Septemeber '13

Hi All, As usual it’s been fucking ages, so I have no idea what to write about first, so forgive me if this is all a bit random. And sorry in advance for spelling mistakes and grammer, I’m pretty tired haha :P I am still in the same room and I still haven’t been off the bed. When I realised it was over a year I think I cried myself to sleep for about week. It was my 25th birthday this year and I didn’t even celebrate it. I was too depressed and I didn’t want to acknowledge that I’ve now been immobile/practically immobile for over 3 years now. In that time I’ve literally done nothing with my life, I felt like I may as well have died at 22 because I’m just existing in this room, so I was just on a really big downer from the time I last updated until about now. To make matters worse, I developed a chest infection during the summer when it was really hot and muggy and I was in hell for about a week. According to my doctor it was only a bit worse than a cold, but at my size everything is worse and I felt like I was dying. I struggled for air and I didn’t even have the energy to roll over so my aunt could clean me for about 4 days, so I was in a terrible state. By the time I could work up the strength to get on my side there was so much mess under me that it took her an hour to clean it up. The only good thing was I was just eating bread and soup for about a week and I lost a ton of weight. The summer was horrific anyway, I was so hot I felt like I would die and I was drinking around 6 cans of Monster a day. I was probably drinking a 2l bottle of fizzy pop a day too, plus a few pints of water, and I felt like I was sweating the lot. My sheets were pretty gross and soaked most of the time and my folds had a kind of grey sludge in them, which I think is sweat and dead skin. Pretty fucking grim. I got a lot of migraines too, and I know the sugar probably wasn’t helping, but the heat does make me feel a lot worse. The only benefit to migraines is I can’t eat much, no matter how hungry I get, so that and the chest infection probably curbed my weight gain from being as bad as it would have been otherwise. Whatever I lost, I’m guessing was about 4-5 stone, I have probably put back on since then. When I realised how deflated I was (though, probably a lot of that had to do with no longer being bloated and a lot of retained water passing through my system), my aunt and I tried to see if I could get up. I couldn’t even get my legs down off the bed. It’s like all the muscle has just faded away and it felt like trying to lift a ton with a numb leg. I was panting and getting faint so we stopped. When I roll over, I do most of the work with my arms, pulling on the other side of the bed and my aunt rolls my left leg onto my right as I go over. I hadn’t realised how little effort I put into it, but it seems my legs are now totally useless. I definitely feel bigger again and I’m probably back to my biggest. I haven’t seen my doctor since I had the infection so I can’t wait to hear what she says. Not. When I started to feel better I got back to bingeing, and I still haven’t stopped, but my diet has changed quite a bit. I was having really bad diarrhoea, I couldn’t hold it in and I was having to keep the doors closed all day because of it, but since I made some changes it’s gotten better. Instead of rice pudding, I now fill up on bread. I have a lot of sandwiches, mostly things like peanut butter, nutella, jam etc, but I also use up anything that’s left in the fridge, like ham or roast chicken or whatever. I also had terrible stomach cramps and just a general bloated ache in my guts that never went away, well that’s a lot better now since I cut back on the amount of meat I eat. I still eat a lot, but I generally don’t have meat every meal now. Sometimes I will just have a pasta or a vegetable pizza and I have felt a lot better. I have been having less energy drinks too, because during the summer I was feeling really weird, like I was always getting dizzy and I felt short of breath and like my heart was racing when it shouldn’t be. I’m sleeping a lot better too, I think because of cutting back on the drinks, and I’m back to about 12 hours straight every night. I also had to change my drinking habits. When I was depressed I got through a bottle of JD or Morgans in a night. I don’t remember those nights, but apparently I was rude, argumentative, I cried a lot and I even shat the bed once to make my aunt leave. When she told me about the last one I couldn’t apologise enough. I don’t know why we were arguing but she is so fucking good to me and I would never be rude to her on purpose, so I have tried not to drink as much. I’ve gone back to drinking beer instead of spirits, and I only drink every other night now. Usually with beer I drink 