Tuesday, May 30, 2006

My New Job

Hi all,

Sorry I haven't updated my blog in so long, I've been both depressed and busy.

First off I'm not 22 stone anymore, I'm 21 stone 3 pounds (I think, give or take a pound), but while I wasn't posting I was chatting to a few freinds on e-mail and someone sent me this. They worked out how much I was gaining and when. I thought it was really good and worth putting up here.

01-06-2005            196 lbs
15-11-2005 225 lbs a gain of 29 lbs in 168 days,
which comes to 0,17 lbs per day
25-02-2006 253 lbs a gain of 28 lbs in 102 days,
which comes to 0,27 lbs per day
18-04-2006 297 lbs a gain of 44 lbs in 52 days,
which comes to 0,85 lbs per day
01-05-2006 315 lbs a gain of 18 lbs in 13 days,
which comes to 1,38 lbs per day
10-05-2006 326 lbs a gain of 11 lbs in 9 days,
which comes to 1,22 lbs per day
However I'm trying to loose weight now, and this is how I've done it.

I took a look at myself, I realised I'm unhappy because I'm so freakishly big and I thought about what was making me so big. Obviously the massive amounts of food I get through, but I've tried just not eating, its not that simple, I loose self control and eat anyway. So I realised that I don't get so hungry when I'm playing games, and I figured it was just that my mind's occupied with something, so I don't think about eating. But I can't play games all day, I just get bored, so I got a job.

My mum was so pleased with me for finnally getting up and doing something, especially after coming so close to becoming her size (which it turns out she was noticing :S). I don't want to mention where I'm working, the last thing I want is some local nut case who reads this to go out and try and find the fattest girl in the store called Alison :P but it's just a counter job and that's all I'm saying :D. It's really easy, I get to sit most of the day and all I have to do is scan what someone buys, press a couple of buttons on the till and take the money and give the change. I've never been great at maths but the till does it for me so that's a relief :P

I was worried I wouldn't get the job, I mean it was my first proper job interview and I was nervous and sweaty and I swear I passed gas a few dozen times :S something I tend to do after a curry :D lol. But anyway I got the job since I was the most trustworthy out of all the people they interviewed. The others, I'm told, were 2 goths, a guy who turned up drunk and some guy who would have got it but he'd been fired from his last job. I guess I was lucky on that one, but I get about 30 hours a week at £5.85 an hour (tax deductable >:X) and as a bonus I get a discount in the store.

So now I'm loaded with my own cash instead of my parents and that feels brilliant. I know probably nearly all of you make your own money, just to have the internet to be able to read this, but for me this is the first time I've ever made real money before and it feels really good.

I realised I'd not seen Sue or Sarah for a long time but I've started going out with them again. Sarah's lost weight, she's about 12 stone again now. She puts on weight really easily but she can loose it easily too, except she gets down to about 12 and it won't shift again :P but she's tiny compared with me now. Sue's still the same old Sue, but without me 'holding her back' as she put it she's been going a little wild out clubbing and slept with this guy without protection and she didn't even get his number :S and she got worried she was pregnant, but luckily she was just paranoid :P lol. And luckily she didn't catch anything either.

We've been going out for drinks again and I'm squeezing into some of my old tarty clothes :P but I'm not looking to find anyone. It's not that I don't want someone, sometimes I feel so horny I have to use a vibrator and mess up my sheets. It's just that even if I meet someone who seems really great, I can't know if he's going to dump me when he's done with me, and by then I might have feelings for him, so then I'll be upset and I'll dive for the fridge and I'll be 30 stone before you can say "fucking told you so". So I'm just going out to have fun.

Anyway that's about it, I'll update when I get the chance. And sorry to those of you who haven't had a reply, I've just been busy and not felt like writing so some of them haven't even been read, sorry :S, but e-mail me if you want. If I can I'll reply.

Hugs and XX's

Ali

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Food Addiction

I was watching this thing about obese people with food addiction the other night, and I realised I'm addicted too. I was stuffing my face with donuts the entire hour, I think I ate 5 and a big bag of m&m's. I'd been full all day like normal, just eating and eating and I realised I've not gone out in ages. I've just stayed home eating, apart from a couple of trips to the shop (one of which I took a fucking taxi!) since the chinese place when I puked.

I weighed myself tonight, 23 stone 3 pounds. I'm so fucking huge now and I've been growing so fast! At this rate I'll be what, 30 stone by summer?? It doesn't even sound real does it, and I bet some of you think I'm lying. I was just 14 stone last year, now I'm nearly 24. I'm almost the size of my fucking mother! I'm nearly house bound! Nearly none of my clothes fit, I don't go out and I can't stop fucking eating! I can't stop forcing food down my throat! Even when I'm so full I'm sick I keep eating. I need help but I don't have any idea who to turn to. As soon as my mum finds out I'm nearly 24 stone (although its amazing she still thinks I'm 19) she's going to kill me, my doctor can't really do much, a psychatrist is too expensive and I can't help myself.

