Monday, August 31, 2015

August '15



Hi All,

It has been a very busy, very emotional year so far and its not even over. I’m sorry I have left you all hanging for an update but I have been up and down emotionally and trying to bury my head in the sand as it were.

Let’s go back to pancake day this year. It’s usually one of my favourite days of the year because as you’ll know if you read this, I fucking love pancakes. But at the time I was on kind of a ‘diet’, and with my diabetes my aunt wasn’t keen on giving me loads of sugar and lemon and a pile of pancakes. I pestered her to the point where she was actually pissed off with me and said it was better when I was in my room all evening because at least I didn’t whinge at her for food all the time. In the end we had a bit of a row and the next day she offered to compromise, she’d make the batter and a few pancakes but I wasn’t to have syrup or sugar on them. I whinged of course but the night before Vicky sneaked me a bottle of maple syrup. I asked if I could have breakfast in bed that morning and she agreed, Vicky ate with me. Aunty gave us a pile of big pancakes that was about a foot high, then brought another one out almost as big after we had ploughed through a few. Vicky was allowed syrup and she just had maple syrup on hers. We finished them all and I wanted more. Vicky was stuffed but agreed to make more so I waited a while and she started to churn them out for me. Every bite I felt my stomach stretching and it felt so good. I had this really warm, heavy feeling in my belly and it spread over my whole body. It had been so long since I’d felt this way, basically an orgasm from food, and I just couldn’t stop. I ate and ate and felt so sick but so good at the same time. My pussy was wet and tingling as I struggled to finish each one, looking at my huge body swelling out in front of me…

I felt as though I was coming close to orgasm, no idea how many I ate but I ran out of syrup, and it wasn’t a small bottle, then Vicky told me we were out of eggs and when I had to stop eating I just felt so sick. I belched and immediately vomited down my front. It’s like reality suddenly hit me and I felt so fucking bad, my chest all tightened up when I puked and I had some of the worst chest pains ever. I was shaking from all the sugar and Vicky kept asking if I was alright while she cleaned me up. I spent 2 days in bed after that feeling ill and sorry for myself (I still ate, duh) and I think me starting to sink back into my old routine pissed my aunt off. We kind of got on eachothers nerves for a while and its really unfair because she’s so good to me but in the heat of the moment I just lose my rag and have a tantrum about the stupidest things. Plus I absolutely hate being made to get up every day, it literally causes me so much pain!

So we carried on for a while and I didn’t realise I was actually causing her a hell of a lot of stress. She didn’t say anything but a while back my dad cut the amount he paid for my keep, which my aunt mostly put on food, because he didn’t want me eating so much, but then she didn’t argue when I started to eat as much as usual and began costing her a fortune in shopping and takeaways.

So she was stressing like hell and ended up collapsing while she was out shopping. She didn’t want to talk much about it for a while but she said her legs just gave way while she was out picking things up one morning. My mum went to meet her because it wasn’t far from her and by then paramedics were already getting her in the car to go to hospital. They took a while getting back to her with blood tests and things but they think she had a panic attack and with her weight and getting older she just fell over and couldn’t get back up. She said she spent almost half an hour on the floor having people stare and it was horrible.

That was a while ago now and after that mum talked to me about maybe moving back to my own place again. It was a long discussion, and she didn’t say it was to do with what happened to aunty but I knew it had been something to do with it. Moving was obviously going to be almost impossible and I outright refused to lose weight, but mum just pointed out that I had no choice since I wouldn’t be able to get my own food until I was light enough to get out of the house.

I kicked right off to be honest and I said some things I shouldn’t have said, but in the end I had to resign because even Vicky said she wasn’t going to enable me anymore when it was causing everyone more stress and slowly killing me.

The few weeks after that were pure hell. I fell out with Vicky a bit because she kind of betrayed me, and I know now that’s now how it is its just that’s how I felt. I was made to get up every day and in the end I was made walk around the living room. I lost a ton of weight, according to the scales I was down as low as 44 stone for the first time in ages. I didn’t get takeaways and I only ate at meal times. I barely got full at all. Thankfully that’s all over now and I would rather leave it behind me.

I got fit enough to get out of bed with help, walk around the house and do most things ok, but I couldn’t get back up from anywhere. My chest also hurt like fuck. I have never been so sweaty and breathless. Once I was at that stage we looked at places I could go. Dad had a 3 bedroom flat to rent out which was empty as it was 3 students using it and they were going elsewhere, so he went and cleared it up and offered Vicky a place there too. Vicky has pretty much cared for me for ages now and he knows that and wanted to help her out in return, so she’s moved totally out of her mums and in with me now.

Getting the stuff there was easy, we just got a removals company, but getting me there, well, that was awkward.

At 44 stone I was only a bit heavier than Vicky. She’d used me not being allowed junk food to not go for it so much herself and slimmed down a bit but she never said to what. But she was probably only 7-8 stone less than me, but I’m just disgustingly unfit. I have had so long without exercise now that I’m just a wobbly mess, she’s managed to stay mobile and carry 40 stone like its nothing. I was practically immobile by 30 stone. She helped me in the wheelchair out to the car. She’d got a bigger car for herself a while ago, a second hand people carrier, because it was the only thing with enough room for her legs. Even so with my legs so big I had to get in the back…. And the seatbelts wouldn’t go around me. At all. I didn’t say anything and I pretended I had it clipped in but actually I was holding it steady. The journey had my heart racing. I wan panicking that people would stare and I was looking around the whole time and thinking everyone was watching me, so I didn’t even really get to enjoy going out for the first time in about 4 or 5 years.

