Febuary '14

Hi all,

Well, had a bit of a weird few weeks since I last wrote anything on here, and I’m bored tonight so I thought I may as well do an update. I know some of you are keen to hear what I’ve been up to :P

No big changes, I’m still in bed, still not getting any exercise, still eating loads, blah blah blah. I have however put on a considerable amount of weight ;)

If you read my last update you’ll know I was trying to gain more all over xmas and I still am putting away a shit ton of food every day.

I may as well start with xmas day since that’s my favourite time of year. It’s the second Christmas I have spent in bed and while the last one was a bit upsetting for that fact, I have stopped caring that I’m imprisoned in my fat now. Because I was in bed for the whole of it but didn’t want to be alone I fixed myself up a little with help from Vicky.

Vicky has been a saint and we have gotten even closer over the last few weeks and months. For starters, around the beginning of December, she practically moved in here. There’s no room for her but there was a spare single bed and there was room for it in my room so my aunt has let her stay here whenever she wants and she can stay comfortably, which at her size is a real plus. She hasn’t been here every night obviously but she has been here more often than not and it’s been great fun having her here. I feel so much better not being alone all day.

Because she is here and because it’s a lot of work for my aunt Vicky learned to help take care of me. Most of it is just common sense stuff and basically the only skill is not being grossed out, but as Vicky isn’t working she has time to help and it just made sense. She hasn’t taken over caring for me but the idea was that Xmas morning my aunt would be hyper busy cooking so it was better if Vicky did all my morning routine for me.

She stayed over on xmas eve, and xmas morning she woke up before me and shook me awake about 8. We were up late drinking and I was soooo tired and achey I just felt like death. I had a throbbing headache but she helped me sit up straight, got me a glass of water and got me my migraleve, the first but definitely not the last thing to pass my lips that morning haha. I was hungry as I usually am so she got me a bag of 5 custard donuts and 5 jam donuts to start with while she went to the toilet.

Oh, should point out because I forgot to, I came clean with Vicky about me wanting to put on weight. She didn’t actually think much of it, but I explained to her that I just want to make sure I never have to get on with life, basically, so I stay immobile. She was very supportive and has been an absolute blessing. It’s thanks to her that I have loads and loads of treats in my room like the donuts she got. Apparently she has cleared the shelves at sainsbury’s getting them for me haha ;) though she doesn’t usually buy too much fresh stuff at once, after all there is only so much I can put away before I explode.

I had the runs that morning so we had a real nightmare cleaning up. First of all Vicky had to use all her strength and mine to roll me onto my side. It took a good 4-5 minutes of rolling and rocking and panting and puffing, two fat girls having a tug of war basically :P my heart was killing me and I was gasping for air, my lungs are so useless now that I was on the verge of passing out a few times. I could feel my heart thud and feel it beat in my ears and head, it wasn’t nice, but I don’t often have to change the sheets. It was only the sheet on one side because I was so exhausted that I refused to shuffle over and do the other side too, but I had only wet one side so it didn’t really matter.

Vicky cleaned me quicker than my aunt but just as well, probably because it is still a bit weird and less routine for her. She talced my back, bum and thighs, changed all the pads and sheets and then helped me roll back over. I hadn’t had such chest pains since my little heart attack misadventure, so I was quite worried at the time, but as the tight and twisting pain cleared and I started to feel better I was able to get back to concentrating on the food. While she finished sponging me off I got through a 4 pack of double chocolate muffins ;) haha! I wouldn’t normally feel right eating while my aunt was cleaning me but since Vicky is helping me grow it seemed right.

Anyway, she helped me get my makeup on and got me a light breakfast (for me) of 4 pan au chocolate, 4 chocolate croissants and a 500ml tub of double cream with loads of chocolate syrup mixed in ;) to be honest I was getting sick of pastries and bread stuff and crying out for meat and protein but there was going to be sooooo much of that later that I was trying to pace myself so I’d have more room.

The family started wandering in about 10-12. They mostly came in to say hi to me before going into the living and dining rooms and Vicky stayed in with me. Vicky’s mum told her off (semi-jokingly) for pigging out with me. She was laid on her side on her bed and she just looks huge! Its amazing to see the difference the last couple of years have made to her body. Her belly spills out in front of her when she lays down, its so gorgeous! I’m not like gay for my cousin here you understand, but really jealous of how she is still a really nice shape while I’ve just become a gross blob of oddly sized rolls. We snacked lightly through the morning, went through a multipack of crisps, various chocolate bars, a tin of heros (yes a whole tin, and over xmas I had 4 tins of chocolates to myself anyway haha), some nuts, most of a tub of haribo and I drank another double cream because a) I can and b) I wanted to get rid of all the incriminating evidence in my room lol.

