Xmas and the New Start

Hi all,

I have all sorts of news, none of it really what you would call bad, but lots of developments, lots good.

I want to start with Christmas. It’s always a special time of year for me, as food is one of the most important parts of it. I was invited home for Christmas, as usual, and decided I’d go. But unlike last year, I wasn’t really going to fit at the table.

Just before Christmas I’d had a bad case of flu and had dropped a little weight. It wasn’t much in the grand scheme of things, but when I got better, I was having bad stomach pains, so I saw my doctor. Among the usual tests, which again confirmed that my blood pressure was too high, I was tested for diabetes (and thankfully cleared) and weighed. There is a scale in my doctor’s surgery that is down the hall for weighing very obese patients. It was enough of a struggle to get out of the house that morning, drive to the surgery, sit in the waiting room and then waddle to her office, let alone waddle down the hall to the scale, but breathless, I managed it.

Clothes have become a big problem, so I was just wearing a beige top with curry and sweat stains on it, and black leggings that were meant to be baggy, but hugged my leg rolls. I don’t have bras that fit, but I’m beyond caring how I look, or that my breasts hang down as far as they do. I wore trainers, but my feet still ached in them.

I had requested to be weighed, she had weighed me back in summer and I wanted to see if my gluttony had piled any more weight on me.

I didn’t understand how to read the scale, so when she told me to step off, I did. Without being asked to, I took the nearest available seat, because I was so exhausted I felt like I’d be sick. It didn’t help that before coming to the surgery, I’d had a McDonald’s lunch of 2 big macs, 2 double cheeseburgers, a McChicken sandwich, 2 packs of fries and 2 milkshakes, all of which were sloshing in my stomach as I moved.

She asked me to come back to her office, and I realised I didn’t have the strength to stand. It was embarrassing, but I had to use a disabled support on the wall to haul myself out of the seat. I waddled back to the office.

She was stern and harsh with me again. She asked about my lifestyle and diet. I told the truth. When I’d had flu, I hadn’t eaten as much. I’d gone from (and I’m estimating based on when I used to count calories, because I really can’t be assed to list my daily diet and work it out, but you probably already know what I eat day to day) about 20-25,000 calories a day down to less than 10,000 for about 5 days. When I started to feel better, I was back consuming as much as before.

She took a guess that the pains were probably my body’s way of telling me it doesn’t want the food. That maybe my digestive system had gotten used to a more sensible intake of food, and that suddenly forcing my old, very unhealthy and fat filled diet back into it had been what was causing me the pain. She asked me to keep track of what I eat and try to cut out dairy and meat for a while, and try to eat around 2,000 calories a day. She said if I could do that, and still felt ill, that she’d refer me for tests.

I really can’t do that. And I didn’t.

Then came the shock. I’d suspected for some time that I was over 40 stone but I’d never seen it on the scales or heard it from my doctor. But here it was, 43 stone and 4 pounds. 606 pounds. 274 kilos.

She told me, firmly, that if I don’t change I’ll probably be dead by the time I’m 30. She told me straight, that I’d always been severely overweight, and throughout most of my life, never had a decent standard of fitness. I haven’t exercised in over 3 years and before that I don’t think I ever have in my life. It was a bad combination that is, statistically, quite likely to kill me young.

Then she blamed my general lack of health and my migraines on my weight. I didn’t want to talk about the random chest pains that I get, or the sores, because I was nearly crying in the office.

I tearfully waddled back to my car. Planning ahead, there were 3 crunchies, skips, and a yazoo milkshake waiting in a carrier bag on the passenger seat.

Driving has become difficult. My right thigh pushes up against the door, along with the overhang of my fat belly and hips, making it difficult to close the door. The seatbelt doesn’t go over me (but I ordered an extender from an American website that sells things to help the obese with their ‘affliction’, however I don’t know if it’s legal so I hope I don’t get pulled over should someone notice). My left thigh and hip spill over onto the handbrake. I have to literally lift my flab before I can pull up the handbrake. With my seat all the way back, I can just about reach the pedals, but my gut presses against the bottom of the steering wheel. Getting in and out? If you’ve ever seen that episode of Top Gear where Jeremy Clarkson tries to fit into the world’s smallest car, it’s a bit like that. I had to work out a system to get in and out.

However, the last time I drove it was the last time I left my flat, Boxing Day. And I have put weight on. And I don’t think my system would work anymore.

After that, I had a moment where I decided I need to change my life. I’ve had those before. They don’t work but at the time I was certain. Anyway, I phoned my mum, told her my weight, and that I wanted to come for dinner on Christmas, as long as she would accept that I want to sit on the sofa this year, rather than at the dinner table. She was understanding and could tell that I was upset.

Closer to the day, when she was planning for Christmas, she asked if I had started my diet yet, because she wanted to know how much I was going to eat. I hadn’t, obviously, and told her I’d start in the New Year. Mum was about 30 stone herself around Christmas and wanted to loose weight so she insisted we could try together, but that for Christmas we’d just enjoy ourselves.

I arrived on Christmas day at about 11 to find the dinner table pulled up closer to the sofa. Exhausted from walking, I collapsed onto the sofa and panted. I’d decided to do some laundry and have a wash, so I was at least slightly presentable, but still just wearing a massive top and a pair of leggings and trainers. Mum brought me coke, and extended the edge of the table over me, so that I could reach onto the table. It also meant I had an entire metre long extension of table for my food to go on. When lunch began, mum brought in so much food it was unreal. There was only us and dad, but the amount was immense. She dished me up a plate that must have weighed a couple of kilos. It was loaded with turkey, potatoes, veg, cauliflower cheese, sausages wrapped in bacon, Yorkshire puddings and loads of gravy.

As I gorged on my first plate, mum and dad explained to me that they understood why I ate so much, and mum took responsibility for overfeeding me as a child. She said that from Christmas until New Year, I was free to eat what I wanted, but that in the new year I’d be expected to diet, and that they were going to pay to have my stomach fitted with a gastric band.

I was horrified. Gob smacked. That is my worst nightmare. Food is my comfort, it’s the reason I wake up in the morning, and it’s what fills the empty days of my nightmare existence with a flicker of light. I would still want the food; I just wouldn’t physically be able to eat.

For the guys reading this, many of whom apparently still find my ramblings ‘hot’, try to imagine that you’ve got a huge sex drive, a harem women that you want to sleep with, and you can’t get an erection.

Food is my sex. I wasn’t about to give it up without a fight.

I argued from a few standpoints. One was that I am thoroughly addicted to food and I would just find a way to break the band and that would be dangerous. Another was that it was my body and I’m free to make my own choices about these things. And lastly, that due to my size, a doctor would probably just refuse to operate on me. They wouldn’t listen to my reasoning but my dad, ever the push over, just agreed that I shouldn’t have to do anything I don’t want to. My mother just sighed and huffed and became grumpy with me for a while.

I gorged on 4 large plates. I enjoyed the intense feeling of the heavy, rich foods pressing against the walls of my stomach, weighing it down, expanding it like a huge, heavy waterballon. I wondered what the 4 piled plates of food looked like. I wondered how big my stomach actually was and how the doctors fitting a band would be freaked out by what must be a very above average stomach. I washed it down with 2 pints of cola, loving the way it made me belch every time. The pressure in my stomach became soooo good. I hadn’t felt this fulfilled in a long time, even though I was worried about my health and my parents insistence on a gastric band.

I started to feel kind of woozy after my 4th plate. My breathing was laboured and I felt exhausted and as though I had to sleep. I was becoming a boring conversation partner when I realised that I’d almost single handedly cleared the table. For sake of not wasting anything, I finished off the cauliflower cheese, the sausage meat stuffing and the last of the veg while mum prepared dessert.

Despite our recent history of mum trying to make me loose weight, during my childhood, she fed me loads. I was her portly princess and I was encouraged to finish every last morsel of the adult sized portions that she put in front of me. For old times sake, and because this may be our last big meal together, mum had prepared 3 desserts. The first was simple, Christmas pudding. It was a fairly large one; it should have served 6-8 people I’d say. I ate about 2/3 of it with about a pint of cream. Mum, like with the dinner, didn’t complain, because I know seeing me eat her cooking is actually reassuring for her, and I know she’s missed feeding me. I’m sure part of why she’s upset about my growth is that it wasn’t her that’s put the last 30 stone on my body. In fact her last major contribution to my shape was removing about 10 stone of fat when she forced me to diet and exercise.

Dad left the table at this point, I’m sure, partly grossed out by my slow and steady consumption, but partly just full himself.

Mum then brought in the trifle. A monstrosity of cream, custard, cake and jelly in a glass dish the size and depth of a mixing bowl. I was full. Very, very full. For the first time in a long time I was thinking ‘actually, I don’t know whether I want to eat this’, but it looked and smelled soooo good. She’d sprinkled cocoa powder on the whipped cream and my mouth was literally watering. She dished some up for me, then some for herself. My bowl was gone before she’d had a couple of mouthfuls. She said she didn’t want any more, and dad declined, so she let me eat it straight from the bowl.

It took me back to my childhood; especially since I felt so short, being as I was sunk into the sofa. As I swallowed mouthful after mouthful and my stomach expanded more and more, the blissful pain and heavy, complete feeling washing over me, I remembered how I got this big and why I love eating so much. It brought back memories of the first times I thought about the feelings that the food gave me. The times when I was not only allowed, but encouraged to eat between meals. Encouraged to keep eating, even when my stomach was clearly protesting. Told I was a good girl for finishing my plate, my takeaway, my dessert . . . it became clear to me as I ate that trifle, that I do want a feeder.

The next dessert was a chocolate log, with more cream. Mum was too full any allowed me to finish it all myself. It was over a foot long, loaded with buttercream and sprinkled with icing sugar. The cream was unnesscary but it was left over from the pudding. I ate it all, then I don’t recall anything for 5 hours. Apparently I slept like a baby on the sofa, with chocolate around my mouth, “Just like when you were little”.

Dinner was at 6, by which time I was hungry again. Mum had planned for there to be leftovers, but as I’d eaten everything, she had to go into the kitchen to prepare more. She roasted a chicken and potatoes, did some macaroni cheese and then made more pigs in blankets, but this time using large sausages and whole rashers of bacon. She gave me 6 and had 2, dad didn’t want any. He just had some chicken and potatoes. I was left to finish nearly all the chicken (I’m not really proud of this, but I can eat a whole chicken if I have to), most of the mac and cheese, tons of potatoes and my pigs.

