I can't fucking believe it!!! I've tried so fucking hard not to gain and I've denied myself so much food, but I got on the new scales my mum brought from eBay, and what the fuck do I weigh?? 22 fucking stone and 5 fucking pounds!
It's so fucking stupid I just can't belive it! I've been eating healthily and eating less, I'm at around 4,000 calories a day so I can't believe I gained so much so fast! I kept a diary of what I ate yesterday and here it is:
Breakfast
4 weetabix
1 bowl crunchy nut cornflakes
4 pieces of toast
snack - 1 bag crisps, 1 snickers bar
lunch
pasta in sauce with sausages
2 slices of fudge cake
1 donut
1 eclair
snack - eclair
dinner - (just two helpings)
roast beef
roast potatoes
cabbage
broccoli
carrots
banana custard
snack - chocolate mousse, pack of busciuts
supper
bacon sandwich
banana custard
And then I realised I've still been eating a lot. A lot less than usual yes, but still more than some people are lucky to get in a fucking month. I wonder if I should go try and live in Ethiopia for a few years, some of them have probably never seen someone my size before, they might think I was a cow and eat me! But I'd probably go mad with starvation after a couple of hours :P
Anyway I'm so pissed off with myself and I realised when I got dressed this morning that I could only get into two pairs of jogging bottoms and all my tops rode up over my belly, which is now so covered in stretch marks it's almost completely red! It's so fucking disgusting! So now I have to not only go downstairs and ask mum to buy me more clothes but I have to do it with my belly sticking out.
Even worse is that I'm getting sores around my vagina and on my lower back. The ones around my lower back are from my belts I think, my flab's folded over them for so long they've rubbed until the skin broke. But around my vagina is more of a mystery, I can't think what it might be, other than my jeans but they don't rub much. Well my legs rub together (and that's actually wearing my jeans away :P) but my skin doesn't rub so it's really confusing and worrying.
I'll keep you posted. Hugs and xx's
Ali
3 comments:
I'm surprised that you gained a net total of 14 pounds so quickly...
In 2 weeks from your Doctor's Appt, where you said you weight 21 stone and 3, you lost about 7 pounds from your initial 'eat less', and now you're back up 21 from there to be 22 stone and 5. Unless either the doctor's scale or your new one is horribly off?
Maybe your body (regardless of your wishes) WANTS to keep growing and is putting on weight ludicrously easily until it reaches a point IT's satisfied with? Or maybe your metabolism is REALLY slow and half of that is food still in your guts?
No idea on the sores. You're gonna ask the doctor, right?
It's actually kinda neat from an outsider's perspective that your thighs rub together so constantly that you're wearing through your jeans, denim's tough stuff!
They might be really bad body acne from your chocolate binge a few days back, maybe? *shrugs*
Hope it's nothing bad.
Hi Ali, I'm back reading you since a long time and your journal is better than ever! Hope you get everything ok very very soon, xxx!
I'll echo others' comments and recommend a doctor's visit for those sores around your privates. For the ones on your back, don't wear a belt- that seems to be the simplest thing to do.
I'm not sure if you want to hear this, but I wonder if you'll ever truly be skinny, Ali. Your body seems to want to be fat, even if the side effects are rather harmful at the moment. What you should be doing is controlling what your weight is made of, and how you handle it.
Switching out unhealthy foods for healthy foods is a good start. I would also try to move around a little more- go out for walks, swim, maybe even lift weights. That way you can gain muscle along with the fat.
After all, being big isn't so bad if you can take advantage of your size.
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