Now, there had been talk of this, but I hadn’t taken it too seriously because I didn’t think I’d be able to do it even if I hadn’t gained more weight over the few months prior to xmas, but my mum and my aunt both wanted me to try to get into the wheelchair and come to the table for dinner. I think the main problem with that is that my muscles are fucked. I have literally spent over year and a half in this bed hardly moving at all and I can’t even lift my arms above my head any more for more than a couple of seconds. So anyway, mum, auntie, Vicky and Kate were all there to help and after a lot of goading (which had been going on for a while over the days previous and this was the tip of the iceberg) they got me to ‘attempt’ to get into the chair.

Just sitting up has long been a challenge for me and takes me quite a while. I have to shuffle my arms up the bed and my back hurts like hell, cracking and creaking as I try, I feel as breathless as I ever have in my life, I sometimes and more recently have bad chest pains because of my heart thudding heavily away in my chest like I’m running some sort of bloody marathon and I fear I’m going to break my skin on my lower back, bum and thighs. It stings like hell and soaks my bed sheets in fluid and its so annoying when it happens. Thankfully with Vicky and mum’s help I managed to sit up straight, but then came the really difficult part L

While my aunt supported my back, my cousins pulled my legs over to the side. They were panting and grunting and I could feel my heart racing, even though I wasn’t doing anything, god knows how they felt, they were breathless after just a few moments. It took them a while of yanking and they had to stop for a few minutes, but eventually I was sideways on the bed. My aunt had sat back to back with me, she was giving me lots of encouragement but by that time I was really feeling it. Everything was going kind of faint and distant and my vision was blurry and dull, my heart felt like someone was holding it in their hand and squeezing it. It was like all the fat in my arteries had chosen to take this particular moment to harden around my heart and finish me off.

It was a weird feeling having my feet on the carpet, with so much pressure suddenly on my ankles. I was really finding it hard to breathe and my mum was getting worried because I kept kind of ‘stopping’ was how she put it. I just glazed over like I was hypnotized for a moment at a time but I don’t really recall. I know I kept closing my eyes because I was in agony and I was trying to mask that fact. They let me rest until I was feeling a bit better, then my mum and Vicky both took my wrists and tried to pull me up.

They tried so hard, bless them, but I didn’t even try. I was so exhausted that I simply couldn’t do it. I was honestly worried that I was going to have another heart attack, it felt so similar. Maybe not as bad as the first time but definitely bad. I didn’t want to take the risk, I gave it no effort at all. My arms ached and I could feel my back being pulled up and forward and I actually shouted from the pain a couple of times and after a few tries they decided it was best to give up and let me stay in bed.

The sweating ruined my makeup and we probably wasted the best part of an hour trying to get me to stand up, but it got it out the way and they know not to try again. Certainly not until I have lost weight, which I never intend to do. At least not smaller than I am now. Vicky and my aunt managed to lift my legs back onto the bed surprisingly easier than getting them off (maybe because I was kinda helping that way round and not the other) and I was soon back in bed with a white sheet over me.

Its been warmer lately because we’ve had the heaters on full so I only needed a sheet, however Vicky helped me into a black t-shirt. It didn’t even really cover my boobs but it looked a lot smarter than just the sheet on its own. For starters I didn’t have bare shoulders which must look kind of weird to people. I just realised how that must sound, someone walks in to find a young girl pinned to the bed by her own immense weight, flabby rolls spilling out everywhere and piles of food around her and the bare shoulders are the weird bit . . .

Anyway I don’t think I have worked up that much of an appetite in a long time, I ate like a fucking horse! I lost track to be honest, there were just plates and plates of roast turkey, I must have had a dozen or more pigs in blankets and I still wanted more, Vicky and I went through over a pint of gravy to ourselves, piles of potatotes, Yorkshire puds, cauliflower cheese had quite a bit of veg but nothing compared to the rest of what we ate. I actually wanted to be sick I’d eaten so much. I really over did it, I couldn’t even face the idea of pudding for about an hour.

I had a little nap after dinner, Vicky had been up and down most of the meal having some plates with me and some with the family, and she was knackered out on her bed watching the vicar of dibley when auntie came in with our pudding. Normally we would get a fairly decent sized one each but this was a monster. She left us with a tub of clotted cream and a tub of double cream and I just felt myself tingle at the prospect of putting that much fat into my bloated body. Vicky only wanted a quarter, she was so full already she couldn’t eat much more, so she encouraged me to finish it all. It looked massive and I was feeling pretty sick so I took aaaagggges to finish it all. There must have been 3-400ml of cream left and it was a 1kg tub of clotted cream which I managed to eat most of by myself. Oh and through dinner I drank a bottle and a half of merlot and was pretty tipsy by the time I’d finished the pudding.