I was drowsy again, but had to get up to use the toilet. Shamefully, I had to ask for help getting up, then even more shamefully, I couldn’t fit into the toilet and turn around, so I had to back in and go with the door open, which was so embarrassing I cried to myself a little. Apparently I was in there for the best part of an hour. And I do remember that I flushed twice while I was on it and once after I got off. After all, what goes in, must come out.

I stayed the night, watching the crap on TV, then struggled up the stairs, stopping to catch my breath every other step, and slept right through to 3pm. Mum made me what she thought was a healthy lunch of pizza and salad, but on the drive home I filled up with KFC.

When I got home, I started to change some things for the better. But when I say I have continued to overeat and not left the flat since then, that really does require some explaining.

First of all, I have a cleaner, Olga. She is awesome and I love when she comes around. She comes once on Tuesday afternoons and once on Friday afternoons, and I leave the door unlocked in case she comes while I’m still asleep. Dad pays her but she’s become like a friend because we always chat when she is here. I now make sure I shower twice a week, so while I’m in the shower, she can change my bed sheets. Then when I’m out of the bathroom she can clean that. She takes care of all the rubbish I leave around the flat and I really would be living in total filth without her.

But I have put on weight. I can hardly move without help, so how do I get from bed, to the toilet, to the shower? Because I have met, through my blog and chat, a very wonderful feeder. Steven is 37, and unfortunately married, but he’s very good at D.I.Y, and has helped make my flat more liveable, but putting hand rails up (the kind you see in disabled toilets) and that’s meant that I’m able to distribute my weight more evenly onto my arms and balance and support myself as I move. He has rearranged my flat so that I have minimal distance possible from my bed to the bathroom and I only have a short walk to the door to pick up deliveries. I can watch TV from bed and really, I don’t have to move from it much. It’s not a perfect system yet and I will need to change it if I keep growing, but for now I’m coping well, and with less exhaustion, my chest pains have almost stopped.

Apart from that, Steven comes over whenever he can and keeps me company and feeds me whatever I want. He’ll phone me during his lunch break and ask what I want to eat and bring it to me in massive quantities. He has cooked for me a few times, but he can’t stay long as his wife wonders where he is. We haven’t done anything sexually yet, but the tension is building and my pussy is hot and wet and all his when he wants it. Of course, he’ll need to find it because I can barely reach anymore. I haven’t come in such a long time it’s depressing.

Last month, he sent me a huge Dominos order, even more than I would ever eat on my own, and told me he wanted me to finish all of it. 4 large pizzas, one chicken, one pepperoni, one veg and one the works, along with chicken dippers, potato wedges, chocolate desserts, ice cream and coke. I looked at it in shock, but he told me if I ate it I would get a pleasant surprise. I was thrilled. It was about 1pm and he was coming over at 6 and he wanted it all inside me by the time he came. I was so excited to be encouraged to eat that I felt alive, I felt horny, I felt like I had a purpose. So I did, I ate.

I ate so much that I got totally sick of pizza for weeks and I still feel sick thinking about that afternoon. It was hard work, my stomach swelling and swelling and the time it took to digest made it all the harder to eat. By the time I got around to desserts I was literally light headed, it was about 4.30 I suppose but it was such a daze I don’t really recall the details. The ice cream had melted so I drank it and practically swallowed the desserts whole with it.

I fell asleep around then, with the TV on. The door was unlocked and when he came in his footsteps woke me, as he wears boots at work. His mouth dropped wide open as he looked at me, food around my mouth, naked on the bed, empty boxes all around me. He gave me a hug and I groaned as he put pressure on my stomach. He eased off. I felt so good holding him, my heavy arms taking too much energy to actually encompass him, but I touched his sides. I felt his cock bulging into the fat of my belly which was spilling over the left side of my bed, where he was. He actually thanked me for eating it all and said I was a good girl. I didn’t expect him to go all weird but he was loving it.

My surprise, it turned out, was a milkshake maker. It’s more of a blender really, or a smoothie maker. But he showed me how it worked but putting it next to my bed and making me a whole bunch of milkshakes, using ice cream and either strawberries or oreos, or both, which he had brought when he’d picked it up. It was an amazing night and I would have given him my body but he never asked to take it. He had to leave by 7.30 and I was so stuffed that I literally fell straight to sleep.

He’s thinking of ways he can make my life better, as well as ways to give me more incredible foods. We’ve had nights where he’s brought me takeaways and in the last two months he’s pretty much managed to double what I eat. Instead of 2 meals and a couple of sides from the Indian, it’s 3 or 4 and sides. Instead of an 8 piece bucket at KFC, it’s that and lots of extras like sandwiches, wraps and krushems. Instead of my usual from McDonalds, he literally brought 3 times what I normally eat and hand fed me every single burger and every single French fry. Some nights he’s cooked for me and I’ve eaten entire packets of pasta, 2.5 kilo bags of potatoes and so, sooo many filling carbs, with creamy sauces and curries and meatballs and sooooo much good stuff!

He tries to think of affordable ways that he can make my flat more liveable as I grow, but so far the handrails are the only affordable thing he’s managed. He works in home improvements so it’s ideal, otherwise he probably wouldn’t be able to do these things. He’s hoping my dad will fork out for a bath with a door, but I’m not holding my breath.

I want him inside me. If he were here now I’d suck him off and swallow it all, but he’s working, which really sucks. He said he might make it over tonight so hopefully, I’m going to get a filling in more ways than one.

I’m truly happy right now, just as long as I don’t think about the future.

I will keep you all posted.

Love and XX’s

Ali xXx

November 2010

Ok . . . It’s been a long time since I blogged, so I should probably start by mentioning some of the bigger changes in my life.

First of all, I’m single. Henry walked out on me around December last year. I say around, he was on and off the idea of leaving me for a while before hand and he moved out his stuff, claiming he needed to get his head straight. Then just after new year he told me he wasn’t coming back.

Also, I was pregnant, but it didn’t really last long. It was only about 2 weeks after I took the first positive test that the tests started being negative. Henry knew but he didn’t really get excited or worried, he probably knew that with the state of my body, it wasn’t going to make it. To be honest, I knew it too.

Anyway, those things are long behind me now.

I became depressed around then and stopped going out. I literally didn’t leave the house for about a month, well, only a few times to get shopping. I have been getting deliveries most of the time though, as it’s much easier. I go for a drive from time to time, though mostly just to drive-throughs to be honest, but I’ve seen Sarah a couple of times this year.

I quit my job and have been signed off work with depression. As well as paying my bills, I’ve talked my parents into sending me £600 a month for food and videogames (I have finally purchased a current gen console, a 360).

Because I’ve shut myself in, I’ve had little to do but eat and watch TV. I piled on weight slowly and around July this year I really started to feel ill, so saw my doctor.

Apart from just telling me to loose weight, she said a lot about my lifestyle and how it was self destructive and I really need to get off my ass and do something about it before it’s too late. Rather than being her usual nice self, she was stern and mean. I haven’t seen her since. I got her to weigh me on her scale before I left.

I weighed in, in July, at 36 stone 2 pounds, which is 506 pounds, or almost 230 kilos.
I almost certainly weigh more now.
It was around then that I started to realise how hard it’s become to walk. For half a year, I hadn’t needed to get up for anything more than toilet, shower (and I have a shower seat), getting food, accepting deliveries and going to my car, which means one flight of stairs. I was not only breathless, but also weak at the knees, had pain in my back, hips and thighs, felt my heart pumping so hard it hurt and profusely sweating.
These things are now worse.
I also began to suffer migraines, even worse than any I’ve had before.
I get sick with a cold at least once every 3-4 weeks, even in the summer.
I can’t now sleep on my back as the weight crushes my chest, so I tend to sleep sat upright.
Worst of all, I get random, sometimes worrying chest pains that go beyond heart-burn.

I have only left the flat a handful of times since then. 2 or 3 times to see my mum, a few times for late night takeaways (in the car, obviously) and once just for the sake of driving because I was bored, though, inevitably, I ended up getting food in. It has been about 2 months since I last left my flat, apart from putting out bin bags every now and then, and as long as nobody closes my wheelie bin, I don’t even need to walk down the stairs as I can just throw it straight in (but sadly someone does keep doing that!). One of my neighbours takes it to the kerb with their own, always has, even though I don’t know who it is.

Because walking is a chore, I don’t walk around much. I’ve stopped cooking as I can’t stand by the oven for more than a minute or two. I only have oven meals, microwave meals and takeaways, apart from cold stuff like cream cakes and ice cream and stuff at room temp etc. I used to enjoy cooking but I just can’t manage it anymore. I got a dishwasher, and apart from changing the liquid and emptying it now and then it’s pretty simple, so I don’t have to do dishes anymore either.

I don’t clean the flat. That’s one thing I can’t excuse. I just can’t bring myself to get up to do it. There’s no way I’d manage it and there’s no way I could get my mother to come over to clean up after me. She knows what I’ve done to myself but I think she’s put it all at the back of her mind. I can’t risk her cutting my food money. I don’t know if it smells but it looks a sty in here.

My hygiene isn’t great at the moment either. I can’t reach all the folds I have now, especially the ones on my legs. Showering is exhausting so, as its cold in the winter, I’m only doing it once a week. I brush my teeth before bed every night but I can feel it’s not doing much good with all the sugar in my mouth overnight, some of my teeth ache all day. My hair is a mess and frankly I don’t care about my personal appearance these days. I don’t really wear clothes, just a big t-shirt and some jogging bottoms, I usually have a blanket over me to keep warm. I’ve got some sores on my back and bum, but I’m treating them with cream. I think they’re bed sore but they come and go so they’re not so bad.

My belly is where most of my weight has gone. Being on my ass has probably moulded me this way, as I’ve put on the best part of 10 stone whilst sat on it. My belly spills between my legs and hangs to around my knees. My breasts sit under my armpits when sat up, unless I can rest them on my belly. If I’m standing straight, they hang down to about where my hips are. I don’t know what size they’re meant to be anymore, it doesn’t matter as I gave up on bras. I have folds on my legs, around my knees and down to my ankles. My feet are swollen and kind of reddish compared with the rest of me which I put down to water retention or something stupid like that. My arms are pretty flabby, with my bingo wings hanging down about a foot at their lowest point when I hold my arms out straight.