4-8 cans and I’m fine, I get tired and bloated and just want to go to sleep, so she is happy for me to be drinking them instead. Because I was depressed and drinking myself into a stupor, Vicky didn’t really see me much. She seems to be my only good friend at the moment apart from my aunt and I missed her loads. I didn’t see her most of the summer but she came over a couple of weekends ago and we had a girls night in as we usually do. We watched the Hobbit, drank a couple of bottles of rose, ate £73 worth of Chinese food, had 24 krispy kremes between us and just chatted shit until we fell asleep. Her mum has been really worried about her weight because she got really bad in the summer and barely moved for weeks. She tried to get her on a scale but it maxed out at 28 stone and she was well over it. Eventually she got another scale and weighed her on both (apparently after a lot of badgering) and found she weighed 42 stone 3 pounds this summer. She’s been to the doctors with her snoring and waking up all night and she was diagnosed with sleep apnoea. She isn’t on oxygen but she wears a thing to hold her nose open and stop her snoring as bad and she has to sleep on her side in a certain way to be safe. She also has high blood pressure and her doctor checks her regularly now since she was also told she is very likely to develop diabetes with her weight and diet. She still isn’t working, but given her size I doubt she could do many jobs. She is still able to walk and even get up and down the stairs, even though it’s a huge effort, she used to do the asda run with her mum once or twice a week, but now mostly she just sits in her room because she’s ashamed to go outside. She can drive still, so she’s not as bad as I was, though she only gets into the Astra now. As an incentive to lose some weight her mum has told her that every stone she loses and keeps off she will get £100. She wants her down to 12 stone and that’s a potential £3,000 (where she would get that from, I don’t know, but obviously she isn’t actually expecting Vicky to lose that much weight). She lost 4 stone easily just because she stopped gorging herself every waking minute, but since August her weight has stayed the same. It fluctuates quite a bit but the deal is she has to keep a whole stone off for a whole week and she hasn’t managed any more since August. She is on a diet at home but I allow her to use my card so she buys herself junk and ruins her mum’s efforts. I don’t want her to end up like me, but I can’t stand the idea of her being denied food. I know how horrible it was for me and I think she feels the same. Vicky is still seeing her boyfriend and they still haven’t done anything in the bedroom. This must be a record, two young people going out for almost a year and neither of them has made a move. I can’t imagine how she isn’t gagging for it, having never had an orgasm, but then I figured maybe you can’t miss what you never had. I on the other hand sometimes break into tears of frustration when I need to pleasure myself. I haven’t had anything in my pussy for years now and thinking about it actually gives me heartache :( Given the way he behaves around her, from what I hear, bearing in mind I haven’t met the guy, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s gay. He seems to have no attraction to her at all and doesn’t mind when they only hang out once or twice a month. He isn’t bothered that she got huge or that she’s started losing weight and when they do hang out it seems they just watch TV. I don’t know what to make of it, but she’s happy so, whatever. Kate came over in August when we had a BBQ (one of many, I might add) and she was showing off her svelte new figure. She had the band fitted in November and she was down to 12 stone (ish) when I saw her. She had a really nice floral dress on and I could make out a shape on her which last time I saw her was just round. She was talking to me about getting it done while I was wolfing down a plate of 4 burgers and I just kept winding her up, pointing out that if I had it done I wouldn’t be able to eat so much yummy meat haha! She hates that she can’t eat properly anymore, and its really hard on her seeing us all gorge ourselves all the time when she knows she can’t. She also has lots of loose skin and she hates it. Her arms wobble like crazy and she wears cardigans even when it’s hot so she can cover them up. She might get a skin removal and a tummy tuck if she can’t tone it up but that costs a lot so she might have to wait a while. She is apparently struggling to lose any more but that’s probably because of the skin, so she might get to the weight she wants to be when its done. She said if she can just be a size 10-12 she’ll be happy. I see my mum quite often, she has been over to see me and she