But, on the way Vicky asked if I wanted a Mcds because she was starving and I said no because I’m on a diet. Trololol. I of course said yes, then thanked her so much that I pretty much said it about 10 times while we were going around the drive through. I ordered 2 big mac meals, 2 quarter pounder meals and 2 double cheeseburgers. It just felt so long since I ate my fill that I almost made myself sick in her car! 4 milkshakes by the way, not good fuel for walking on! We’d stopped to eat and when we got there my belly was sloshing with all the shake and I badly needed the toilet. She helped me into my chair and thankfully it’s a ground floor flat so we just went straight in. Then I found that there are 2 steps up to the back of the house where the bathroom is and I had to get up and waddle in to relieve myself. Also the seat wasn’t set up yet so I broke the toilet seat off and almost slipped off.

We got everything set up nicely. The front room is on the right as you go in, then you have my room on the left with two nice big windows thank fuck cuz its been boiling! Then up the step is a kitchen, two more bedrooms, a bathroom and a utility room out the back with a washer and tumble dryer. I’m talking to dad about getting the steps made into a ramp but he’s reluctant. I think hes hoping that needing to step up them is going to keep me mobile. He doesn’t realise I just use the commode and only go up them right now for a shower. Though he says its just because it makes it harder to rent to students.

So here we are in our own little flat, my diet was lifted and its backfired on them anyway since now aunty isn’t cooking, Vicky and I are living almost entirely off of takeaways. I have ballooned again and I’m probably going to end up immobile again. At the moment I get up once a week for a shower and Vicky has to help me. I use the commode and she empties it for me, in return I buy the food, so its kind of fair. I don’t want to be immobile to the point where I soil the bed again but I can’t stop gorging so I will just see what happens when it happens. I do have my adjustable bed though so its not so bad. Still on lots of pills and oxygen at night. And during the day I guess, I sleep a lot. The only way I got through the summer was trying to sleep on bellies full of ice cream.

Sarah has been to see me twice and we have had drinks in the living room (pretty much the only times I get up) and watched movies. She’s trying to look after herself a bit better but as usual it isn’t working and I keep telling her she needs to let herself go and come live with us and gorge all day. She is happy living with her boyfriend though and besides, she knows she would get huge if she did haha ;)

I haven’t felt this free or fulfilled in so long! All the while living with family I worried that I would be forced to lose weight and time and time again I was. Now I’m free to eat takeaways every meal and I am being such a fucking pig. I just feel so FULL! Every meal is making me so full up that I get that tingling in my pussy. I rub my belly whenever I’m not shoving food in my mouth and I’m so horny lately that it feels as though I have wet myself every evening. Even when I had slimmed down to 44 stone I still couldn’t reach, even with my toy, so its still aching and still needs servicing, but I have been talking to a few former suitors. The only thing that worries me is how quickly I’ll eat myself to death if I have a feeder! I don’t know how many calories I’m getting through but put it this way, between us Vicky and I are spending around about £125 a day on food. That’s snacks from supermarkets and the 2-4 takeaways a day we are getting through.

Vicky isn’t happy with piling on more weight, she reckons she’s over 40 stone but she’s still more mobile than me. That said, she can’t do much anymore, she isn’t going out for anything but fast food runs and she hasn’t cleaned the flat since we moved in which was going to be one of her things. We are waiting for a Chinese tonight, hopefully its going to fill me up, if not I have my fridge full of treats up on top of a cabinet by my bed so I can just help myself haha! Lots of donuts to get through anyway.

Oh and I have someone coming to visit soon who I haven’t seen in AGES! Made me feel so good to be able to offer her a place to stay. Will see how that goes and maybe do a blog about it. And if you don’t hear from me, assume I’m either being forced to lose weight again or my heart has finally given up.

Ali xxxXXxxx

5 comments:

Light said...

hey ali, sorry to hear about your health i understand your need to lose weight to get healthy i know ive commented on your posts a number of times its Light by the way, i know theres no right way to say this and im expecting hatred, im against weight loss and no offense to you im just not as interested anymore as i once was dont let me stop you from getting healthy.

Anonymous said...

Love to hear about your awesome life, don't overdo it too much. I have been following your journey as it were for about 9 years now.

Anonymous said...

I guess you will be going back to your 60 stone comfort zone and Vicky who so wants to be like you will be going in the same direction.

The Blue Paladin said...

Hey, I read your blog and you said that you're addicted to food. I just wanted to let you know that Jesus can free you from any and all addictions. You don't have to be a slave to food anymore, and you can lead a fun, happy life (you said that you wanted to go shopping and hang out with your friends again). I'm not telling you to become skinny and what not, but that you don't need to be addicted to this anymore and you can take back your life. Jesus can get you out of your addiction just like He did mine. I used to be addicted to masturbation and looking up girls online. I never felt good till I got "high", as it were, and then I felt miserable and depressed. This was about five years ago, and I've been free since. Sure I've been tempted to do it again, and I've even messed up a bit. But, Jesus has always been there for me and helped me through. I want you to know that He loves you and can and will help you too, if you want him too. If you want more testimonies about Jesus helping people of many different ages and with different problems you can check out teen challenge's website. Just so you know that I'm not just saying this, but that there are many more people who've been rescued from whatever was controlling them.

If you wanna talk or ask questions feel free to email me.

-Nick

Yet Another Feeder said...

I reading oyur blog form time to time, and even i a bit shocked with some moments in it, I totally nderstand how to stop on thing that gives so much pleasure...
Well, hope you will find a rich feeder one day who will keep you really stuffed and make your life will become a big 24/7 orgasm...
Looks like your "comfort weight" is looks far higher than 100 stones and yo ready for being overstuffed with a feeding machine 24/7 even when you sleep ;)

Bon appetite!