I spend about 12 hours a day in bed, but only manage to sleep 2 or 3 hours a night some nights. I make up for it other days, sleeping for over 20 hours once. But mostly I just nod off on the sofa after a big meal for an hour or so before I eat again. Those 12 hours in bed can be more exhausting than being awake. I still have the fridge by my bed and I still keep it as stocked as possible, but go through a fair amount in the night. I usually drink around 2 Litres of coke over the night, and as I’ve gotten used to it over the course of the year, I don’t have to get up to pee until morning. My capacity for holding in fluid is surprising, I only pee 2 or 3 times a day, and I have a big shit once in the morning and once before bed.

My days are all quite similar, so I did a diary today, so that you can see what I get up to.

I woke up at around 5 with a blinding headache, so I took some ibuprofen with some sprite. I drank the best part of a litre and needed a piss, but I held onto it until about 7. I wasn’t able to sleep, or get comfy, so I got up for the toilet. While I was up, I took a pack of 4 assorted cream cakes into the bathroom with me. I ate them all before I went back to bed and tried to get some more sleep. At about 10 I had drifted to sleep and back but it was too bright now so I heaved myself up to sit on the sofa. There I ate 4 gooey centred double chocolate muffins. For my actual breakfast, I filled a mixing bowl with coco-pops and poured in 2 pints of whole milk. This is approximately 1 whole box of real coco-pops, but I go for the Tesco’s own in the big box, so it’s less expensive and amounts to about half a box. Either way, it’s enough to feed a family of 6 for the morning. I still go for whole milk, frankly as it tastes best with my cereals. One of my other favourites at the moment is Krave but I can’t find a budget version of that.

I snoozed in front of the TV for a while before getting myself lunch at about 12.30. I put 2 11” stuffed crust pizzas in the oven, one meatballs, one ham and mushroom, and about half a bag of oven chips. The pizzas came out first and I sandwiched them together, fillings on the inside, like a massive calzone. I then got the chips out of the oven, dished them up and took a jar of Mayo from the fridge. I had about half a jar, but dipped the chips in until it was totally empty, then finished the chips with some salt and vinegar and ketchup. I then finished the rest of the pizzas, which had gone a little cold. For dessert I had a 600g double chocolate gateau. I practically swallowed it without a second thought. When I was done I felt satisfied, but not really, full, so I sat eating cookies and drinking milkshake to fill myself up. I started to feel sick after one pack of cookies but had started the 2nd, so finished that before I stopped.

I was watching an episode of the Simpsons when I reflected on what I was doing, sitting there lazily, my stomach laden heavily with unhealthy food, and realised that this moment, when my stomach hurt from my overindulgence, was as hard as my life gets these days. And in that moment I remembered why I let myself get like this. I do feel lonely at times but I honestly can’t be doing with any other kind of life. Only having a loving feeder would make this better, but I’m not ready for a relationship. Anyway, that’s another story for another time. The point is my life is so easy, I get to eat all I want and I don’t have to move a muscle.

I must have nodded off because when I came to the TV guide was on and it was 4.04, so I was feeling a bit peckish. I had 2 rustlers quarter pounders and half a 450g vanilla and chocolate cheesecake, as well as most of a 2l bottle of coke, 4 packets of Walkers crisps, 2 Twix and 2 Mars bars. I was thinking about what to have for dinner when the doorbell rang and I had to heave myself out of the me shaped dent in the sofa. Breathless, I answered the door. It was a delivery from Tesco, so I let them bring up 8 bags. I tend to get a delivery every day, I spend enough each time, but sometimes if I have enough in the flat I’ll make it last 2 or 3 days. Especially if I’m getting takeaways.

Among the items I’d ordered was 12 cream filled doughnuts, so I sat eating the lot. I felt sick when I’d finished so washed it down with some coke, then took some antacid tablets. Despite this, I decided it was time to start drinking, so began on some Southern Comfort in my coke. I also put a 4 person pasta bake into the oven, knowing that by the time it came out, I’d be hungry, which I was. I ate the whole thing, cleaning out the dish with my tongue, when I needed to use the toilet again, my bladder on the brink of bursting.

It was around 7 when I’d finished all my pasta and everything I could reach from the sofa, so I decided on pizza and chicken, followed by a late night curry. I got my pizza at around 8.45 (though I’d ordered it for 8.30, I was bloated from earlier so didn’t care, I was only eating through boredom anyway), a 16” monstrosity with everything on it, and on the side, a bucket of chicken pieces with coleslaw and fries. It came with a 1.5l Pepsi, so I drank that while I ate.

Full from the start, I pushed down every sickeningly fattening bite, over and over. I felt sick and as I felt my stomach swell to its biggest and I forced in slice after slice, I cried to myself. It’s times like this, I thought, when my ‘friends’ are enjoying their lives and all I do is force feed myself, that I hate myself and wish I weren’t so fat, and didn’t need so much food every day. I was in agony as I forced in the last of the chicken and fries, which were cold by now. I left a few bones and crusts in the box and leaned back into the sofa, crying, barely able to breathe, food struggling for space in my stomach.

I carried on drinking coke and Southern Comfort until I fell asleep but woke up at around 11 badly needing the toilet. Thankfully, in Plymouth you can still get a curry that late, and I was on the phone before I was even off the toilet.

Before long I had a heavy carrier bag with a chicken madras, a chicken tika massala, rice, 2 naan breads and some poppadoms. I took them to bed, sat up comfy with my cover over me and began eating.

I haven’t been able to sleep all night, so I’ve snacked on cakes, ice cream, doughnuts, milkshakes, chocolate, crisps and all the usual stuff. My bed is surrounded by junk food containers and sweet wrappers. I know my diet is bad but I literally need all the fat, the sugar, the salt, the carbs, even though I do nothing with them but sit and grow. I don’t eat fruit or veg mostly because if I order them, they go to waste because I don’t like them therefore don’t eat them.

I literally can’t get up at the moment because I’m feeling so full and heavy and weak.

I don’t know what I’m going to do, to be honest. I can’t give up the food, but it’s going to kill me. I’m partially tempted to eat myself to death, as that seems like the easiest option, but in the end I’m dependant on my parents, so unless I get a feeder who’s willing to basically commit manslaughter then I’m screwed on that front. I don’t want to go over 40 stone because I know I’m going to be too heavy to get up by myself. Unfortunately it’s inevitable. Fuck, I probably already am over 40 stone by now.

Fuck, I’m not ready for a relationship but I need one. I tried to masturbate just now but the exertion of holding up my belly and rubbing my clit made me feel sick and I got pains in my heart. I felt my fat rolling about and crushing my chest. I need someone to feed me and get me off but I really don’t want anyone right now. I’d rather just be alone. There’s no way I’d get a fucking home nurse, that’s for sure.

Anyway, that’s my life at the moment, still as fucked up as ever, now with the prospect of getting immobile without any help around. Terrific.

Wonder if anyone reads this still, leave a comment if you do and maybe I’ll do another one soon.

For now I’m going to try to get some sleep, its 4am.

Laters

Updates from MySpace

These are updates from last year that I did on MySpace. Sorry they're all in a mess and probably suck but for those of you who missed them, here they are.

August 1, 2009 - Saturday

Update
Hi all, I can't get onto blogger so I'll upload this update here temporarily . . . I've been up and down like a yo-yo this past week. I spent 2 weeks sat around the flat feeling sorry for myself. I really got a taste of what it will be like to be immobile. Especially with my friends posting pictures of themselves getting suntanned in exotic climes while im sat on my sofa sweating and literally getting bedsores. I don't know for sure what my weight got to, but my mum and my bf both had a go at me and convinced me to go and get some exercise. I had literally not even done stairs in over 2 weeks and the only thing that had made me breathless was large family readymeals.

I went for a drive to the moors and Henry and I went for a walk for a little while. Everything ached and hurt but I began to get over it and really started to feel better. Since then I've been getting as much walking done as I can. I can't go far before I'm out of breath, and I keep going on yahoo when I stop for a rest so you may see more of me. I got my weight down to 30 stone 9 pounds, my scale finally agreeing to weigh me. I lost a lot of weight really fast and felt the difference. I weighed Henry in at 26 stone 11 that same day which I was really proud of and he was really excited that it made me so happy. That night we had the most amazing fuck I've had in a long time and . . . well . . . I'm hoping that I'm pregnant.

I began to feel weird and get sick for no reason and took a test which said positive. I'm not 100% but I really am shocked that I've got a positive result. I don't know whether to check again yet, but I will when I get around to it.

My weight has obviously gone back up because my scales refuse to weigh me again. I will be going to my doctor next week if I get another positive result so I will get another weigh in.

I estimate my daily calorie intake to be about 10,000 at the moment, but I'm doing a lot of walking and using my exercise bike. I want to be pregnant and if I am I want to get a bit fitter to make everything easier. I'll do a test soon and see how things go.
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October 28, 2008 - Tuesday

Poorly
Hi all, Only a short blog as I have a throbbing headache, but I've nothing else to do today. I've been awake since 4.30 this morning and being sick and I've got the runs. I've been ill for a few days now and glad I'm not working. Have the heating on full and still cold :( brrr. Haven't eaten much because it comes right back up and all I can drink is fruit squash, anything else, even water, doesn't agree with me :S I'll go to docs if I get worse, but seriously, all she's said to me in ages is loose weight and you'll feel better so I don't actually expect help. I got to go, feel something bad coming :( eek!
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October 18, 2008 - Saturday

Shit
Hi all,

It's been a busy few weeks for me and I'm not a happy bunny. Let's start with the first of my problems. A few days ago I apologised for missing so many days work and my boss told me that, while she hadn't wanted to mention it at the time, she was glad because she wasn't able to find enough work for me. The problem being that with a fall in house prices people seem less likley to do home improvements. We sell the stuff that you need to refit a bathroom or kitchen and various other things like that, and currently we have a pile of stock worth a good few grand in a warehouse that nobody's buying. That leaves less paperwork and she's doing it herself. Even her son has got another job! So being a lazy bitch with rich and generous parents, I said to her only to call me in if I was needed. I'm not technically redundant, but I'm technially not working. This means I'm spending all day on my ass eating junk and playing ps2, and I think I'll hit 30 stone by xmas without a doubt.

