though. I told her how I’m gagging for a good seeing to and we reminisced about how easy it used to be for us to go out and find someone to get laid with. Well, for her it was easier haha! But I did have some luck. She knows about some of the guys I used to chat to online and Steve but I told her I’m still scared of getting with a feeder in case I end up how I did before.

Anyway, when she left I had my dinner of sausages, chips and beans and for my dessert I began wolfing down the donuts. I struggled, not because I got too full, but because they’re so creamy and sugary. I was starting to feel weird and begin to shake slightly by the time I got on to the second box, and then I was starting to really feel queasy. I got to a point where there was 5 left and I just stopped and said to myself “no more”. I washed them down with some Dr Pepper and then felt better a few minutes later so foolishly forced them all down really fast. I sat there feeling sick for a few minutes taking sips of Dr P when suddenly my body sort of spasmed and I threw up all down my front. I was only sick the once but it was quite a lot and I felt horrible afterwards.

I have been pushing myself with food ever since, trying to find out my limits. Last night I was sick on Indian food, having god knows how much Korma, rice and chicken tikka and 4 naan breads, I was so sick I filled a few inches of my bucket. Today I have been much the same and I’m currently sickeningly full of pasta. Supper time is coming up so I’m going to have to go or I will smother my laptop in grease.

Love love! Ali xXx

Septemeber '13

Hi All, As usual it’s been fucking ages, so I have no idea what to write about first, so forgive me if this is all a bit random. And sorry in advance for spelling mistakes and grammer, I’m pretty tired haha :P I am still in the same room and I still haven’t been off the bed. When I realised it was over a year I think I cried myself to sleep for about week. It was my 25th birthday this year and I didn’t even celebrate it. I was too depressed and I didn’t want to acknowledge that I’ve now been immobile/practically immobile for over 3 years now. In that time I’ve literally done nothing with my life, I felt like I may as well have died at 22 because I’m just existing in this room, so I was just on a really big downer from the time I last updated until about now. To make matters worse, I developed a chest infection during the summer when it was really hot and muggy and I was in hell for about a week. According to my doctor it was only a bit worse than a cold, but at my size everything is worse and I felt like I was dying. I struggled for air and I didn’t even have the energy to roll over so my aunt could clean me for about 4 days, so I was in a terrible state. By the time I could work up the strength to get on my side there was so much mess under me that it took her an hour to clean it up. The only good thing was I was just eating bread and soup for about a week and I lost a ton of weight. The summer was horrific anyway, I was so hot I felt like I would die and I was drinking around 6 cans of Monster a day. I was probably drinking a 2l bottle of fizzy pop a day too, plus a few pints of water, and I felt like I was sweating the lot. My sheets were pretty gross and soaked most of the time and my folds had a kind of grey sludge in them, which I think is sweat and dead skin. Pretty fucking grim. I got a lot of migraines too, and I know the sugar probably wasn’t helping, but the heat does make me feel a lot worse. The only benefit to migraines is I can’t eat much, no matter how hungry I get, so that and the chest infection probably curbed my weight gain from being as bad as it would have been otherwise. Whatever I lost, I’m guessing was about 4-5 stone, I have probably put back on since then. When I realised how deflated I was (though, probably a lot of that had to do with no longer being bloated and a lot of retained water passing through my system), my aunt and I tried to see if I could get up. I couldn’t even get my legs down off the bed. It’s like all the muscle has just faded away and it felt like trying to lift a ton with a numb leg. I was panting and getting faint so we stopped. When I roll over, I do most of the work with my arms, pulling on the other side of the bed and my aunt rolls my left leg onto my right as I go over. I hadn’t realised how little effort I put into it, but it seems my legs are now totally useless. I definitely feel bigger again and I’m probably back to my biggest. I haven’t seen my doctor since I had the infection so I can’t wait to hear what she says. Not. When I started to feel better I got back to bingeing, and I still haven’t stopped, but my