A bit of thinking

Hi all,

First of all, I feel good about myself right now. Ok, I've outgrown my work uniform, but I'm happy. Food really does make me happy. Feeling a heavy, fattening meal weighing me down, making my tummy round and swollen, is such an amazing feeling. I'm getting wet (and hungry) just thinking about it now. I feel sexy when I see my fat belly poke over my jeans. I feel naughty just ordering my usual then like a filthy pig when I'm cramming it in my mouth and finally like a big sexy swollen bloated princess when it's all inside of me, giving me a tummy ache and making me more and more obese.

But . . .

As the scales creep back up to 20 stone I remember how I felt and why I ended up loosing a lot of it. Then I feel bad because it's discarding all the effort I put into loosing, not to mention the support my parents gave me.

My problem is that I need to decide what I am. Do I feed myself stupid or do I restrain myself and deny what truly makes me happy? Feeling full to bursting at all times.

I've thought about where it all began for me. I think I've written about why I ended up getting so fat, but I wondered why I love to feel so full. I think it goes back to when I was only just 4 or 5 years old. I remember I would get snacks a lot of the day, then we'd sit down for our meals. I'd get full very quickly and leave my veg, and mum would tell me I had to finish or I wouldn't get dessert. So I'd force it all into my tiny little belly and wait for my reward. Then as a reward for finishing that all up I'd be allowed seconds and something from the fridge. I'd be facinated by my little belly, the top so round and firm and the bottom so soft and wobbly. I'd cradle it and feel like mum, her hands on her big satisfied belly after dinner. Then when my tummy stopped aching (which mum had led me to beleive was the norm after dinner) I'd forget about it and get on with playing or whatever I did.

I think I associated food with reward at a very young age, but I also think I am how I am for a reason. It's not just like getting a fix.

Oh god I'm hungry!!! Can you tell?! I'm going for a curry! Thanks for reading my rant.

Maybe some chicken too.

Hugs, Ali x x x