My other issue is my periods, or more to the point the lack of them. Even though I eat the same junk day in day out for years, only the last couple of months have I felt affected. My periods usually last for 5 days or so, but my last one only lasted 2 days and it wasn't very bad, and that was too long ago now. My doctor guessed at polycisytismcaicicaposylosc ovaries, where cysts form and block a ladies natural 'processes', however she wasn't in the mood to give me any tests and frankly if it's anything serious I'm going to sue her (not the NHS, just her personally) but I'm not worried. She weighed me and her scales clinked to a good 25 stone (I jumped off in terror before getting the pounds) but that was a few weeks ago. I'm probably over 26 by now, but it's not like I'm watching my weight.

My mum said the other day that I 'just keep getting bigger and bigger' and then said that as long as I'm happy then she'll stop nagging me. Something tells me that her recent, and quite astonishing, gain of 4 stone has something to do with it. I didn't notice until she told me. She gave me a load of her old clothes too and hasn't started a diet so I'm guessing she's taken a leaf out of my book for a change.

I mentioned last time that Amiee is dieting, well I was out for a drink with her and her boyfirend (I don't know where mine was, 2 bottles of magners and he goes on unauthorised walkies) when she said 'I'm really craving a kebab. I could eat a dozen.' She laughed, then he said 'Yeah but don't, because you've done so well with your diet'. It was true, she is noticably slimmer and seems more energetic, but I wasn't having him talking like that. 'So, do you think I'm unnatractive?' I asked. He looked like he was shitting himself as I gave him the best evils I could manage. Looking back I was being a bitch. 'Yeah you're attractive but, Amiee wants to be thin.' - 'No,' I began, 'YOU want her to be thin because you think your mates are laughing at you, you think she's suppoed to be skinny. Do you actually think she's attractive?' - Amiee stopped me before I could continue but, being in a mood I just got up and went to leave. I asked Amiee to come get a kebab with me but she insisted that she didn't want anything and I left. I got a carrierbag's worth from my local kebab shop and went home for the usual binge. Amiee text me saying he apologised to me, but it's not my feelings I'm worried about. Harry eventually made an appearance but was too drunk and passed out on the sofa, his only contribution was making the cooked part of my breakfast in the morning.

I could probably keep ranting but I won't. If I think of anything else to say then I'll do another blog . . . Does anyone read this?

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September 25, 2008 - Thursday

Read other update first!
Anyway, more rain put out my bbq (but not before I'd had 4 burgers and at least 4 sausages) and we quickly packed our stuff into our tents and sure enough, my tent starts leaking! I wasn't majorly full but I couldn't move without my stomach hurting so I just laid down and read a book. I heard them chatting in the other tent, one of them said something about how much I ate, then another replied with something I couldn't hear and they burst out laughing. I love my cousin but she wasn't making me feel welcome. After a while they said they were going for a walk to the beach, and even when it's raining I simply love the beach, so I walked down with them. I'd packed a handbag with my purse and phone but then filled it with 4 snickers and 4 twix, all of which were eaten by the end of the walk, which can't have lasted more than an hour. I was exhausted, my legs were killing me and my back ached, so when I saw the tent almost drenched inside I decided to call it a day and go home. The girls didn't seem to mind, which put me in a shitty mood as I wrung out fabric and crammed it back in the bag. I said my goodbyes and went to tesco before going home, picking up a huge binge for the night. I don't remember everything but I know I ate 2 oven pizzas, 4 pot noodles, a large chocolate gauteo and a 6 person cheesecake, plus more that I can't remember. I went back to work the next day and binged badly all week. I think it was on the Thursday of that week that I 'dissconnected' myself from the world wide web. I'd left my laptop on the floor and stood on it as it was under some clothes. It crunched and now when I turn it on the screen stays black. I don't know what I weigh atm since I'm staying away from the scales. I know I'm still putting on weight, my clothes get tighter, my legs feel weaker, my car seems smaller and my mum's evils get worse. I think about 25 stone but I don't want to weigh myself to find out. I figure I'll do it at the docs for a humilation bonus. I need to go there as I've not had a period for almost 2 months and the last one wasn't like normal. I'm not pregnant, I just want to know what she says apart from 'loose weight'. Amiee has put on weight, she told me she's put on over a stone since the start of summer and she's going on a diet. Her boyfriend wants her to be really thin, I want to hit him, but she just doesn't have the money for a whole new wardrobe so wants to loose a stone. She said she was shocked when her Wii Fit told her she'd gained 10 pounds since she'd last used it and decided on the spot to loose some weight. As for Sarah, she's caching up with me, but I think it's going to upset her, she must be about 16 or 17 stone and I know how much she hates to be overweight. I've had a rocky road with my bf the last few weeks. It got really bad last weekend when he wanted to go out and I refused. He asked why and I told him it was simply that I'd brought a lot of food and wanted to stay in and eat. I'd said that as I pushed a slice of pizza in my mouth while sat watching TV. He went off on one saying I was obsessed with food and put it before him. I felt guilty but before I'd finished my mouthful he'd gone out. I tried to call him but he didn't speak to me for a few days until yesterday when he offered to take me for dinner. He apologised while we waited for our food. I ate 3 satay chicken, 4 dim sum, chicken chow mein, 8 sweet and sour chicken balls, peking pork, fried rice, a slice of fudge cake with 2 scoops of ice cream and a creamy sundee. He stayed the night but left early, making me feel a bit neglected, so I called sick and got up at 9 to make breakfast. 12 pancakes (some with lemon and sugar and some with syrup) a full english and 2 waffles with a tub of ben an jerrys cookie dough. i snacked as usual before having 2 large meals at mcdonalds and going on for the boneless bucket at KFC and a large pepsi, then for dinner I had 2 oven pizzas, a rustlers bbq rib and a rustlers 1/4 pounder. I just got back from the kebab shop and had a large donner, chicken sandwich and 2 large chips. I ate those and now I'm taking a nice hot bath (with a cheesecake, of course ;P) and later I'm having pot noodles and popcorn while I watch diary of the dead. The food has made me feel so good today, this lunchtime my stomach was so hard and stuffed that I felt like I could have brought myself to orgasm in seconds, but being out in public I wiseley decided not to. With every mouthful though has been the thougt, eating away at me, that Harry won't look after me if I hit 40 stone. I think it'll take me time, but I don't see us lasting forever. Anyway that's it, leave comments you ungrateful bicthes!
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September 25, 2008 - Thursday

Blog Update
Current mood: hungry
Category: Blogging
Hi all, I'm posting on here because I can't get online atm (I'll explain later) and my phone won't let me log onto my usual blog. I'll cut and paste this to there when I get a chance. For now excuse any spellinging mistakes because my phone keypad isn't great for long msgs :P I may as well start where I left off. The camping didn't all go to plan :S I arrived at the campsite in the evening and there was a light drizzle soaking through my coat so I got in my cousin's tent for a while, which was only a 2 person 1 which already had 3 in it, plus me so my back was up against the side. I forgot that doing that makes the tent leak but after 10 minutes it was too late :( It'd made a puddle, soaking my butt and a pillow. As the rain didn't let up I just swapped it for the pillow I had in the car and went home. I came back the next morning and they weren't there but the tent was up so I put up mine and, not really that surprisingly, there were holes where I'd ripped it with the tent poles years ago. They came back shortly after I'd finished, they'd been to the beach while the sun was out. I'd brought a disposable bbq with me, thinking I'd be cool, and then I find out one of them's vegetarian and they're all on diets! I brought enough meat to feed a platoon of starving soldiers and only got them to eat 1 burger each! I, on the other hand, lost count of what I ate, and got a stomach ache! Sorry I'm busy (despite fact that I'm skiving today) so I'll finish this later.

Depressed

Ok, so it's 7am and I've been up since about 3. I got to sleep at about 10 last night then woke up needing the toilet. After a long struggle to get myself out of bed I sat on the toilet and broke the seat. It's still in one peice, it's just that one peice isn't attatched to the loo anymore. I felt my knees creak and hurt as I stood up from such a crouched position and headed back to bed. Before I even got into bed though I got dull hunger pains. I find them like needing to take a piss, I just can't get to sleep until I've done something about it. So I went to the fridge and stuck a 1.6kg macaroni cheese dish in the oven. That took about 45 minutes so in the meantime I ate 6 pork pies, 2 sausage rolls, a large cheese and bacon quiche and a can of coke, then it was ready.

I just want to point out that I was sat in the light of the oven, my bf at his house because he finds it difficult to sleep with me on hot nights (or at all, it seems).

I sat in bed and ate and ate. I felt my stomach swelling with every bite and about half way through the dish it started to taste yucky but I kept going. I know that cold or re-heated it tastes worse and I didn't want it to go to waste so I forced it all down. One dish is something like 3 times your daily recommended allowance of fat, and my stomach really didn't like it. My stomach said stop, my mouth said no and my fucked up brain said keep eating.

When I was finished I felt worse than when I started so I decided I needed something to soak up all the fat (that may sound weird, but it sometimes helps). There was a big victoria sponge in the fridge so I had half of that but just felt sick.

It was about 5.30 when I'd finished eating and I haven't gotten back to sleep.

I've been thinking about my life this whole time and how I've completely ruined it. I had everything anyone could want: a great home, loving parents who respected me, a loving boyfriend who'd do anything for me, great friends, a great job . . . Now I'm a recluse. I haven't been out in almost 2 weeks. That's not out at all, not even to the shop. I had 2 deliveries from the supermarket, some takeaways and pizzas but I've not even stepped out of the door. My bf is getting sick of my attitude and laziness though he still caters for it since it makes me happy when he shops for me. My mum is angry with me for still not going to weight watchers and letting myself get so huge in such a short time. There was a time when she was always congratulating me for doing so well, now it seems all I get is the truth. I quit my job (what the fuck was I thinking?!) because I can't stand or walk for very long without feeling bad and sweating like a pig. I haven't seen Amiee in ages or Sarah since about 2 weeks ago and I'm starting to go crazy.

In the last couple of hours I've not been able to move off the bed, I feel too sick and heavy to move and I've not only regretted eating all this food tonight but I've regretted every bite I've ever eaten in my life. I regret eating 10-20,000 calories a day for the last couple of years. I've thought back to how it all started, my mum practically force feeding me as a child, not being allowed to play outside and sitting indoors all day stuffing my face. Spending a whole school summer holiday one year cooking treats for myself and wondering why girls picked on me. Turning to food at times of stress.