sits and chats with me for a while. She is still keen on me coming home, but the fact is she couldn’t care for me if I did. I don’t know how I would move anyway. I can get out of the door since it’s been changed, but I doubt even if I was walking or in the wheelchair I’d be able to get out of the front door and into a car. Maybe the patio door and maybe the back of a transit, but I certainly wouldn’t go through all that. Even if I got home I could never get upstairs, so they’d have to turn the dining room into a bedroom or something. Its not even worth thinking about lol. Oh I got GTA V, I had to order it and it arrived late but I started playing it and it was as awesome as I expected. For a few hours a day I can forget about the real world and have fun in Los Santos lol! It hasn’t left the xbox drive since I got it. I don’t like getting my aunt to change the discs anyway, she gets confused about what boxes they go in :P she never had anything like an xbox, when she was my age she had a job and looked after screaming kids :P (like me, haha!). At least my xbox helps keep my mind from rotting. I feel so bored just staring at the same walls all day it just adds to my depression. I feel like I’m in prison sometimes, I can’t go anywhere at all. It makes me think about how I’m missing out on life. If I hadn’t gotten this fat I could have had a life, a job, friends, social life, holidays . . . I could go down the pub rather than drink alone. I could buy (and wear) clothes and I could pleasure myself every night. I could go to the beach and get a sun tan. I could go for walks and not have my joints ache all day. Sigh . . . it’s better when I don’t think about it. Today I have been a bit of a pig. I woke up early(ish) at about 9 and had 8 waffles and 12 pancakes (all readymade and microwaved/toasted), 4 pop tarts and 2 bowls of krave. After my wash and change of pad I had a brunch of toast, 3 scrambled eggs and 4 sausages and 2 chocolate croissants. I played GTA for a while eating Pringles and chocolates until lunch when I had 2 rustlers cheeseburgers with oven chips and a selection of 8 cream cakes. I was still really hungry when I finished so my aunt did me an oven pizza. By the time it came out I’d filled up on crisps and cookies but I was hungry enough to finish it. I snacked again and had dinner at about 4, we had spaghetti and meatballs (I had 3 platefuls) with garlic bread (two whole baguettes for me) and I was so stuffed I almost puked. That didn’t stop me putting away a whole Victoria sponge and a tub of chunky monkey right after though. I’m so full right now that I can barely eat the oreos I just opened. Later tonight I have plans on Indian takeaway and there is a cheesecake in the fridge with my name on it ;) I don’t know what else I might get through. I have had a whole 2l fanta today and I’ve just opened a coke, so I might finish that. And there are loads of chocolates next to the bed like revels and malteasers, they will probably go. Not to mention the Halloween tub of haribo that I have been munching today. I’m allowed my booze today too so I will get my cans of fosters if I promise to behave myself :P I don’t know how much longer I can keep eating and living like this before it kills me, but I’m too weak to stop now. In fact, if it was to kill me tomorrow, I don’t think I could stop myself eating everything I have planned tonight to save my life. I’m that fucking weak. Sometimes I feel like I would love to try and gain more, but my body is starting to really give up, every time I put weight on I seem to lose it because I’m always getting sick. I feel stuck in a limbo between being record breakingly big and light enough to stand up. I often wonder how much weight I’d need to lose to walk again, but given how my legs have wasted, I don’t know if I ever will. I can hardly move them at all. I could probably get back into the wheelchair if I could slim back down to 45 stone or so, but even then I’d be housebound. I may even be 45 stone now, I have no idea really, I just know I can hardly move, but as I get more and more unfit, the weight at which I can move myself gets lower and lower. I think I may just have to accept that I’m now disabled for life because of my gluttony. While I was typing this I got thinking about Sarah and I text her, and she just got back to me. She has agreed to come over tomorrow night! :D I’m so happy! I asked her to get KFC and she is fine with that. It’ll just be her, her boyfriend is working so I don’t get to meet him yet but apparently he is happy to come meet me if I don’t mind him coming (which I don’t). I haven’t seen her in ages so I’m really looking forward to it! I may write about it if I get time, but I’m going to go now and watch the Simpsons and have a donut or 5 ;) Laters all! xXx