I wanted to throw up for ages after, but I kept drinking and I can’t remember much of xmas night, sadly. We had a good time and I didn’t make too much of a tit of myself but I wish I hadn’t drank so much. I remember lots of leftovers but the details of what I ate are long gone to the ravages of my drink addled memory :P Boxing day was more of the same, so much eating and drinking that I actually was sick though, so kinda made a tit of myself boxing day night, but that’s not really me at my worst. To be honest I think the whole period up to and including new year was alcohol filled. Like, really way too alcohol filled.

For the weeks since xmas Vicky and I have basically been trying our best to fatten me up. She wasn’t here for a lot of last month but she’s been with me a lot, bringing me TONS of fast food. I’ve drunk cream almost every day, had enough chocolate to put down Battersea dogs home, drank several litres of fizzy drink every day . . . It’s a pretty sweet deal for her, I pay for our binges all she has to do is go get them haha ;) I honestly wouldn’t know where to begin explaining how much I have been eating, I think I will write a food diary one day soon to give you an idea.

Anyhow, a few days ago I got a visit from the doctor. She isn’t exactly being very nice with me lately because lets face it, I’m making her job harder, but she is still coming to see me quite regularly. She has told me before its not just because I cant get in to see her but because she fears I’m going to have another heart attack. She thinks its amazing I’m not already seriously ill. I’m on some medication but I have never really gone into it, talking about my bad health has always been a bit of a downer for me. I have pain killers for my general aches and pains, mostly she gives them to me for my back though. I have stuff to thin my blood to prevent clots, anti-depressants, cream for my sores and dead skin, pills to manage my blood pressure, quite often have antibiotics if I get ill or a sore gets infected, I have pills to help with my fluid retention, pills for my headaches, pills for my irritable bowel and even pills to help me lose weight, however they are just pilling up in the drawer, probably have enough to shit out my own liver if I wanted to.

Anyway that wasn’t what she came around for, she just wanted a friendly check up and to ask how I was doing. She took one look at me and told me I’d put on weight. I tried to seem upset but I felt like I was glowing inside. I only wish I knew what I weigh haha! She said I look like I have ‘grown significantly’ and she thinks I’m likely to die soon if I don’t start changing my diet and losing some weight. She said most people would take what happened to me as a warning but 2 years later I’m just shrugging it off like it never happened. She has no idea just how much I have been eating, I lied that I’m trying to stick to 2-3000 calories a day, which would see me losing weight gradually, but she knows that isn’t true. Vicky cleaned my room before she came over so there wasn’t any evidence laying around like usual. She wants to weigh me still but if I can’t/won’t stand up then she isn’t able to even if she brings a scale with her. She tried to scare me by saying she would just weigh me when I ended up back in the hospital soon.

Oh and we were talking so long that I actually took a shit while she was nattering on about my weight haha :P I didn’t mean to I just had the runs again and couldn’t hold it in. I was struggling for ages to hold it in because I didn’t want a smell when she got here and even though I tried to let it go slowly I made quite a bit of noise :P she didn’t say anything but I reckon she knew what I’d done ;) I’m such a fucking animal haha.

So yeah after a good solid hour of telling off, her taking my blood pressure and telling me its ‘way, waaaay too high’ and making me feel queasy by talking about all the pressure my heart is under, she left and I was allowed to recommence my gorging ;)

Tonight I’m alone again because Vicky is at home. She’s still about the same weight as she was before xmas, maybe a little more, probably not less haha ;) I have had two large dominos pizzas, a few boxes of sides, a tub of ben and jerrys and some dr pepper. Not to mention 3 cans of monster to keep me awake while I type this. I have eaten almost a whole tin of quality street while writing this too and I’m currently trying to drink my second 500ml tub of cream for the night. I get the feeling that the doctor may have been right about the heart attack because my chest has been killing me all night and been getting worse for days. I’m just a timebomb waiting to happen, but I need to keep this up and gain a bit more.

I’m getting so turned on by my expansion, I feel like my cunt is going to actually explode if I don’t get it seen to soon :S this has taken way longer than it should to write because I have been playing with my breasts and rubbing my fat all night, and its working me up so much that I actually feel like I could cry with frustration, but it feels so good to get this horny again. I haven’t felt like this in years.

I’m going to have to try to get to sleep, my chest is killing me and I feel like I could puke. Loving every second of it though so if you are going to tell me to lose weight then save yourself the time of commenting ;)

Love love love, Ali xXxXx