After letting myself baloon to 24 stone a couple of years ago my mum put me on a horrible diet/exercise regime. I didn't have a job or my own place so I was under her control. When I slimmed down to almost 14 stone I felt, almost happy. I wasn't me, but I was what the world wanted me to be. I went out and didn't get tired and ate out and didn't leave feeling sick. I didn't walk down the street and feel like a freak. I shopped in the same stores as my friends (I actually fucking had friends). I wonder now as I sit here, practically disabled by my weight already, wether I'll ever really feel happy. I know now that despite the sexual thrill I get from seeing myself grow, that's all there is to it. I only feel like sex now because of what I'm doing to Henry, I don't find my body attractive anymore. It's just a blob, I'm not even a well shaped blob. My belly hangs over onto my waist and it's uncomfortable to let it hang out, and I feel funny wearing trousers over it. My arms are flabby and I have horrible rolls which get sweat in them. I have some sore spots on my lower back and under my arms because I can't reach them to clean them anymore. I can hardly fit into my shower let alone move around in it.

And what happens if I feed Henry to my size? He'll get as lazy as me, we'll probably find sex impossible and then what will we be to eachother? A couple of fat fucks, too big to get up and unable to move so we keep eachother company.

As futile as I think it is, I've stopped using condoms in the hope of getting pregnant. I told Henry my periods stopped because of my weight and diet, but it's not true. They're a little out of sync but I put that down to my lack of exercise.

It's about 7.30 now. I still feel ill. I'm probably going to spend the whole day indoors again feeling sorry for myself. I might get the exercise bike out but I doubt it. I'm laid on my side right now, my belly spilling about a metre onto the bed. I can't sit up and use the laptop, it won't rest on my belly.

Right now I just wish to god I could stop eating . . . but even with my stomach still getting over my unhealthy overindulgence, I can feel myself forcing myself up to make breakfast.

I'm going to eat all I want today, as much as I feel like change, nothing is going to change who I am inside so I won't fight it. I have a huge meal planned for Henry, and hopefully some sex will cheer me up. I've ordered some clothes that are due to turn up today, so if they do I may see if he wants to go out. I'll still feel like a freak, but I feel more of a freak staying in.

Well, I'm going to make breakfast. I'll write again when I feel like it.

Hi all,

So, interesting week.

First of all I didn't go to Weight Watchers this week. I really didn't want to sit around for an hour and a half with a bunch of women who think fat is disgusting. My mum is angry with me for not going to my first proper meeting since she's paying. I might go to the next one just to please her.

Back home last week I saw myself in the mirror. I realised I have to step back further to see my whole body in my dress mirror as it's so narrow. I've lost my shape completley, my breasts are saggy and flabby and you can't see the nipples without moving them as they're touching my belly. My gut spills down over my thighs and my butt sticks out pretty far. My belly looks stretched, I have deep purple stretchmarks on the sides where it's pulled itself down and on my hips and on the underside of my flabby arms.

Friday my bike came and Saturday Henry put it up for me. I used it for 5 minutes, felt like I was going to have a heart attack, then came off it and stuffed my face with a 4 pack of double chocolate muffins.

Monday since I didn't go to Weight Watchers and wanted to know what I weigh I asked to see my docotor, and luckily got in that afternoon (I have an awesome doctor). She weighed me in at 32 stone 8 pounds (456 pounds). That's 2 stone in 2 months, another bad gain and it worried my doctor. She's never seen me get so big, she's always warned me that I'd end up getting bigger if I didn't change my lifestyle and she was right. We spoke about how I'm feeling, with my back pains and general lack of fitness (like I can't even walk around town much anymore, stairs are a no-no and I get seriously out of breath just having sex), my diet and my lifestyle. She even asked me whether I was taking any action and whether surgury had crossed my mind, but didn't reccomend it.

Yesterday I didn't go out until late, I spent the whole day on the sofa pigging out. I was bored, having watched every dvd I have and with nothing on TV I just zombified in front of daytime TV. I couldn't get full even though I ate a box of cereal, 2 oven pizzas, oven chips, several muffins, cream cakes, 4 bananas, 2 apples, loads of chocolate bars, donuts and half a tub of ice cream, plus whatever else I can't remember. I made myself a huge saucepan of pasta (it was probably 5 healthy sized servings) and sat eating the whole lot. I felt like I was going to burst, then Henry phoned saying he was coming over after work (this was probably about 4.30) asking if I wanted him to pick anything up.

I told him I'd binged all day and eaten all the goodies in the flat, so he went to Tesco to get a few more treats (or should that be necessities) for me. He said I'd have to stop eating so much because he wasn't saving any money this month, having spent nearly all his wages on me, but he knows I can't. He brought me back 2 big mac meals and a double cheeseburger. It was a little hard to eat it all since I was still bloated from all the pasta but I wanted it badly, my brain was crying out for something fatty and delicious lol.

I had to get up for the toilet and for the first time I was too heavy to get up by myself. I felt weak, my legs and back aching, my stomach bloated, I just couldn't get up. I tried rolling to one side, even rolling off but it was too hard and I just felt out of breath and sick from all the exhurtion. Henry laughed and helped me up and I tried to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal, and he took it like a joke, but to me it felt serious. I feel like I'm getting reculsive and it's giving me a pretty good idea of what I have in store if (or more likeley when) I become immobile.

I wanted to go out so Henry took me to the cinema. I wanted to look good but none of my jeans or skirts fit me so I went with the grey jogging bottoms I've worn recently. They're a size 32 but they've been stretched quite a lot, I know I'm bigger than that. I wear them over my belly button and they dig in a little which holds them up nicely. I had a black XXXL men's t-shirt on to cover my lack of shape (despite the fact that it hugged me) and wore my trainers, which are in need of replacing because I've worn them out quite a lot :S One of the worst things about getting so big is that it's so hard to get good clothes. I'll need to beg Henry to buy me some over the net.

We saw drag me to hell (it was really good, scared the shit out of me). I had a large popcorn, nachos, a hot dog, 3 scoops of b&j's and some malteasers. When we left I was starving and coaxed him into pizza. I got him to eat a large deep pan with the works and he got me the same with some wedges, dunkers and we both had plenty of dessert. I felt like the biggest girl in there, I know a few people stared at me. I heard some kids laughing at me too (or at least I feel like it was me).

I ate some snacks before bed and woke up this morning with a massive appetiete. I'm gonna go sort that out, I'll write again soon :)

Ali x x x x X X X X x x x x

Weekend

Hi all,

I’ve had a great weekend. Saturday I went for a walk on the moors. The weather was nice and I got really, really hot and sweaty. I wore tracksuit bottoms and a green tank top (which is a little too small and showed a little of my belly off). It felt great to have some fresh air and exercise, I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve had a nice walk. We didn’t go far before I had to sit down on a log and catch my breath. Since I knew I’d be walking I had a fried breakfast, toast, cereal, 2 bananas and a 750g yogurt drink before leaving the house but I also really fancied a sausage and egg mcmuffin so we stopped for 2 of those (both for me lol). Of course I had 2 hash browns and a hot chocolate too. It didn’t take much walking before I’d worked up a massive appetite though and we drove to the nearest pub for something to eat and drink. It was about 1.30 and I usually don’t go more than an hour without food so my stomach was growling. I asked for the biggest burger they had because I couldn’t be bothered with the menu and what I got had 2 big burgers, bacon and a fried egg in it, with lots of chips on the side. I was impressed to be honest. I drank 2 pints but Henry was driving. He only had chips and salad. I’d coaxed him into eating a lot in the morning so I doubt he was hungry at all lol.

We went to the beach after that just for a stroll and I got a Feast from the ice cream shack. It’s been ages since I’ve had one, it was so good I had another one on the way back ;P hehe.

One thing I noticed while I was walking was how slow I’ve gotten. My thighs seem to roll over eachother and my belly bounces slightly against them. I pant as though I’m running as I waddle and it’s a real chore. I did enjoy getting some blood pumping though. My heart felt like it was going a mile a minute, I could feel it thumping in my chest. I sometimes worry about my heart, that’s why I’m looking forward to getting my exercise bike this week, it should help shift some cholesterol. I don’t even want to think what my arteries must be like.

That evening we went out for drinks and I got hammered. I remember shouting and laughing in the kebab shop to Amiee that I was allowed to order double this time because I’d done some exercise this weekend. It was supposed to sound ironic but I just came off sounding stupid and having a couple of guys stare at me like I’m loopy. I made myself sick at home because I ordered 2 kebabs, 2 cheeseburgers, 2 wraps, a small box of chicken and 2 fries. Not too much on its own but I’d drank about 8 pints and my stomach wasn’t in the mood. I was mostly sick in the toilet but got a bit on the bathroom floor which I had to clear up with a hangover in the morning. Henry was a bit annoyed because back at breakfast I’d promised him lots of sex (of course I wasn’t planning on getting drunk at the time). I remember giving him a drunken blow job and him complaining in the morning that I’d bitten him a few times lol.

Sunday we stayed in most of the day. I ate nearly everything in the flat though so Henry went to the shop for me at about 2. He came back with some deliciously fattening treats for me and for dinner I ate 4 of those small Chicago town pizzas, half a bag of oven chips, 10 jam donuts, 4 double chocolate muffins, 4 éclairs, 4 cream cakes, a Mississippi mud pie, half a cheesecake, 2 strawberry cornettos, a big bar of galaxy chocolate and a big bottle of cream soda. It felt so good to just sit on the sofa and gorge without lifting a finger, I loved it. It turned me on feeling the swelling pressure in my stomach as he rubbed his hand up and down over me belly covered by the t-shirt that’s now too small for me.

He cooked a pasta bake dinner for me that night, I had a whole baking dish and a little salad on the side and I took about an hour and a half to finish it. I felt like I was literally going to burst and he brought in a tub of chunky monkey ice cream for me. I carried on eating nearly the whole night, getting through most (but not all) of a 1200g chocolate gateaux, 4 cans of fosters, 2 meals from the Indian takeaway and a pack of 6 chocolate dessert pots (just the little ones). I only got up a couple of times for the toilet, apart from that I just spread out over 2 sofa seats and vegetated. I remember looking down at my huge belly, sweating and struggling for breath and thinking ‘this is the fucking life’.