I thought I might have had the will power to stop eating but I can't, I just can't do it on my own. I rationally thought last night, I was eating a pack of eclairs and my stomach was starting to hurt, they were beginning to taste bad and my jaw was starting to ache. I had two left and I said to myself, don't eat those, put them in the pack, put it under your bed and just stop right now. I did it and watched TV. Then I started to feel wierd, I felt like crying and I felt like I was, well I don't know. I just felt like they had to be eaten. I started to feel hungry and lusted for the taste of the cream and chocolate, even though a moment ago the taste in my mouth was sour and my belly ached.

I pulled rolled over and squshed my stomach, which made it hurt again, and pulled them out. I suddenly realised that my belly has gotten huge. Rather than just touch down on my bed it spills right out and goes way further than my breasts. Which I feel like I ought to mention, are no longer the only body parts I'm almost happy with. They're now saggy and just rest flatly on my stomach or fall down under my arms, and I can't see my nipples without holding my tits up a little and looking in the mirror. It's so upsetting to see my body so hugely overweight.

Anyway I practically just swallowed the fucking eclairs and my stomach started aching again. Then I waddled downstairs, made 4 peanut butter and chocolate spread sandwiches, a pint of milk, a chocolate gauto cake (a whole one, it's meant to serve 6!) and a 2 litre bottle of dr pepper. I ate the sandwichs first, then the cake. My stomach hurt so much I started crying to myself. I started because I was so sad actually, sad that I was eating and I couldn't stop, then the pain just got so bad I began crying about that. I kept going and going until I'd finished the whole cake, then laid on my side rubbing my belly. I was so full, I was trying not to puke. I kept swallowing and my breathing was difficult because I didn't want to be sick. I got hiccups after a few minutes and the short sharp jolts of pain to my stomach made me cry even more. That's how I fell asleep.

Anyway after watching that program I just really want to do something before it's too late and I end up disabled in bed for the rest of my miserable fucking life! I don't care that I'm fat, I can deal with being sneered at in the street and never having a totally normal life, but I can't cope with lying in a stinky bed all day pissing and shitting down a funnel and slowly killing myself with junk food as I numb my mind with daytime TV.

The good news for you guys is if I ever get that big I'd probably want a feeder to look after me. They'd have to be a feeder I suppose just to put up with my constant demand for food. I wouldn't want some care-worker or my mum to look after me, that would be so horrible.

Anyway that's all I have to say for now, sorry for the lack of updates, I'm just really down at the minute.

Bubi for now, hugs and xx's

Ali

Monday, May 01, 2006

22 Stone :-O

I can't fucking believe it!!! I've tried so fucking hard not to gain and I've denied myself so much food, but I got on the new scales my mum brought from eBay, and what the fuck do I weigh?? 22 fucking stone and 5 fucking pounds!

It's so fucking stupid I just can't belive it! I've been eating healthily and eating less, I'm at around 4,000 calories a day so I can't believe I gained so much so fast! I kept a diary of what I ate yesterday and here it is:

Breakfast
4 weetabix
1 bowl crunchy nut cornflakes
4 pieces of toast

snack - 1 bag crisps, 1 snickers bar

lunch
pasta in sauce with sausages
2 slices of fudge cake
1 donut
1 eclair

snack - eclair

dinner - (just two helpings)
roast beef
roast potatoes
cabbage
broccoli
carrots
banana custard

snack - chocolate mousse, pack of busciuts

supper
bacon sandwich
banana custard

And then I realised I've still been eating a lot. A lot less than usual yes, but still more than some people are lucky to get in a fucking month. I wonder if I should go try and live in Ethiopia for a few years, some of them have probably never seen someone my size before, they might think I was a cow and eat me! But I'd probably go mad with starvation after a couple of hours :P

Anyway I'm so pissed off with myself and I realised when I got dressed this morning that I could only get into two pairs of jogging bottoms and all my tops rode up over my belly, which is now so covered in stretch marks it's almost completely red! It's so fucking disgusting! So now I have to not only go downstairs and ask mum to buy me more clothes but I have to do it with my belly sticking out.

Even worse is that I'm getting sores around my vagina and on my lower back. The ones around my lower back are from my belts I think, my flab's folded over them for so long they've rubbed until the skin broke. But around my vagina is more of a mystery, I can't think what it might be, other than my jeans but they don't rub much. Well my legs rub together (and that's actually wearing my jeans away :P) but my skin doesn't rub so it's really confusing and worrying.

I'll keep you posted. Hugs and xx's

Ali