Spring in my step . . . lol

Hi all,

I'm feeling better, but I've been calling in sick to work. (Really hope no one from work finds this or I'm in shit, lol). I just don't want to go in. Its so tiring and I've been sweating into my shirt every day, I only have one and need to keep washing it. I'm sort of embaressed to ask for another. I asked for a new skirt a couple of months ago and it took so long to show up that it doesn't fit and I haven't worn it. Point is that with only 1 change of clothes, I fucking reek! I spend half my day in the walk in freezer just trying to cool down. I don't think I can handle a Plymouth summer. I want to quit, but last time I didn't have a job my mum had control over me and put me on that diet. I wanted it at the time but this time I sooooo don't! I love my size and I want to keep myself big, or bigger. Plus it was so much hard work loosing that weight, it wasn't just restricting my diet, it was also a hell of a lot of exercise, and I know that without the motiviation to do that, she might never let me eat properly again. At the moment so many people are loosing their jobs that I don't think I'd find another, especially not being fat, ugly and lazy with shit GCSEs.

I'm tempted to deliberatley break a condom and get myself pregnant. I could claim child benefit, I know a lot of girls in my school year who've done that and never worked a day in their lives. They're mostly fat and lazy, seems like the perfect career move. However I'm not that selfish, and it's only recently that I've even thought about kids. As a child I never played with dolls or pushchairs, I had one doll that drink milk from its bottle. I broke the bottle open with a hammer to see how it worked and twisted the doll's head off and lost it.

My period isn't as regular as it should be. I have random bleeding that doesn't really constitute a period one day, then a 2 month cycle with no bleeding and just one day of it being really heavy. I know it's screwed up. When I was put on my diet a couple of years ago my period was getting a little out of sync, but once I'd lost just a stone it was right back to normal. I'm sure I'm still fertile.

I wonder if I'll want kids when I'm older. When I'm 40 stone and barely able to have sex, let alone get pregnant, will I be wishing I'd had them when I was still younger? As I type this Henry is at work doing paperwork of some kind that he's been putting off. I've a needle to one side of me and a durex to the other, thinking thoughts that I really shouldn't be. I don't even like kids, the nastly little shit bags.

Anyway, sorry, I'm being melodramatic over bullshit so let's get back to the fun stuff. Last night I got Henry on the scales. I don't remember getting him on the scales before at all, but he agreed to it. Earlier in the day he was struggling to button his jeans and I said how sexy it was that he was getting so big. I called him Henry the Eighth, and 'the 8th' is my new little nickname for him lol. He admitted that he's put on weight, and that a few days ago he went to look under a range rover and got his shirt covered in oil and dirt because his belly was pressing against it lol. He works as a mechanic in case I didn't mention, I don't remember. He let me measure his waist, which at the widest part (going under his belly button and around his love handles) is a sexy 55 1/2 inches (a bit less than I thought it would be). I wobbled it and coaxed him onto my scales. He was shocked that he couldn't see the reading without leaning right over, and more shocked when it read 24 stone 9. I was so happy.

I told him how sexy I think it is and told him I really want to see him keep growing. He said he needs to cut down on fast food and loose a few stone but I just insisted that if he only wants to be with me then he shouldn't care what other people think, just what I think. He agreed to let me fatten his waist up to 60 inches and then he'd see what he wants to do. He's coming home tonight with pizza, I'm going to hand feed him. I'm so turned on just thinking about it. I want a force feeding sometime soon, and this time I WILL write about it for you. I can't ask tonight though because I want to get him so full that he can't move all night. I'll probably have to use my rabbit though if I get him that full. We'll see how it goes.

My aunty has arranged that meal she keeps going on about, for easter weekend. This easter is going to be amazing. I'll see lots of family I haven't seen in a long time, probably get lots of easter eggs because my aunt buys shitloads for everyone, let alone the other family members I might get one from. The meal will be huge, as is characteristic for mum's side of the family, I probably won't get any stick about my weight from mum because I'll be on the lighter side of the table. And to make things even better there's a new Red Dwarf episode on digital. Lol, I'm a geek.

My mum has joined Weight Watchers. She's boring me, it's all points this and points that. Never mind that she's let herself eat like a pig for most of her life. She keeps egging me to join but I won't. If I do she's paying and she'll get stares as I turn up to every meeting just a little bigger. I'm bigger than her now, I think she said she weighs 25 stone now. It's a strange thought, she's always been bigger than me.

Amiee's wasting away. It's depressing. I saw a photo of her on facebook from when she just left school and she looked so good. She was so filled out and plump, she must have been 18 stone. Now she keeps updating her status every now and then as 'has lost another 5 pounds' or something like that. I asked and she said she weighs 13 stone 8 now. She's tiny. I remember seeing her well fed rolls and getting turned on, now I just feel icky from seeing all the loose skin whenever she bares her belly. She's more confident though, even though she was confident before. And I can tell she's loving her body and the fact that stores cater for her size and that she can go out with her belly on show and not feel like she's morbidly obese. She's very flirty and seems to be going through a phase where she tries to bring a new boy home every night. Not always sucessfully, but still, she tries lol. She also drunkely told me a couple of weeks back that she's not using birth control. I was shocked, but she said she forgot the pill so many times that she's stopped taking it. She insists on using condoms for various reasons, but they can break. As I know, looking at mine and my pin lol. Her saying that was one of the things that got me thinking, but I'm trying not to think at all.

Sarah is being a pig. We were talking about fat and food online last night and she told me the diets out of the window, and in fact she's been having TWO meals every lunch time. She said one meal just doesn't fill her up any more, so she has a packed lunch and then goes to eat out in her lunch break. Its no wonder she's been piling on the pounds recently.

Anyway I'm going to go, hope you've enjoyed this seemingly extra long blog post. I'll keep up updated if I can. Bubi for now, Ali x x x x x x x x x x x