Monday was a bank holiday so the weight watchers wasn’t at the usual meeting place, mum was invited over to one of the women’s house and she dragged me along with her. I’d had lots for breakfast again, this time the 8th made me pancakes and I lost count, so I was feeling even more sluggish and tired as we walked up the steps to her house. It was massive, like a fucking mansion. I wish it’d just been small then I wouldn’t have had to walk so far. The woman who’s house it was wasn’t very fat, probably only about 13 stone but short. I saw her son though, he was huge, I’m surprised she wasn’t making him join, he just walked through to get something from the kitchen.

There was only 3 other women, all about my mum’s age and I just felt awkward and a embaressed that I was the biggest one but the youngest there. They all had folders and mum got one for me (she’s paid for a membership without asking if I definitely want it, but it’s her money wasted so it’s her problem). I have a little journal I can write my food in too and a guide to tell me the ‘points’. It’s so gay. I’ll just make out I’ve eaten salad and fish and hope I don’t get weighed lol. Embarrassingly my mum had already said about my weight loss and how I’d put it all back on plus lots more so fast and one of them was telling me how weight watchers doesn’t make you do that because it changes your lifestyle, ‘it’s not a diet’ was something she kept saying which I found really annoying because that’s exactly what it is! She asked what I ate and I lied, so my mum interjected and told them what I’m really like. The kinds of food packaging she used to find in my room, the way I always eat loads at mealtimes, the way that one takeaway is never enough for me and I order 2 or 3 meals.

She asked what I weighed and I said I wasn’t sure, but I guessed about 30 stone. She said there’s a scale that’ll weigh me at the proper meeting so I guess I’ll be finding out soon. I felt all venerable and exposed even though they were really nice. I’m not sure I want to go back, there’s a proper meeting on Monday I will see how I feel. I’m curious to see how much I weigh though. Maybe I’ll freak them out by putting on loads each week ;D haha.

That damn bike isn’t here yet, I’m expecting it soon though. Perhaps today. I think I will be able to do a few minutes a day on it, I just need something to help make my legs and lungs stronger. It’s lucky I don’t smoke or I’d probably be unable to walk at all by now. I have a tiny bit of exercise to do today, I need to clean and tidy the flat and it’s pretty messy, then I think I will go back home for a bath and a chat with mum because I’m bored. The bath there is a little bigger than most, not huge, but it’s more comfortable to sit in. Mum will probably cook something nice and healthy. If it doesn’t fill me up I’ll just get a takeout on the way home lol ;)

Henry didn’t stay here because he had to get to work early to catch up on things so I’ve had a good night’s sleep but I woke up early and hungry so I’m on my 2nd bowl of cocopops. Plenty more where that came from hehe.

I’m off, I’ll write again next time I’m bored enough. Love, Ali x x x x x x x

Nice long post, hope you enjoy . . .

Hi all,

Sorry it’s been so long since I last posted, I haven’t felt well and went off the whole feederism thing again, sorry. I’m alright now though.

I don’t know what I weigh because I got on my scales and they went 000 . . . ERR and now they refuse to weigh me. I was going to put them away but I remembered that The 8th needs them lol.

It’s been ages so I’ll start with the Easter weekend before I forget everything. I only got 3 eggs because my mum chats with most of the family on the phone so even though I haven’t seen them, they probably all know that I’ve been putting on too much weight. I think she told them not to buy me so many this year. Either that or it’s just because I’m not a kid anymore lol. My mum got me a small smarties one, Sarah gave me a snickers one and my aunty got all her nieces and nephews a huge one each, so I had a 9.99 one to make up for it. I was like 2ft tall lol. We all showed up around 11 on the Saturday and we were staying the night so that the adults could sleep. The last time I’d stayed in a sleeping bag but this time I got the sofa bed being as how I’m twice the woman I was then :P

I’m the eldest of my cousins, there are 2 boys and 3 girls, and just like me, they’re fat :P I don’t believe in the whole obesity runs in the genes excuse, it runs in the family though, through bad eating habits and lots of chocolate. The youngest is Jess 8, then Tim 10 and then his brother Jack 12, then it’s Kate 15 and sister Vicky 18. Kate seems to be the only one apart from me to ever loose any weight. She said she was 22 stone last year and her doctor explained all the usual bullshit to her mum and dad who went a little nuts and put her on a diet. Her school had been excusing her from P.E. until her mum complained and they now do a separate lighter session of warm ups for the whole group, including the sick-notes and fatties, which she can’t get away from. She says she’s lost 2 stone.

Vicky never told me her weight and I never overheard it but my best guess would be somewhere in the region of 25 stone. I know she’s never dieted and last time I saw her a couple of years ago she couldn’t have been much more than 18 stone. I watched her eat over the weekend, curious as to how she’d gotten so big, and she ate almost as much as me.

Dinner started around 4 and she had a long table made up of 2 big dining tables to accommodate us all. I had a small chair but didn’t want to say anything until my uncle whispered in my ear that there was another one like it in the garage that I was welcome to use so he fetched it for me. First time I’ve taken up two seats at a family meal lol.

The meal was massive. My aunt is the only person I know to have 2, count them, 2 ovens! The house used to be a b&b with 6 rooms and the kitchen is quite big. She’d made 2 chickens and a big joint of beef, loads of veg, potatoes, cauliflower cheese, parsnips, pigs-in-blankets, stuffing, bread sauce, the works. I was chatting a lot, I got through about a bottle of red wine and we all laughed and had a good time, so I forgot how much I ate, but it was enough to make me open my skirt and sigh. I recall having a slight pain in my belly when I leaned in for more so I must have been pretty damn full.

I saw the younger kids struggling to breathe as they tried to demolish adult portions of everything, the poor things are being fattened like pigs for slaughter. It’s kind of sick that they’ll end up like me yet it won’t be their fault. Not that I said anything like that. Kate was ordered to ditch the diet for the night and ate loads, even drinking some wine. But Vicky really went overboard. I watched her eat, all the while I could see in her face that she was struggling to get it down but there was so much and it was soooo good, I knew the feeling. I stopped eating to rest for dessert as with my aunt, there’s always a lot of dessert, but she was still shovelling it in right up until my uncles started clearing the dishes. I saw her take a sip of wine as she rubbed her belly, her eyes looked glazed and tired and she groaned and said ‘that was sooo good. I can’t eat another thing!’, just as my aunt brought in the trifle. After that there was a large chocolate cake with cream and a syrup sponge with custard. The look on her face was priceless.

The 8th was there of course, sat next to me. I kept glancing over at him, looking down at his bulging stomach. It’s soooo damn sexy I love it. I kept putting more food onto his plate every time it started looking like he was close to finishing. I’d told him before we arrived that if he ate everything I gave him then he was in for a treat. He didn’t complain he just kept going and going. Dessert was hardest for him I think because it was all so easy down the throat that it made me feel like it was going to come back up, and I bet he felt the same. He was a good boy though and ate everything he was told to lol. I tried to feel down his jeans a little at one point (no-one saw don’t worry) and they were so tight I couldn’t get even the tips of my fingers in :D

I got a little drunk and we whiled away the night chatting and playing with the Wii. I couldn’t move for a couple of hours after dinner though, but I wasn’t the only one. There were snacks and leftovers throughout the night until around 10 when we all getting hungry and we ordered takeaways. I had a chicken chow mien, sweet and sour pork and rice from the Chinese place and a large Hawaiian pizza from the pizza place. I made Henry eat the same except he had kung po chicken.

I don’t remember what time we got to sleep but we were woken at about 10 to the smell of cooked breakfasts. I think my aunt is obsessed with cooking. The kids were already on cereal as the adults waddled down the stairs and told my aunt what they wanted. I ordered loads for myself and Henry, but he had a stomach ache so I told him he didn’t have to finish. He just waited a while then finished his plate lol.

We got dressed and left. I popped the button on my skirt as we got into the car. He drove since I felt sleepy and dozed off in the passenger seat. He woke me up at McDonald’s. I asked him why and he said that no matter how much I’ve had to eat I never say no to one and that if I wanted his waistline to keep growing he was going to need a few big macs. I laughed and said ‘bet you can’t eat 5’ and he said ‘you’re on’. We got takeaways, I ate some of mine in the car but he was driving so we got back to my flat and sat on the sofa. My belly and stretch marks were on show to the neighbours as we went up the stairs, but I don’t think I was seen lol.

I un-buttoned his jeans and pulled them down. They were so tight they dug in and made deep red lines under his bulging gut. I rubbed his penis as he started on the first one and he got an erection. I put my mouth around it, sucking and playing with it with my tongue. I took a few breaks to eat my meals and drink some milkshake but kept him hard the whole time. I even poured some whipped cream around it to suck off. We went through the whole can lol ;) When he came I swallowed, then helped him finish by hand feeding him. I was so turned on by the size of his belly and how much he’d just eaten then I fingered myself as we sat on the sofa. It occurred to me that I now have to move a hell of a lot of belly to one side to reach my pussy lol.

I got him on the scales again last weekend and he was 25 stone 12, a very big improvement. His waist is now 57 inches, but having said that I’d just made him eat a pizza so maybe he was bloated too lol.

I went for a pub meal with Sarah last week and we drank a little too much. I explained to her that to me being fat is also liberating. It’s refusing to conform to society’s control and the freedom to eat as much as you want whenever you want. I made her toast to it by ordering a massive portion of fish and chips and a huge ice cream sundae lol. As she struggled to eat it all she asked how I find it so easy to eat so much and I just laughed and told her that I deliberately try to eat as much as possible so I’ve gotten used to it. We’re pretty open with each other so I’ve told her my sexual desires before sober, let alone drunk. I tucked my tracksuit bottoms under my belly and exposed a huge roll of flesh as I ordered a second sundae, for some alcohol fuelled reason proud of my huge body and wanting to flaunt it.

I was going to wear the skirt I wore to Easter dinner today but I can’t get it closed :S I sewed the button back on but now it won’t go together. I’ll have to wear the stinky sweat-pants again. I’m going shopping later. I quit my job but Henry is treating me since he got something from work, holiday pay or something like that I wasn’t listening lol. My mum hasn’t flipped. She said she’s disappointed but that she won’t bother with what she did 2 years ago because a) I’ve rebounded badly and b) it made me unhappy. Dad’s going to keep paying for the flat and giving me £50 a week to live on. I don’t know whether I can get job seekers, but I’m looking into what I’m entitled to. Maybe I get disability because of my size, I don’t know. I know, benefit slut. Mum coaxed me into going to a weight watchers meeting though, so I have that to look forward to. At least I will get a weigh in and I’ll be able to see if I’m still gaining. It might be fun to go back every week and have them tick me off for gaining another few pounds lol.

