Dinner Out

Hi all,

I'm so ashamed of myself, I swore to myself to start living healthily, and I've been doing ok. I'm down below the 3000 calorie mark and I'm feeling fitter and full of vitality. In fact I've lost 7 pounds but I think that might have even been down to just not eating constantly, I gave my system chance to flush it all out.

Anyway I've been so good for the last week or so that I've started to really get cravings, serious cravings for all sorts of foods. Sausages, bacon and chocolate mostly, but also fattening cereals and crisps and stuff. And I'm just not getting full enough, even when I eat thirds or forths at meal times I'm left feeling like there's still more room I should be filling.

It wasn't giving in to those that I'm ashamed of, because even though I have so far tonight eaten about £30 worth of chocolate and snacks, I did something far worse tonight that kind of turned me to eat all those treats.

It's my aunt's birthday. Not my aunt who came to my birthday, this is my mum's brother's wife (well she's an aunt I think). Anyway we were invited to go to dinner with her, she wanted to go to this Chinese restraunt out of the city where they do all you can eat for, I dunno, I think it was either £15 or £20. She's bigger than me and mum put together :P she loves to eat. She's gotta be 35 stone I swear! Her car seats needed to be adjusted and she gave up on driving ages ago because she has a bad knee. But anyway, we drove out there and parked a short distance from the restraunt, I was in these horrible tight shorts and my belly was down on my lap, bouncing away. I was embarassed when these kids stared at me and I heard one of them say "whoa fuck me, she's huge" when they were a bit behind me, but they might have been talking about my mum.

So that's the first little emotional trauma I have to deal with, but it's nothing I don't get whenever I walk somewhere anyway, so I'm ok with it. Then I saw my aunt and uncle waiting outside having a fag, she looked massive, with huge fat arms and an arse that was leaning on the wall, even though her head was a good foot away. And after saying hi to my mum and dad, what's the first thing she says to me?

"Oo 'eck you're geddin' bigger all the time aren't ya? Last time I saw you, you was only a syze sixteen!"

I felt worse then, as always, but I didn't assume she meant to hurt my feelings. Mum jumped in to my defence. In a chatty way as opposed to a confrontational way.

"Actually she's started eating healthily just this month, she's lost over half a stone!"

"Aww well done Ali!" Was all I got, but it didn't make me feel any better.

What did make me feel better was watching my aunt being helped up just three steps by half the family, and then almost wedging herself in the door frame.

But then when we got in we were all being stared at. I mean the only one of us who wasn't morbidly obese was my dad and he's a little chubby these days. Some more of our family were already sat at the big round table, which I guess is probably how the staff reffered to us while we were there. I plonked myself down and felt the chair creak, and my mum and aunt both also just managed to get on their chairs.

The table was in a corner and my mum and aunt were wedged in, so their men had to bring thier food. I swear they'd have to be feeders just to put up with them. When my mum eats at a buffet she sends my dad up about 10 fucking times! I bet he's a bit of a closet feeder really. But I had free roam of the restraunt, and I was starving hungry. My cravings were getting to me and I just so badly wanted to stuff myself!

So I'm starving, feeling bad and at a buffet? Not a great start for someone on a diet but I wasn't concerned about that, I just wanted to eat!

When they gave us our plates I was up like a shot and I filled it as much as I could, sat down and started gorging myself as quickly as I could. I was eating like a pig and before anyone had finished their first plate I was on my second. The third time I got up I could feel my belly was getting heavier and fuller, but I wasn't bothered. I was getting noodles, rice, sweet and sour chicken and pork, chilli beef and chicken, beef in black bean, duck pancakes, kung po king prawns, all sorts. I counted, the first 5 plates, fine, then I decided enough was enough, undid my belt, let my belly hang out and rested for a while.

I noticed my mum and aunt still scoffing away, and chatting obviously. One would talk for a while, the other would eat, then they'd swap and go on for ages. 'Til my aunt changed the subject to me.

"So Ali, I guess that's your diet down swannie today then?"

I was so bloated I tried to talk and air rushed up and I kinda burped, but not quite. I don't know what you call it, half burp half hiccup, fairly silent. You know what I mean anyway. Then everyone lauged at me. I tried to smile but I couldn't make it beleiveable. So then she says:

"Aww sorry Ali I guess you're lyke me, see food and eat it! Haha!"

They all laughed again and I thought fuck it, got my plate and piled it high again. I ate another 3 plates then as I got to the end of the 3rd my stomach really started to hurt, like when I ate those 3 pizzas. It just suddenly comes in a burst like my stomach is being blown up with air. My belly was pressing against the table which it wasn't before and it was getting hard to breathe properly again.

But I didn't really feel like stopping. There was lots of nice food still around and I knew I could manage a little more. I had another plate of noodles and chicken and some more beef with rice, about another plate and a half. Then the pain kicked in harder and it felt like I'd just eaten two whole footballs (soccer balls to you Americans).

No one seemed to notice how much I'd eaten or that I was sweating and breathing heavy and rubbing my stomach under the table. It was really unfomfortable, I'd eaten almost 10 plates of Chinese food and no one cared.

Then everyone finished and we talked for a few moments (although I could hardly breathe let alone talk!) and the bastard waiter brought me the fucking desset menu! He passed us all one and I picked a fudge cake, a pinapple fritter, a banana fritter and some of their salcombe ice cream (two scoops of strawberry, vannilla and chocolate), and then he brought them in like, maybe 5 minutes at the most. My stomach was in agony it was like I was digesting a fucking live dog!

I almost passed out at one point, maybe because I was having trouble breathing, I don't know but I got all dizzy and faint. I carried on eating but I let my uncle pinch a banana fritter (not that it made any difference). Then when I'd finished the ice cream I drank my glass of coke (which fucking caned, my stomach felt like I'd just dropped a bomb in it) and I felt like I had to burp.

Something in my stomach just bubbled up and I wretched and vomited on my plate. Noodles, cake, ice cream, chicken. No one seemed to notice. Then I coughed a lot and everyone turned and saw the mound of vomit on my plate. They were all disgusted and I cried and felt my stomach jump again and I puked up even more than last time. It splattered onto the table cloth as well this time, I made such a mess. I cried and made a bit of a scene.

Anyway I went to the bathroom and heaved up some more until I felt ok to walk and when I got back my dad had cleared it all into a box (not the plate he just stacked that with some others). I'm not sure wether the staff knew about it or not but they must have given him the beer box, but he'd put all our leftovers in it so I can't know if they knew.

No one really spoke to me after that, mum just asked was I ok and everyone said goodbye when we left and went our seperate ways. I think mum was ashamed of me, dad wasn't showing anything. We got home and I've dug into a stash of snacks I've had here. I feel so stupid doing that! Shoving food down until it came back up. I even puked so much I had to flush the chain twice and I was still stuffed.

I don't know what mum's gonna say in the morning and I'm dreading ever going back there, or to any all you can eat place for the rest of my life.

I'm so full right now and I'm still eating. I thought I could control myself but obviously it's beyond me!

Bubi for now, hugs and xx's

Ali