Hi all,

So, interesting week.

First of all I didn't go to Weight Watchers this week. I really didn't want to sit around for an hour and a half with a bunch of women who think fat is disgusting. My mum is angry with me for not going to my first proper meeting since she's paying. I might go to the next one just to please her.

Back home last week I saw myself in the mirror. I realised I have to step back further to see my whole body in my dress mirror as it's so narrow. I've lost my shape completley, my breasts are saggy and flabby and you can't see the nipples without moving them as they're touching my belly. My gut spills down over my thighs and my butt sticks out pretty far. My belly looks stretched, I have deep purple stretchmarks on the sides where it's pulled itself down and on my hips and on the underside of my flabby arms.

Friday my bike came and Saturday Henry put it up for me. I used it for 5 minutes, felt like I was going to have a heart attack, then came off it and stuffed my face with a 4 pack of double chocolate muffins.

Monday since I didn't go to Weight Watchers and wanted to know what I weigh I asked to see my docotor, and luckily got in that afternoon (I have an awesome doctor). She weighed me in at 32 stone 8 pounds (456 pounds). That's 2 stone in 2 months, another bad gain and it worried my doctor. She's never seen me get so big, she's always warned me that I'd end up getting bigger if I didn't change my lifestyle and she was right. We spoke about how I'm feeling, with my back pains and general lack of fitness (like I can't even walk around town much anymore, stairs are a no-no and I get seriously out of breath just having sex), my diet and my lifestyle. She even asked me whether I was taking any action and whether surgury had crossed my mind, but didn't reccomend it.

Yesterday I didn't go out until late, I spent the whole day on the sofa pigging out. I was bored, having watched every dvd I have and with nothing on TV I just zombified in front of daytime TV. I couldn't get full even though I ate a box of cereal, 2 oven pizzas, oven chips, several muffins, cream cakes, 4 bananas, 2 apples, loads of chocolate bars, donuts and half a tub of ice cream, plus whatever else I can't remember. I made myself a huge saucepan of pasta (it was probably 5 healthy sized servings) and sat eating the whole lot. I felt like I was going to burst, then Henry phoned saying he was coming over after work (this was probably about 4.30) asking if I wanted him to pick anything up.

I told him I'd binged all day and eaten all the goodies in the flat, so he went to Tesco to get a few more treats (or should that be necessities) for me. He said I'd have to stop eating so much because he wasn't saving any money this month, having spent nearly all his wages on me, but he knows I can't. He brought me back 2 big mac meals and a double cheeseburger. It was a little hard to eat it all since I was still bloated from all the pasta but I wanted it badly, my brain was crying out for something fatty and delicious lol.

I had to get up for the toilet and for the first time I was too heavy to get up by myself. I felt weak, my legs and back aching, my stomach bloated, I just couldn't get up. I tried rolling to one side, even rolling off but it was too hard and I just felt out of breath and sick from all the exhurtion. Henry laughed and helped me up and I tried to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal, and he took it like a joke, but to me it felt serious. I feel like I'm getting reculsive and it's giving me a pretty good idea of what I have in store if (or more likeley when) I become immobile.

I wanted to go out so Henry took me to the cinema. I wanted to look good but none of my jeans or skirts fit me so I went with the grey jogging bottoms I've worn recently. They're a size 32 but they've been stretched quite a lot, I know I'm bigger than that. I wear them over my belly button and they dig in a little which holds them up nicely. I had a black XXXL men's t-shirt on to cover my lack of shape (despite the fact that it hugged me) and wore my trainers, which are in need of replacing because I've worn them out quite a lot :S One of the worst things about getting so big is that it's so hard to get good clothes. I'll need to beg Henry to buy me some over the net.

We saw drag me to hell (it was really good, scared the shit out of me). I had a large popcorn, nachos, a hot dog, 3 scoops of b&j's and some malteasers. When we left I was starving and coaxed him into pizza. I got him to eat a large deep pan with the works and he got me the same with some wedges, dunkers and we both had plenty of dessert. I felt like the biggest girl in there, I know a few people stared at me. I heard some kids laughing at me too (or at least I feel like it was me).

I ate some snacks before bed and woke up this morning with a massive appetiete. I'm gonna go sort that out, I'll write again soon :)

Ali x x x x X X X X x x x x