diet has changed quite a bit. I was having really bad diarrhoea, I couldn’t hold it in and I was having to keep the doors closed all day because of it, but since I made some changes it’s gotten better. Instead of rice pudding, I now fill up on bread. I have a lot of sandwiches, mostly things like peanut butter, nutella, jam etc, but I also use up anything that’s left in the fridge, like ham or roast chicken or whatever. I also had terrible stomach cramps and just a general bloated ache in my guts that never went away, well that’s a lot better now since I cut back on the amount of meat I eat. I still eat a lot, but I generally don’t have meat every meal now. Sometimes I will just have a pasta or a vegetable pizza and I have felt a lot better. I have been having less energy drinks too, because during the summer I was feeling really weird, like I was always getting dizzy and I felt short of breath and like my heart was racing when it shouldn’t be. I’m sleeping a lot better too, I think because of cutting back on the drinks, and I’m back to about 12 hours straight every night. I also had to change my drinking habits. When I was depressed I got through a bottle of JD or Morgans in a night. I don’t remember those nights, but apparently I was rude, argumentative, I cried a lot and I even shat the bed once to make my aunt leave. When she told me about the last one I couldn’t apologise enough. I don’t know why we were arguing but she is so fucking good to me and I would never be rude to her on purpose, so I have tried not to drink as much. I’ve gone back to drinking beer instead of spirits, and I only drink every other night now. Usually with beer I drink 4-8 cans and I’m fine, I get tired and bloated and just want to go to sleep, so she is happy for me to be drinking them instead. Because I was depressed and drinking myself into a stupor, Vicky didn’t really see me much. She seems to be my only good friend at the moment apart from my aunt and I missed her loads. I didn’t see her most of the summer but she came over a couple of weekends ago and we had a girls night in as we usually do. We watched the Hobbit, drank a couple of bottles of rose, ate £73 worth of Chinese food, had 24 krispy kremes between us and just chatted shit until we fell asleep. Her mum has been really worried about her weight because she got really bad in the summer and barely moved for weeks. She tried to get her on a scale but it maxed out at 28 stone and she was well over it. Eventually she got another scale and weighed her on both (apparently after a lot of badgering) and found she weighed 42 stone 3 pounds this summer. She’s been to the doctors with her snoring and waking up all night and she was diagnosed with sleep apnoea. She isn’t on oxygen but she wears a thing to hold her nose open and stop her snoring as bad and she has to sleep on her side in a certain way to be safe. She also has high blood pressure and her doctor checks her regularly now since she was also told she is very likely to develop diabetes with her weight and diet. She still isn’t working, but given her size I doubt she could do many jobs. She is still able to walk and even get up and down the stairs, even though it’s a huge effort, she used to do the asda run with her mum once or twice a week, but now mostly she just sits in her room because she’s ashamed to go outside. She can drive still, so she’s not as bad as I was, though she only gets into the Astra now. As an incentive to lose some weight her mum has told her that every stone she loses and keeps off she will get £100. She wants her down to 12 stone and that’s a potential £3,000 (where she would get that from, I don’t know, but obviously she isn’t actually expecting Vicky to lose that much weight). She lost 4 stone easily just because she stopped gorging herself every waking minute, but since August her weight has stayed the same. It fluctuates quite a bit but the deal is she has to keep a whole stone off for a whole week and she hasn’t managed any more since August. She is on a diet at home but I allow her to use my card so she buys herself junk and ruins her mum’s efforts. I don’t want her to end up like me, but I can’t stand the idea of her being denied food. I know how horrible it was for me and I think she feels the same. Vicky is still seeing her boyfriend and they still haven’t done anything in the bedroom. This must be a record, two young people going out for almost a year and neither of them has made a move. I can’t imagine how she isn’t gagging for it, having never had an orgasm, but then I figured maybe you can’t miss what you never had. I on the other hand sometimes break into tears of frustration when I need to pleasure myself. I