Anyway, walking is getting hard and getting up from the floor or low seats in a major challenge so, as much as I hate it, I’m going to get some mild exercise. My back is killing me and without work I’m becoming more and more vegetated, which combined with my disgustingly fattening diet is a bad combination. I’m going for a walk on the moors with the 8th this weekend, we’ll see how far I get. I’m also trying to get as much of my stuffings as possible from fruit and veg, though I tried that before and it didn’t last :S Still, worth a shot. I’m out of breath from trying to get dressed so I don’t know how I’ll manage. Dad offered to buy me an exercise bike too, which I’ve accepted. It arrives next week and Henry will put it together for me. I bet it just collects dust lol.

Got to go, breakfast awaits.

Love to all, Ali x x x X X X x x x

Spring in my step . . . lol

Hi all,

I'm feeling better, but I've been calling in sick to work. (Really hope no one from work finds this or I'm in shit, lol). I just don't want to go in. Its so tiring and I've been sweating into my shirt every day, I only have one and need to keep washing it. I'm sort of embaressed to ask for another. I asked for a new skirt a couple of months ago and it took so long to show up that it doesn't fit and I haven't worn it. Point is that with only 1 change of clothes, I fucking reek! I spend half my day in the walk in freezer just trying to cool down. I don't think I can handle a Plymouth summer. I want to quit, but last time I didn't have a job my mum had control over me and put me on that diet. I wanted it at the time but this time I sooooo don't! I love my size and I want to keep myself big, or bigger. Plus it was so much hard work loosing that weight, it wasn't just restricting my diet, it was also a hell of a lot of exercise, and I know that without the motiviation to do that, she might never let me eat properly again. At the moment so many people are loosing their jobs that I don't think I'd find another, especially not being fat, ugly and lazy with shit GCSEs.

I'm tempted to deliberatley break a condom and get myself pregnant. I could claim child benefit, I know a lot of girls in my school year who've done that and never worked a day in their lives. They're mostly fat and lazy, seems like the perfect career move. However I'm not that selfish, and it's only recently that I've even thought about kids. As a child I never played with dolls or pushchairs, I had one doll that drink milk from its bottle. I broke the bottle open with a hammer to see how it worked and twisted the doll's head off and lost it.

My period isn't as regular as it should be. I have random bleeding that doesn't really constitute a period one day, then a 2 month cycle with no bleeding and just one day of it being really heavy. I know it's screwed up. When I was put on my diet a couple of years ago my period was getting a little out of sync, but once I'd lost just a stone it was right back to normal. I'm sure I'm still fertile.

I wonder if I'll want kids when I'm older. When I'm 40 stone and barely able to have sex, let alone get pregnant, will I be wishing I'd had them when I was still younger? As I type this Henry is at work doing paperwork of some kind that he's been putting off. I've a needle to one side of me and a durex to the other, thinking thoughts that I really shouldn't be. I don't even like kids, the nastly little shit bags.

Anyway, sorry, I'm being melodramatic over bullshit so let's get back to the fun stuff. Last night I got Henry on the scales. I don't remember getting him on the scales before at all, but he agreed to it. Earlier in the day he was struggling to button his jeans and I said how sexy it was that he was getting so big. I called him Henry the Eighth, and 'the 8th' is my new little nickname for him lol. He admitted that he's put on weight, and that a few days ago he went to look under a range rover and got his shirt covered in oil and dirt because his belly was pressing against it lol. He works as a mechanic in case I didn't mention, I don't remember. He let me measure his waist, which at the widest part (going under his belly button and around his love handles) is a sexy 55 1/2 inches (a bit less than I thought it would be). I wobbled it and coaxed him onto my scales. He was shocked that he couldn't see the reading without leaning right over, and more shocked when it read 24 stone 9. I was so happy.

I told him how sexy I think it is and told him I really want to see him keep growing. He said he needs to cut down on fast food and loose a few stone but I just insisted that if he only wants to be with me then he shouldn't care what other people think, just what I think. He agreed to let me fatten his waist up to 60 inches and then he'd see what he wants to do. He's coming home tonight with pizza, I'm going to hand feed him. I'm so turned on just thinking about it. I want a force feeding sometime soon, and this time I WILL write about it for you. I can't ask tonight though because I want to get him so full that he can't move all night. I'll probably have to use my rabbit though if I get him that full. We'll see how it goes.

My aunty has arranged that meal she keeps going on about, for easter weekend. This easter is going to be amazing. I'll see lots of family I haven't seen in a long time, probably get lots of easter eggs because my aunt buys shitloads for everyone, let alone the other family members I might get one from. The meal will be huge, as is characteristic for mum's side of the family, I probably won't get any stick about my weight from mum because I'll be on the lighter side of the table. And to make things even better there's a new Red Dwarf episode on digital. Lol, I'm a geek.

My mum has joined Weight Watchers. She's boring me, it's all points this and points that. Never mind that she's let herself eat like a pig for most of her life. She keeps egging me to join but I won't. If I do she's paying and she'll get stares as I turn up to every meeting just a little bigger. I'm bigger than her now, I think she said she weighs 25 stone now. It's a strange thought, she's always been bigger than me.

Amiee's wasting away. It's depressing. I saw a photo of her on facebook from when she just left school and she looked so good. She was so filled out and plump, she must have been 18 stone. Now she keeps updating her status every now and then as 'has lost another 5 pounds' or something like that. I asked and she said she weighs 13 stone 8 now. She's tiny. I remember seeing her well fed rolls and getting turned on, now I just feel icky from seeing all the loose skin whenever she bares her belly. She's more confident though, even though she was confident before. And I can tell she's loving her body and the fact that stores cater for her size and that she can go out with her belly on show and not feel like she's morbidly obese. She's very flirty and seems to be going through a phase where she tries to bring a new boy home every night. Not always sucessfully, but still, she tries lol. She also drunkely told me a couple of weeks back that she's not using birth control. I was shocked, but she said she forgot the pill so many times that she's stopped taking it. She insists on using condoms for various reasons, but they can break. As I know, looking at mine and my pin lol. Her saying that was one of the things that got me thinking, but I'm trying not to think at all.

Sarah is being a pig. We were talking about fat and food online last night and she told me the diets out of the window, and in fact she's been having TWO meals every lunch time. She said one meal just doesn't fill her up any more, so she has a packed lunch and then goes to eat out in her lunch break. Its no wonder she's been piling on the pounds recently.

Anyway I'm going to go, hope you've enjoyed this seemingly extra long blog post. I'll keep up updated if I can. Bubi for now, Ali x x x x x x x x x x x

Bellyache . . .

Hi all,

It's not even 7am as I write this but I've been unable to sleep half the night. I just started feeling ill about 2am, waking up after only sleeping since midnight. I totally binged too much last night, Henry cooked a roast pork dinner, of which I ate a good 3 plates and probably 20 potatoes or something stupid like that. Later I had a whole 6 serving vanilla cheesecake, a whole 6 serving missispi mud pie and a tub of ben and jerry's chunky monkey ice cream. I just felt sick as soon as I swallowed the last of the ice cream, then started getting pains in my stomach. I got to sleep but then woke up and felt sweaty and hot and constricted so much that Henry left the room and slept on the sofa. He's still asleep but I've been up half the night. I kept a bucket by my bedside in case I was sick but so far I haven't been, and I wish I would be because I feel so shit.

I have work today and I was looking forward to a huge breakfast which Henry was going to cook, I was even going to have him make pancakes until I couldn't eat any more, but right now I can't even look at a snickers! I'm going to call in sick, I can't work like this.

Henry is thinking of going on a diet. Since he's been with me his waistline has just exploded. I love it. He's something like a 56" waist in trousers now. I love the changes it's made, other than he snores too loudly now. And the bed seems way to small.

In case you were wondering, I actually forgot to mention my birthday. It was lame and all I did was stay in. I didn't feel like getting drunk and I didn't even eat more than usual, I guess I just didn't feel like it. Mum gave me a little birthday money, Sarah gave me a £10 book voucher (she's poor at the moment, bless her), Amiee forgot and Henry got me Harvest Moon on the DS and did a little strip tease for me. I'm soooo lame.

Anyway, I'm going to try and get up. I feel rough, I'll see my doctor if things don't get better, although I haven't seen her since I was . . . I don't even know what I weighed I can't remember. Either way I'm avoiding her unless I really have to.

Bubi for now, Ali x x x x x x xx x

30 Stone

It finally happened. Yesterday I stood on the scales for a whopping reading of 30 stone 5 pounds. Apparently I can only put on another 9 pounds before they're useless, but we'll see.

Sorry there were no more updates for my time off, I had things to do. I made the most of my time off with a trip to the moors and a day at the beach. With a thick coat on of course, the weather's not that good yet lol :P

I ate, more or less, all day. My guess is something like 10-15,000 calories a day, though, due to money troubles, there were a few days where I barely ate more than about 7 or 8,000. All in all though, I've put on almost 3 stone in about a month and a half, which is impressive even by my standards.

I totally outgrew my uniform and spent 3 days at work wearing a men's xxxl poloshirt and a pair of jogging bottoms that I can still sqeeze into. I'm looking into work I can do from home at the moment, it's getting harder and harder to get out of bed, let alone get up and go to work. I just seem to get lazier all the time.

I told Henry my weight last night and his jaw dropped, literally. He asked if I was going on a diet, to which I replied: "Fuck no!" and we laughed hysterically. He said my body is still super sexy, and proved I still turn him on with a night of ectasy. Well, half an hour, but that's still good stamina for a couple of fatties like us.

I brought a new dress to go out in tonight but it looks like it's going to be cold and wet so I might stay in. I want to get drunk though, so I may ask the slave to pick up some beers, a bottle or two of wine and we'll get takeaway deliveries for the night. If we're up for sex tonight, I have a bag of 5 jam donuts stashed under my bed. I want him to make me eat them while he fucks me. We've done it before and it's been such a huge turn on, but now I'm so massive it just feels naughty and wrong, which makes it even better.

I told my mum my weight too, hoping for a reaction, but all she said was 'well, it's your life.', which was dissapointing. I at least expected a 'WHAT?!' She suggested Weight Watchers, which I've actually looked into, though it's not really appealing.

