Boys and Girls

Hi everyone,

I had a great day on Tuesday, Brett took me to this really nice cafe for lunch. I've only ever been there a couple of times because it's out of my way, but he used to work there so the manager gave him everything half price :D

I wasn't actually very hungry, I'd had an absoloutley massive breakfast, I swear I almost puked :P so I only had a sandwich a pasty and a muffin. But I had a snickers in my handbag and I nibbled on that too lol. Then he wanted to go for a walk, but the place he wanted to go, it's like 2 miles away!! We cud'v got a taxi but he was still reeling from taking me out to eat all those times this week hehe. I said we should just go back to his place but he didn't want to, he said it was a tip. I don't care, he should know after all he's seen my room, but he kept giving me excuses.

I think he doesn't want me to go there, but I'm not sure why. He told me he lives with some friends but maybe he lives with his parents still. I can understand if he lied I do it all the time when I don't expect to see someone again or think it'll matter. And I don't mind if he does still live with them, I live with mine! But it does worry me that maybe he just doesn't want me to know where he lives. All I know is it's near Sarah. I really like him I don't want him to dump me but he has a history with his ex, the girl he just split up with and I'm worried he might go back to her. I mean he does at least find me attractive enough to make out with me, he's always kissing me and touching me. But his ex is really pretty. He showed me a picture of her and she's got a perfect complection not like mine :( and she's thin. Not stick thin but no more than 10 stone. I don't think Brett has a problem with my weight but if he's anything like a normal guy he'll prefer a skinny girl so I'm a bit worried :(

Anyway we went to my house and made out in my room for about an hour, I'm amazed it didn't turn into sex, but he was either being a gent or I'm right to be suspicious. It's hard to tell without being upfront and I don't want to risk anything by talking.

Jess e-mailed me yesterday, she's split up with her boyfriend A-Fucking-Gain! They're like a couple of squabbling siblings, they love eachother deeply but they fight over the silliest things. As usual she thinks it's the last time, but it's like the 15th so I'm not exactly taking it seriously, I'm just trying to be nice to her and console her like I normally do. She's wasted about £15 on the phone to me as well! You lot would probably like to know she turns to food whenever they split up and this time she's made herself sick on ice cream. She ate two 2 litre boxes in one night, can you believe her? I mean I can't manage that without puking up a major organ so it's no wonder she made herself sick. She can be so stupid some times.

Sarah's split up with George or whatever his name was, he said it wasn't going to work but he didn't give a decent reason he just wouldn't text her back or answer the phone. She's also like that, the last time she broke up with someone she gained a stone, and it's not like she looses the weight like Jess does. She's had 4 boyfriends and they've all added to her dress size. Since she's getting fat anyway I can see her ending up at 15 stone :( It's wierd to think I was that weight not long ago.

Some of you asked about Sarah, well I tell you. She doesn't know about feeders and feedees and foodees and that sort of scene. She wouldn't be intrested either, she's just a normal girl and she wants to be thin and beautiful on the cover of vouge magazine like nearly every other girl in the world. In a way I do too, and so do all my other freinds, but for me I'm happy to be fat, as long as a massive amount of guys want to fuck me. Ultimately I think that's what every woman wants, to have a million guys look at her and say "wow shes hot I wish I could sleep with her" and then a load of ugly girls wish they were her.

It's silly and superficial but I can't help it. If I didn't know how many guys liked fat girls I'd be depressed and think I'm worthless and ugly. I'd be desperate to loose weight and look pretty. I can see why so many women spend millions trying to look good. But it's not just looking good for guys, I want girls wishing they were me. It's stupid that I feel that way. I don't know how to express what I'm trying to say, I guess I'm trying to get accross that all I really want is to be thought of as pretty. And I think that's what all girls want. Silly really I know. I'm probably wrong but it seems that way to me . . .

When I was writing that last bit I got a text from Brett, he says he wants to come round but I'm not in the mood, I used the old headache excuse :P so I might meet him tommorrow. I feel more like eating now than making out anyway, and I'm certainly not in the mood to loose my innocence :P I might have lied before and said I've had sex but I don't do that a lot, in truth I've never had sex and only ever done a bit of kissing. I've touched a guys dick before but it was in his pants so I didn't see it :( but I got my boobs out for him which he enjoyed lol.

It's late, but I think I'm going to have a snack. I've decided I'm having 2 peanut butter and chocolate spread sandwiches, the left over noodles in the fridge with barbeque sauce, a fudge cake, two brownies and some fruit. Oh and there's crisps too and a big bottle of dr pepper in the cereal cupboard so I'll have those too. In case you're American crisps are chips, and chips are fries :P but we invented English (hence the name, duh to the guy who thought England was a place America invaded during the war) over here so it's up to us what things are called! I love America but some of you have been a bit thick when e-mailing me lol :P

Anyway that's quite a lot of food even for me so I'm going to have to make a start if I want to sleep before 2 lol. Night!!

Ali