haven’t had anything in my pussy for years now and thinking about it actually gives me heartache :( Given the way he behaves around her, from what I hear, bearing in mind I haven’t met the guy, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s gay. He seems to have no attraction to her at all and doesn’t mind when they only hang out once or twice a month. He isn’t bothered that she got huge or that she’s started losing weight and when they do hang out it seems they just watch TV. I don’t know what to make of it, but she’s happy so, whatever. Kate came over in August when we had a BBQ (one of many, I might add) and she was showing off her svelte new figure. She had the band fitted in November and she was down to 12 stone (ish) when I saw her. She had a really nice floral dress on and I could make out a shape on her which last time I saw her was just round. She was talking to me about getting it done while I was wolfing down a plate of 4 burgers and I just kept winding her up, pointing out that if I had it done I wouldn’t be able to eat so much yummy meat haha! She hates that she can’t eat properly anymore, and its really hard on her seeing us all gorge ourselves all the time when she knows she can’t. She also has lots of loose skin and she hates it. Her arms wobble like crazy and she wears cardigans even when it’s hot so she can cover them up. She might get a skin removal and a tummy tuck if she can’t tone it up but that costs a lot so she might have to wait a while. She is apparently struggling to lose any more but that’s probably because of the skin, so she might get to the weight she wants to be when its done. She said if she can just be a size 10-12 she’ll be happy. I see my mum quite often, she has been over to see me and she sits and chats with me for a while. She is still keen on me coming home, but the fact is she couldn’t care for me if I did. I don’t know how I would move anyway. I can get out of the door since it’s been changed, but I doubt even if I was walking or in the wheelchair I’d be able to get out of the front door and into a car. Maybe the patio door and maybe the back of a transit, but I certainly wouldn’t go through all that. Even if I got home I could never get upstairs, so they’d have to turn the dining room into a bedroom or something. Its not even worth thinking about lol. Oh I got GTA V, I had to order it and it arrived late but I started playing it and it was as awesome as I expected. For a few hours a day I can forget about the real world and have fun in Los Santos lol! It hasn’t left the xbox drive since I got it. I don’t like getting my aunt to change the discs anyway, she gets confused about what boxes they go in :P she never had anything like an xbox, when she was my age she had a job and looked after screaming kids :P (like me, haha!). At least my xbox helps keep my mind from rotting. I feel so bored just staring at the same walls all day it just adds to my depression. I feel like I’m in prison sometimes, I can’t go anywhere at all. It makes me think about how I’m missing out on life. If I hadn’t gotten this fat I could have had a life, a job, friends, social life, holidays . . . I could go down the pub rather than drink alone. I could buy (and wear) clothes and I could pleasure myself every night. I could go to the beach and get a sun tan. I could go for walks and not have my joints ache all day. Sigh . . . it’s better when I don’t think about it. Today I have been a bit of a pig. I woke up early(ish) at about 9 and had 8 waffles and 12 pancakes (all readymade and microwaved/toasted), 4 pop tarts and 2 bowls of krave. After my wash and change of pad I had a brunch of toast, 3 scrambled eggs and 4 sausages and 2 chocolate croissants. I played GTA for a while eating Pringles and chocolates until lunch when I had 2 rustlers cheeseburgers with oven chips and a selection of 8 cream cakes. I was still really hungry when I finished so my aunt did me an oven pizza. By the time it came out I’d filled up on crisps and cookies but I was hungry enough to finish it. I snacked again and had dinner at about 4, we had spaghetti and meatballs (I had 3 platefuls) with garlic bread (two whole baguettes for me) and I was so stuffed I almost puked. That didn’t stop me putting away a whole Victoria sponge and a tub of chunky monkey right after though. I’m so full right now that I can barely eat the oreos I just opened. Later tonight I have plans on Indian takeaway and there is a cheesecake in the fridge with my name on it ;) I don’t know what else I might get through. I have had a whole 2l fanta today and I’ve just opened a coke, so I might finish that. And there are loads of chocolates next to the bed like revels and