Money's getting tight agin so I'm eating sensibly for the foreseeable future. Until I get a job from home I don't want to get any bigger. Unless you weigh 30 stone and work in a supermarket, you have no idea how hard it is to do all your jobs when you're carrying so much weight everywhere with you. It slows me down, makes me waddle, makes it harder for me to climb step ladders and reach high shelves (and when I do I show shoppers my stretchmarks), and when customers ask me where things are I'm supposed to walk them to the isle, but I'm so slow that it's just pointless so I have to give them directions. Fortunately I'm in the bakery most of the day but even that requires a lot of bending over and lifting and putting trays in ovens, it's exhausting work. Luckily I'm only doing 3 days a week at the moment.

On my first day back at work I was in at 5.30 and there were very few people around, so as I baked the pastries, I snuck into the fridge to eat a maple and pecan plait in private. I'm not allowed to, obviously, but I was so hungry and it felt soooo naughty. I haven't done it since though, I'd be too embarassed if I were caught.

I'm not sure what to eat today, I'm starving hungry but have only £20 to last me until Monday. I'll get Henry to pay for a gluttonus weekend for me. Maybe if the weather's nice we can go for a picnic tomorrow.

Anyway, got to go, my stomach is growling lol. Bubi for now,

Ali x x x x X X X X x x x x

Food Whore

Hi all,

I haven't purposley blogged in ages now, it's just been a kind of random 'I'll do it when I can be bothered' thing, but since I have time on my hands I decided to keep track of what I ate for a day. And since I was doing that I figured I'd also try to eat as much as I can.

Monday I was bored so I went shopping and kept putting in stuff I wanted to eat. Lateley it hasn't been as much as it used to. Several factors have kept my daily calorie intake a little lower (still amazingly high though) such as the cost of food, living on my own, lack of full time work and also my health. I can't deny that being so big has had adverse effects on my body, so I've cut back on things like pizza and other fast food because they're so high in fats. As I went around the store I put in a few creamcakes, some fruit, bagels, donuts, muffins, and I figured I'd pick up enough food so that I could spend then entire day eating on Tuesday.

I picked up a lot of stuff and my trolley was heaving (not all of it was for Tuesday though). I had to make 3 trips from the car to my flat which left me totally brealthless and sweating like a pig, even though Tuesday was a little colder and I only had a thin dress on.

I fell asleep in front of the TV on Monday. I'd had a massive hot chocolate with whipped cream and a packet of chocolate digestives, which had left me feeling queasy, so I didn't get up and just accidentally passed out in front of the TV. I got up and went to the toilet first thing then got a pen and paper and started writing down my food for the day.

8.30am
2 bowls of sugar puffs with whole milk
4 peices of toast with butter and strawberry jam
6 waffles drizzeled with honey
Yazoo chocolate milkshake

Short break to catch my breath, have a wash. Then sat in front of TV again.

9.45
Fry up with 2 sausages, 2 fried eggs, slice of fried bread and baked beans
Half of a 450g chocolate gateau
4 assorted cream cakes
2 litres of Dr Pepper (over an hour)

10.45ish
2 Rustlers cheeseburgers
1 Rustlers bbq ribwich

12.20
2 thin crust oven pizzas, 1 hawaiian, 1 vegetarian
About 300g oven chips (estimate) dipped in full fat cream cheese (because I was craving it)
4 eclairs
4 double chocolate muffins
5 jam donuts
1 apple
2 bananas
500ml coke
1 long belly rub

13.55ish
1 whole 6 portion cheesecake
1 500ml tub of Ben and Jerry's cookie dough

I had a rest on the sofa, feeling a little ill after all that, then there's a break while I cooked dinner.

16.30
Sweet and sour chicken with rice (about a full saucepan's worth)
Half a chocolate gateau
1 family sized 6 serving trifle
1 painfully stuffed tummy

I sat down on the sofa with a multipack of Walker's crisps and a big assorted bag of minature chocolate bars and ate the lot by about 8pm. I found it hard to breathe, partly as I was so stuffed and partly as I was constantly slowly munching. With food in my throat most of the time breathing can't be easy. Plus my lungs have to fight against loads of extra flab now.

22.30
Dominos pizza delivery - 1 13.5" meat feast thick crust
1 potato wedges
1 chicken dippers
1 tub of Ben and Jerry's chocolate fudge brownie

More relaxing . . .

00.30ish
Indian delivery - (just a small one) 1 chicken madras
1 rice
1 naan bread

Then I forced down the rest of the snacks I had planned, including a bottle of Vimto, 4 more assorted cream cakes, 5 jam donuts and 4 double chocolate cookies. I fell asleep about 2.30 am.

Now it's morning and I'm both hungry and horny, so I don't know whether to call my boyfriend round or phone for a pizza lol. I'm kidding, he's at work and I've had enough pizza, so I'm going out for a KFC. Yummy!

Leave comments.

Bubi! Love you all!

Ali x x x X X X X x x x x X

Stuffed!

Hi all,

I'm super happy today! I have 2 weeks off starting today, including weekends so thats like, I don't know, 16 days or something like that. It was easy to get time off because I don't get holiday pay and my supervisor was told to cut back on hours, so here I am.

I'm at home and I've been eating non-stop since about 7.30 this morning (It's around 9.30). I've munched my way through half a box of coco-pops with about 2 pints of milk, 12 waffles with honey, 4 muffins, a cheesecake, 2 jam donuts and 23 jaffacakes (would have been 24 but I dropped one and it rolled under the bed!). I'm currently eating some chocolate gateux (spellingage) which I defrosted last night and forgot about.

Saturday night I went out with Amiee and Sarah and got plastered. I drank a good 8 pints before it all goes grey. The guy at the kebabshop already had my order written down before I'd said it (which was good because I was hungry and didn't want to wait the 5 minutes it often takes me to get my order out without falling over). Either they made a mistake or I was given a freebie because I ended up with 2 peices of chicken on top of my order. Amiee said something about saturated fat which made me laugh, though I can't remember exactly what. I hate that advert where the fat clogs the drain. I eat so much more than that, I just try not to think about it.

Amiee has lost weight, though she's still big. Most people can't tell, but I can. She's probably lost a stone or maybe 2. Sarah on the other hand must be pushing 19 stone. Last time I went shopping with her she told me she's outgrown a lot of her clothes and now wears a 20-22. She asked if I was still putting on weight deliberatley, which was a tough question to answer since I wasn't really sure. I'd say I'm just eating all I want, I've put on a lot of weight and I'm happy with my size now, so that's what I told her. We went for a McD's after shopping and I've never seen her eat so much in there :P lol. A big macs and a double cheeseburger meal, then she went up for another big mac. I was sort of impressed. I think/hope she's happier with herself now, because it's hard to loose weight and almost impossible to be as skinny as she's always wanted to be.

Anyway I'm sat here eating for the next two weeks. I'll only be going out to get shopping and possibly to get drunk if I still have a good outfit that fits me next weekend. I don't know what I weigh now, but I feel like I've been growing and swelling up this last week, so I expect to go over 30 stone by the end of my holiday. I'm looking forward to a big family meal which my aunt promised to organise. She cooks great food and I'll be able to see all the family's reactions to my weight gain. I'm a lucky piglet! Lol.

Bubi for now, Ali x x x x X X X X x x x x x

Sorry

Hi all,

Sorry it's been so long and sorry you never read about my xmas binges. It's been so long and so much has happened that I just can't remember everything. It's not important anyway.

If you've read my blog a long time you'll know that when I gain too much too fast I get sick sometimes. Right after I posted my last blog I started to feel chest pains. It's not the first time I've felt them but it was the worst, and for the longest time. Normally I would get chest pains after exercise, such as walking stairs, or (fortunately only occasionally) after very fatty meals such as fry ups. But these were quite intense and I started to feel bad all over. I was worried that perhaps I'd gotten a lot of fat in my arteries and it made me stressed, which made things worse. As I was stressed I just binged more and I got so bad I couldn't move around without feeling sick so I went to see my doctor. She couldn't explain it but by the time I actually got around to my appointment they'd stopped and I just felt the kind of sick like when I have a cold. Because she wasn't sure and I didn't want to think about it I said I felt all better and that I would let her know if the pains came back.

I got a bad cold after that and lost some weight, weighing in at 27 stone 7lbs at the start of Febuary. Harry has been supportive for the last few weeks. He knows I love my fat and want to be bigger and he's fine with it but worries about my health, especially after this little scare. Right now I'm off work, I'm laid in bed and he's brining me breakfast. I'm eating leftover pizza lol.

For valentine's day he took me out for a Chinese. I don't even remember what I ate, it was way too much. I felt kind of sick in the restaraunt and had to wait for a while before we could leave. I got pissed out of my skull as well and we fucked until about 3 am, at which point I was so out of it I didn't even need to eat before going to sleep.

I've been a pig lateley as usual, but unfortunately my poor little car has died. I'm waiting to save enough money to get it repaired, my dad says he can't afford to pay me any more and I need some part for some part for some part that I don't even know where abouts it is! This has meant buses and walking, which is making me feel a little better, my body doesnt ache as much and i feel like i have more energy, but i still dont like walking. My car will be fixed soon though. I can't walk in summer, I will be sweating too much and I will get dehydrated, it used to happen when I was slimmer, let alone now . . .

I'm arranging a holiday so I can stay home and feed for one or two weeks. I'm going to eat lots of healthy foods and do a lot of cooking, trying to cut down on the fat and salt i'm taking in and have more salad, but there will be a lot of fast food too. I expect to return to work and find my uniform won't fit at all.

Anyway, I will blog again soon, I'm going to go wash because I smell like a hoare with a busy schedule.

Love to all! Ali x x x x x

Just a quick post

Hi all,

I gotta go to work in a moment, but just a quick update.

I didn't make it to 30 stone unfortunately but I got damn close!

After some serious Christmas eating (which I will write up in detail for you next time) I'm a hefty 29 stone and 6 pounds (412 pounds), which is the most I've ever been in my life. Just knowing that I'm 3 times the size I should be is a massive turn on and I'm really happy with life at the moment. There are things that bug me like clothes (especially my work uniform) and my car getting smaller and smaller but I'm just so happy with myself right now that I don't care. I'm eating more than ever before and have gained over 2 stone this last month which is at least a pound a day. If it weren't for the reading on the scale between my fat feet I wouldn't beleive it either. Another 5 stone and I'm going to have to resort to getting weighed at the doctors lol.

Anyway, I'll tell you about xmas soon, gotta run :)

Love, Ali x x xx x x xx x x