I was watching this thing about obese people with food addiction the other night, and I realised I'm addicted too. I was stuffing my face with donuts the entire hour, I think I ate 5 and a big bag of m&m's. I'd been full all day like normal, just eating and eating and I realised I've not gone out in ages. I've just stayed home eating, apart from a couple of trips to the shop (one of which I took a fucking taxi!) since the chinese place when I puked.
I weighed myself tonight, 23 stone 3 pounds. I'm so fucking huge now and I've been growing so fast! At this rate I'll be what, 30 stone by summer?? It doesn't even sound real does it, and I bet some of you think I'm lying. I was just 14 stone last year, now I'm nearly 24. I'm almost the size of my fucking mother! I'm nearly house bound! Nearly none of my clothes fit, I don't go out and I can't stop fucking eating! I can't stop forcing food down my throat! Even when I'm so full I'm sick I keep eating. I need help but I don't have any idea who to turn to. As soon as my mum finds out I'm nearly 24 stone (although its amazing she still thinks I'm 19) she's going to kill me, my doctor can't really do much, a psychatrist is too expensive and I can't help myself.
I thought I might have had the will power to stop eating but I can't, I just can't do it on my own. I rationally thought last night, I was eating a pack of eclairs and my stomach was starting to hurt, they were beginning to taste bad and my jaw was starting to ache. I had two left and I said to myself, don't eat those, put them in the pack, put it under your bed and just stop right now. I did it and watched TV. Then I started to feel wierd, I felt like crying and I felt like I was, well I don't know. I just felt like they had to be eaten. I started to feel hungry and lusted for the taste of the cream and chocolate, even though a moment ago the taste in my mouth was sour and my belly ached.
I pulled rolled over and squshed my stomach, which made it hurt again, and pulled them out. I suddenly realised that my belly has gotten huge. Rather than just touch down on my bed it spills right out and goes way further than my breasts. Which I feel like I ought to mention, are no longer the only body parts I'm almost happy with. They're now saggy and just rest flatly on my stomach or fall down under my arms, and I can't see my nipples without holding my tits up a little and looking in the mirror. It's so upsetting to see my body so hugely overweight.
Anyway I practically just swallowed the fucking eclairs and my stomach started aching again. Then I waddled downstairs, made 4 peanut butter and chocolate spread sandwiches, a pint of milk, a chocolate gauto cake (a whole one, it's meant to serve 6!) and a 2 litre bottle of dr pepper. I ate the sandwichs first, then the cake. My stomach hurt so much I started crying to myself. I started because I was so sad actually, sad that I was eating and I couldn't stop, then the pain just got so bad I began crying about that. I kept going and going until I'd finished the whole cake, then laid on my side rubbing my belly. I was so full, I was trying not to puke. I kept swallowing and my breathing was difficult because I didn't want to be sick. I got hiccups after a few minutes and the short sharp jolts of pain to my stomach made me cry even more. That's how I fell asleep.
Anyway after watching that program I just really want to do something before it's too late and I end up disabled in bed for the rest of my miserable fucking life! I don't care that I'm fat, I can deal with being sneered at in the street and never having a totally normal life, but I can't cope with lying in a stinky bed all day pissing and shitting down a funnel and slowly killing myself with junk food as I numb my mind with daytime TV.
The good news for you guys is if I ever get that big I'd probably want a feeder to look after me. They'd have to be a feeder I suppose just to put up with my constant demand for food. I wouldn't want some care-worker or my mum to look after me, that would be so horrible.
Anyway that's all I have to say for now, sorry for the lack of updates, I'm just really down at the minute.
Bubi for now, hugs and xx's
Ali
1 comment:
Well, one possible solution- the best one I can think of- is to surround yourself with healthier food, and not eclairs and chocolate. That will hopefully at least slow your gain until you can figure out what else you can do.
I'm no physician, but that seems like it'd help.
Also, you HAVE to speak to mother about it. There's no reason not to. Although she'll probably scold you- that's what mothers do- she'll probably understand and help you with what you want to do.
And again, I'm on YIM if you ever want to speak- murphmanfa, or you can email me at murphmanfa@yahoo.com if that's better for ya. I just want to see you happier about all this- the stress and worry will kill ya.
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