malteasers, they will probably go. Not to mention the Halloween tub of haribo that I have been munching today. I’m allowed my booze today too so I will get my cans of fosters if I promise to behave myself :P I don’t know how much longer I can keep eating and living like this before it kills me, but I’m too weak to stop now. In fact, if it was to kill me tomorrow, I don’t think I could stop myself eating everything I have planned tonight to save my life. I’m that fucking weak. Sometimes I feel like I would love to try and gain more, but my body is starting to really give up, every time I put weight on I seem to lose it because I’m always getting sick. I feel stuck in a limbo between being record breakingly big and light enough to stand up. I often wonder how much weight I’d need to lose to walk again, but given how my legs have wasted, I don’t know if I ever will. I can hardly move them at all. I could probably get back into the wheelchair if I could slim back down to 45 stone or so, but even then I’d be housebound. I may even be 45 stone now, I have no idea really, I just know I can hardly move, but as I get more and more unfit, the weight at which I can move myself gets lower and lower. I think I may just have to accept that I’m now disabled for life because of my gluttony. While I was typing this I got thinking about Sarah and I text her, and she just got back to me. She has agreed to come over tomorrow night! :D I’m so happy! I asked her to get KFC and she is fine with that. It’ll just be her, her boyfriend is working so I don’t get to meet him yet but apparently he is happy to come meet me if I don’t mind him coming (which I don’t). I haven’t seen her in ages so I’m really looking forward to it! I may write about it if I get time, but I’m going to go now and watch the Simpsons and have a donut or 5 ;) Laters all! xXx

Feb '13

Hi all, Well, another couple of months have passed and for me it’s been another couple of months of staring at the TV like a zombie and stuffing my fat face. I’ve been freezing cold too. I have 2 outside walls on my room and it’s been so cold that even with an extra electric heater in here the walls are getting condensation and the window has been literally dripping so much that there are towels on the windowsill to soak it up. I keep warm with a double duvet over the lower half of me and a fur throw over my shoulders, but I still get quite cold at times. Worst is if I wake up in the night and the heater isn’t on, its so hard to get back to sleep. Mainly I’ve been keeping myself busy playing GTA IV, since I saw a trailer for V and I got all in the mood for gaming again. I haven’t seen anyone except my aunt since just after xmas, which really sucks. Vicky hasn’t been well and has stayed home a lot apparently so she hasn’t been over. Mum keeps saying she’s going to come but I haven’t seen her yet either. Something gross happened a couple of days ago, one of my hips just randomly split open when I was shuffling onto my side so my aunt could wash me and change the sheets. I can’t see or feel the skin on my back and bottom, but I can see on my sides and it’s dry, dead, yellowish skin, like you get on your feet, and it’s the same only worse behind where I can’t get to it. As I was rolling over it just split open and seeped fluid for hours, I was soaking it up with tea towels, it was horrible. The fluid was like runny cooking oil. It hurt a lot at first but now it’s just a bit sore. I have some dressings left over from an infection I had last year, so we used those and it’s healing I think. I don’t think I’ve gotten much fatter. I wasn’t well for a couple of weeks last month, I had flu and was vomming up every 15 minutes so I went almost 2 days without eating, that’s the longest in a fucking long time! I was so hungry but I couldn’t keep anything down, so ended up the day after on a ration of soup and bread. I got back to my usual diet after that and I’ve been more or less eating slightly more every day since, naughtily coaxing my aunt into bigger portions and extra snacks haha :P My aunt shops at a cash and carry, and she was saying to me, because I eat so many sweets, that she could probably save money if she just brought them in bulk. I didn’t realise that you could, but she can get the sweets in big tubs like you get from pick and mix, so I was like ‘I MUST HAVE!’ and she got me loads of flying saucers, space pencils, haribo and sherbet. I also drink lots of energy drinks so she’s getting those by the case for me too, but that’s only heightened my addiction lol :P I now drink about 5-6 cans of relentless a day. Fuck knows how many I’ll be downing when it starts getting warm again. I haven’t even drank coke in a while, seems like all my fluids are energy drinks now. All the sugar has made my gums hurt a little, but they are fine when I clean my teeth. Not sure what I’ll do if I need them filled or plucked out, haven’t seen a dentist in ages. Probably need fillings anyway. I love the sweets because even when I’m really full I can just pick at them until my next meal and they don’t spoil my appetite. I’ve gone through half a tub of haribo and half a box of space pencils so far today alone, so that might give you some idea of how much I get through every week. Because Vicky hasn’t been over with any McDs or KFC for a while now, I’ve been allowed extra takeaways. Usually it’s ‘you can’t have any because you pigged out already today’, but since I’ve been so lonely and haven’t had my fix I’ve been pretty down, so my aunt has been letting me get whatever I want. Last night I had a half duck, satay chicken, seaweed, prawn toast, sweet and sour chicken balls, kung po king prawns, crispy chilli chicken, mixed meat chow mien, chicken fried rice, chips, curry sauce and a bottle of sauvignon blanc all to myself. It took ages to eat and I was just stuuuuufed after, I struggled to breathe for a while. We got it late, so I didn’t finish eating until gone 1am, and my aunt was in bed, so I had to get my own dessert, and since all I had in reach was rice pudding, I ate 2 tins of that before falling asleep. It was pancake day a while back, and, while I haven’t mentioned this, I’ve been texting Steve for few weeks now. Well, it was when I was sick, I got all melodramatic and thought I was going to die and he was helpful, but anyway . . . He text me in the morning, reminding me it was pancake day and asking how many I thought I was going to eat. I hadn’t given it any thought and I woke up about 12 so it was late by the time I got the message. My aunt asked what I wanted for breakfast and she said pancakes would be fine. I asked if she could do double the batter because I was feeling really hungry and she sighed and agreed. She’s so awesome, I know. I counted 19 pancakes in the first batch and I went through loads of sugar, lemon juice and maple syrup with them. When I was finished she took my plate and I asked for more she was like ‘how are you not full?’ and I just shrugged and said I loved them so much, I just wanted a few more. She made another 9 and I just wolfed them down too, but by the end I’d had so much sugar that I was getting a headache and feeling a bit funny so I stopped. I’d gone through an entire bottle of syrup too, which was probably a bad sign. So I was able to tell Steve 28 pancakes and he just laughed. Today was a pretty standard day. I was up early at about 9 because of the cold and called my aunt to put the heater on. I’d wet myself in the night too but I didn’t have the energy to roll over so I told her to leave it until the evening. Unfortunately that meant I had to have the doors shut all day, but it didn’t bother me much because there was no-one else here. She gave me a bowl of frosties and I asked for a fry up, so she made me 4 sausages, 4 rashers of bacon, 2 scrambled eggs, 4 pieces of fried bread and baked beans, then after that I had 2 buttered croissants, 2 pan au chocolate and 12 slices of white toast with butter and jam. For lunch at 12ish I had 2 oven pizzas, a tray of oven chips with mayo and a side salad followed by a tescos own chocolate trifle and 4 cream cakes. I munched through loads of crisps and chocolate bars for a while until it was time for dinner at about 5 when I had a 4 enchiladas and 4 tacos with loads of cheese and chilli. That gave me quite a bellyache so I had lots of ice cream afterwards, going through two tubs of ben and jerrys. Since then I’ve been snacking on cookies and donuts nonstop. My belly still aches a little but it’s getting better. It’s very noisy, I can hear it over the TV gurgling away. I suppose it would help if I let it rest for an hour or so but as long as I can reach the food I just can’t help myself from eating it. My throat just feels weird if I’m not swallowing. I’ll be going to sleep soon. It smells pretty bad in here and I’ve been going to the toilet all day, so my pads are soaked and there’s shit everywhere, I need my aunt to come change me. After she’s done that I’m probably going to have as many tins of rice pudding as I can before I get too full, then try to sleep. It’s probably to do with the relentless, but I’ve had trouble sleeping lately, so despite my efforts, I’ll likely be up until the early hours, and that will inevitably mean snackage, so I’ll probably power through some crisps, sweets and chocolate before the morning. Anyway, I’m gonna go :P night all! loves loves loves! Ali xXx-xXx-xXx